Page 7 | Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

MiniLob · 2025-06-30T12:16:00+00:00

I'll try to keep it brief - I'm probably just being a grumpy old sod... My brother is getting married soon. His wife-to-be is lovely and we're all very excited for her to become an official member of the family. I have very kindly been asked to be a bridesmaid. I feel as such a close relative and a bridesmaid, I'm basically obligated to go along with the Hen Do plans but I have reservations: 1) Cost - so far, I've spent over £1,000 attending the abroad Hen Do and now there's the Home Hen which, while significantly cheaper, is still going to be another £100+. My husband went on the Stag Do which was also £1,000 so, so far, we're down by over £2k before we've even bought a wedding gift, paid for our hotel room at the wedding venue or considered on the day drinks spending. 2) Narcissism - everything feels like it's for Instagram (which I don't use) rather than the focus being on having a good time. While we were away, there were stipulations on what to wear and photos constantly (omg SO many photos). With the Home Hen, I think the hope is that around 50 women (of all ages) will attend and we have been asked to all wear all black (because it looked so good in the photos on the abroad Hen Do). It's going to be the middle of the day, in July... I'm getting funeral vibes! I'm generally a very outspoken person (and, indeed, raised various reservations with the other bridesmaids during the planning of the abroad Hen Do, which I think pissed them off). NB - the bridesmaids arranged the abroad Hen Do. The bride-to-be is only a year younger than me but I feel like we're from different generations. I couldn't give a toss about social media and I find the need for the perfect photo (yes, we had to pretend laugh during staged photos) to be narcissism in its truest form. Personally, I think it's wrong to expect so much of other people but I know that she and her closest girl friends all do these things for each other, so it's fine between them. As I said above, given my proximity to the bride and groom, I feel obliged to just go with it but it irks me. I obviously don't want to cause any issues and I want to be supportive because I love my future sister-in-law to pieces. I feel stuck in the middle between integrity and people pleasing. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this request to wear black at the Home Hen is just tipping me over the edge?!

Arseynal · 30/06/2025 14:24

I would just go. You’ve already spent/wasted the money of the more expensive party, you can afford the cheaper one too, you like her and don’t want to upset her by bailing, everyone wearing black doesn’t seem that big a deal - most people can borrow a black outfit from a friend if they don’t already have one, the photos and insta focus sound tedious but she’s a nice woman and you like her a lot. She’s excited to be getting married and that’s a nice thing. If you do have to go to gender reveals and baby showers then it’s only 2-6 afternoons out of your life over a period of about 6 years realistically. I’m anti social, don’t use instagram, don’t like photos much (but I’m contrary and wish I had more photos of myself) but I would indulge it for a family member I liked and wanted a positive relationship with. I wouldn’t necessarily indulge the £1000 but that ship has sailed and handwringing over it isn’t buttering any parsnips at this stage.

MrsRandy · 30/06/2025 14:24

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 14:21

The thing is, the cost wasn't entirely apparent at the outset, not were the requirements for outfits etc. It was put to us as going away on these rough dates, who's in? and it grew from there. My Mum and I both agreed to go so we were committed at that point. I also couldn't pull out and leave my Mum to go on her own, that would have just been cruel.

I have rocked many a boat over the years, so I'm not afraid to do that. And it's far more nuanced when it comes to close family.

Plus, the Home Hen wasn't even on the cards when we signed up for the Abroad Hen. I wanted to go to support my future sister-in-law but it just evolved into something more and more demanding as the planning went on.

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But in the kindest way if your mum wants to spend a thousand on a hen do, you’re not cruel to say that you can’t

Knowing all this going forward, now you know better you can use your boundaries to say no to the hen do in the uk that you didn’t know was going to happen.

wordler · 30/06/2025 14:23

Just say you can’t go because of a prior commitment or pull out at the last minute with a tummy bug or something.

Original poster

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 14:23

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 30/06/2025 13:32

It sