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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

231 replies

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 13:16

I'll try to keep it brief - I'm probably just being a grumpy old sod...

My brother is getting married soon. His wife-to-be is lovely and we're all very excited for her to become an official member of the family. I have very kindly been asked to be a bridesmaid.

I feel as such a close relative and a bridesmaid, I'm basically obligated to go along with the Hen Do plans but I have reservations:

Cost - so far, I've spent over £1,000 attending the abroad Hen Do and now there's the Home Hen which, while significantly cheaper, is still going to be another £100+. My husband went on the Stag Do which was also £1,000 so, so far, we're down by over £2k before we've even bought a wedding gift, paid for our hotel room at the wedding venue or considered on the day drinks spending.
Narcissism - everything feels like it's for Instagram (which I don't use) rather than the focus being on having a good time. While we were away, there were stipulations on what to wear and photos constantly (omg SO many photos). With the Home Hen, I think the hope is that around 50 women (of all ages) will attend and we have been asked to all wear all black (because it looked so good in the photos on the abroad Hen Do). It's going to be the middle of the day, in July... I'm getting funeral vibes!

I'm generally a very outspoken person (and, indeed, raised various reservations with the other bridesmaids during the planning of the abroad Hen Do, which I think pissed them off). NB - the bridesmaids arranged the abroad Hen Do.

The bride-to-be is only a year younger than me but I feel like we're from different generations. I couldn't give a toss about social media and I find the need for the perfect photo (yes, we had to pretend laugh during staged photos) to be narcissism in its truest form.

Personally, I think it's wrong to expect so much of other people but I know that she and her closest girl friends all do these things for each other, so it's fine between them. As I said above, given my proximity to the bride and groom, I feel obliged to just go with it but it irks me. I obviously don't want to cause any issues and I want to be supportive because I love my future sister-in-law to pieces. I feel stuck in the middle between integrity and people pleasing.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this request to wear black at the Home Hen is just tipping me over the edge?!

OP posts:

GoldDuster · 30/06/2025 14:10

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 14:05

It wasn't apparent at the outset is was going to cost as much as it ended up costing 😔

I usually have very firm boundaries, which has cost me numerous friendships over the years.

It's different because it's family, who I love and am close to.

Also, at the point of agreeing to the Abroad Hen, there was no plan for a Home Hen, otherwise I may have opted for that. Saying that, it would have possibly been uncomfortable being the only bridesmaid not in attendance.

Eurgh. Politics.

Show quote history

I think that boundaries are as, if not more important with family who you love and are close to, than friends. They allow healthy relationships.

I would also maybe put out there, that you're not as important in this group hen shebang as maybe you think you might be. She was very clear in her message that you would just have to accept you woudn't be going, if you wouldn't be going. It didn't sound like she was particularly distressed about it.

You need to decide, because there will be other family events in future, where you are willing to sit on this obligation business, and decide in line with what kind of money and energy you're comfortable with good will.

DiscoPig · 30/06/2025 14:08

RabbitsRock · 30/06/2025 13:49

But she will be family - she’s going to be OP’s DSiL

Show quote history

Not family. That is 'someone my brother married.' Hen parties are generally the bride's close female family and friends, not her future husband's family, unless there's an independent friendship. I have five SILs (big families), most of whom I get on very well with. I was never invited to any of their hens.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/06/2025 14:08

Make three holes in a bin bag, put it over your real dress.

Original poster

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 14:08

GoldDuster · 30/06/2025 13:29

not going all in isn't really an option

You see, this is where I'd come unstuck. There is no way on this earth I'd be taking part in this circus, even more so if I felt it was due to some kind of unspoken rule and consequences if I didn't comply.

We're a close family too, and because we're close we can be honest with each other and don't have to do shit like this when we don't want to, and resentment doesn't arise.

I'd be drawing a line now, making my excuses and seeing them on the day, wearing what I want.

Yeah, this is where it has been difficult to discuss certain things with them. Almost like, if it's not what they want to hear they're a bit techy about hearing it 😔 Or the "just do what you want / don't do something you don't want to" isn't a genuine, no-strings offer.

OP posts:

Comefromaway · 30/06/2025 14:05

It simply wouldn't have been a choice for me. I'm pretty well off now but at the time when my sibling and dh's sibling were getting married we did not have a spare £200 let alone a spare £1,000. We needed every penny for things for the kids.

When dh was best man to his friend who lives at the other end of the country he went to his stag do, shared a room in a budget hotel, went paintballing and had a few drinks in a local pub. Cost far less. For the wedding itself we couldn't afford a hotel so we stayed in a caravan on a nearby campsite.

Original poster

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 14:05

Citroenc1 · 30/06/2025 13:28

You have poor boundaries. It's absolutely not not normal to be asked to spend that sort of money on a hen/stag do in that sort of circumstances and not being able to say no.

Show quote history

It wasn't apparent at the outset is was going to cost as much as it ended up costing 😔

I usually have very firm boundaries, which has cost me numerous friendships over the years.

It's different because it's family, who I love and am close to.

Eurgh. Politics.

OP posts:

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 30/06/2025 14:04

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 13:59

You're absolutely on it. And that's why I've done everything to date.

I'm just wondering if I'm being unreasonable for this tiny (in the grand scheme of everything else) request tipping me over the edge 🤣

If it's a day like this, we're all going to be baking, dressed in black!

Show quote history

Well yes. I think so. If you're going, you're going for her, so just internally roll your eyes and get behind her (metaphorically or I guess literally for shade!). It just really doesn't matter does it, not that much, not enough to cause an upset, a bad feeling, a shade on her happiness and on your future relationship.

Neemie · 30/06/2025 14:04

For the sake of my brother and general family harmony I would go, I would wear black and I would stick on a smile/fake laugh.

It will be the baby shower next…

Auntiebenita · 30/06/2025 14:03

It’s awful, but I think for the sake of future relationships you'll need to button your lip and go along with it. Alternatively, have a very unfortunate unexpected illness (as long as you’ll never be found out).

She'll grow up at some point.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/06/2025 14:02

When I raised the issue of travelling on certain days meaning taking a good chunk of annual leave, the message changed to "if you can't make it, that's a shame, but you just have to accept you can't come".

Well, that message would have been my 'in' to say, 'sorry-we don't have £2000 spare for this. We love you both loads as you know you, and will be 100% up for the UK hen/stags though-can't wait for it!'

Job done, £2000 still in your bank account, no falling outs.

Rainbows41 · 30/06/2025 14:02

Were we not taught to say "cheeeeese" during a photo? Remind yourself of the reason why this was done, then tell me her idea to create fake laughter is wrong 🤔

Original poster

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 14:02

ThejoyofNC · 30/06/2025 13:28

There are consequences to consider if I pull out.

What on earth do you mean by this?!

Anyway, it's too late to rectify your mistake. You should have skipped the £1000 abroad hen and just gone to the £100 local one.

I think it would upset my brother and future sister-in-law, and I don't want to do that.

At the time of agreeing to the Abroad Hen, there was no plan for a Home Hen otherwise I may well have done exactly that 😔

OP posts:

Inthesmallclouds · 30/06/2025 14:01

I would feel the same. Completely obliged but also thoroughly fucked off.
i would go just because the stress in my own head of not going would worry me more.
Have a rant to you mum and on here which should help.
i would however say you can’t afford the home hen do.
so you’ve shown up but you’re not having to spend more money on an extra do x

GreenGully · 30/06/2025 14:01

One of my best friends got married last year. She had asked me to be a bridesmaid and I declined because I didn't want to go along with all the fuss that entails. Having dresses picked out, walking down the aisle etc.

I knew I would have been seen as difficult as I don't go along with the crowd if I am not comfortable doing something. E.g. the other girls were happy to have their hair and makeup done, I wouldn't have liked that.

I was still fully involved, I helped her pick out her wedding dress, arranged the hen do and transport to it, sorted out the food shopping delivery to the hen house etc. She mentioned me in her wedding speech as a 'bridesmaid in all but name' so that was touching and unexpected.

More people should be comfortable with saying NO. I appreciate it is more difficult in your situation with it being a SIL.

Original poster

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 14:01

Comefromaway · 30/06/2025 13:26

You lost me at £1,000. I would not spend that for even my own sibling let alone anyone else. The only person I would contemplate that kind of money for would be my own child.

It's a crazy amount of money, isn't it 😔

We're not poor but we're not rolling in it, either. £1k is a lot to us.

OP posts:

Moveoverdarlin · 30/06/2025 14:00

Look I totally get it. It’s so cringeworthy and forced BUT for the sake of keeping the peace I’d just pay the £100, whack on a summery black dress, chat to one of the 50 other women and just get on with it.

You’ve done the expensive trip, seems silly to moan about the UK one. 50 people on a hen do is a lot! Just go, get pissed and roll your eyes when you get home to your DH. But yeah, I agree with everything you have said. It’s so bloody self indulgent. I would be mortified if my friends had to fork out so much.

Original poster

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 14:00

Notsuchafattynow · 30/06/2025 13:25

Do her a favor and don't go.

I'm quite sure if she stumbles accross this thread, she'd uninvite you. (I would).

Different strokes and all that.

Is my perspective really that bad?

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 30/06/2025 13:59

Citroenc1 · 30/06/2025 13:20

I wouldn't go but it looks like you already burned through 2k for this circus so a bit late in the day to come to your senses.

This!

Original poster

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 13:59

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 30/06/2025 13:24

If you genuinely 'love her to pieces' then just suck it up and go, and keep your opinions for your husband or your mum! I'm not being critical, I hate that stuff too, but if you love her then it's worth making it nice for her, and nice for her is clearly this kind of shiz. Just smile and nod, you've already spent the big money so the home hen is really not that much in comparison.

You're absolutely on it. And that's why I've done everything to date.

I'm just wondering if I'm being unreasonable for this tiny (in the grand scheme of everything else) request tipping me over the edge 🤣

If it's a day like this, we're all going to be baking, dressed in black!

OP posts:

PeapodMcgee · 30/06/2025 13:58

Oh dear, what a shame you're poorly..

Oldglasses · 30/06/2025 13:58

That all sounds horrific!
So glad I got married pre-social meida, but none of my friends are particularly in to it so I'm sure we wouldn't have had any of this malarkey even if it was around 20+ years ago.
I think I had about 15 friends to my hen and that was enough. I had it in London (as we live there), DH went to the coast (they were on the same weekend). No-one I know had a 'do' abroad.

Original poster

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 13:57

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/06/2025 13:23

Urgh I loathe this sort of bridezilla narcissism.

If it was anyone outside immediate family I would honestly fuck the whole thing off it sounds insufferable. Maybe just tell her you can't afford it?

Honestly, I'd never have entertained the idea for anyone else in the world! We are just extremely close to my brother and his fiancée and, genuinely, we want to support them in their marriage and celebrations.

It just feels like it's gone/going past that.

OP posts:

Original poster

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 13:56

cosietea · 30/06/2025 13:23

“I’m generally a very outspoken person”

Although I agree with some of your post and it would also be idea of a bad time, whenever anyone declares themselves as ‘outspoken’ I assume they actually mean rude, over opinionated and a pain to be around.

I am probably a pain to be around! Rude, I genuinely don't think so but perhaps to some people I come across that way. Direct, definitely. And literal.

Most of the people going on the abroad Hen Do were either teachers, on mat leave or retired. My Mum and I are none of those things and so we had to take annual leave (which, in my Mum's case, she'd had to buy additional days). Initially, the message had been - something affordable for everyone because the most important thing was to have everyone there.

I was direct about it and didn't just keep quiet. That's what I meant by outspoken.

OP posts:

XelaM · 30/06/2025 13:55

ThejoyofNC · 30/06/2025 13:28

There are consequences to consider if I pull out.

What on earth do you mean by this?!

Anyway, it's too late to rectify your mistake. You should have skipped the £1000 abroad hen and just gone to the £100 local one.

People who pretend like they can't understand why OP cannot opt out of her future SIL's hen (it being a close family) are just being purposely obtuse 🙄

OP I feel your pain, but I don't think anything can be done about it. Maybe speak to the bride about the black dress code?

Original poster

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 13:52

DelphiniumDoreen · 30/06/2025 13:23

I would go along with it but give her a wide berth going forward. She sounds insufferable and not someone I would want to spend time with.

Always put yourself first. It’s awful to go along with things while simultaneously clinching your teeth. You don’t have to be unkind just selective about what you will involve yourself in.

This seems wise.

I was thinking on the future gender reveal, baby shower etc and that I shall possibly just excuse myself from those things because I find them incredibly crass.

It's just a shame because she is otherwise absolutely lovely and kind and thoughtful. It makes me feel like I can't celebrate with her, naturally.

OP posts:

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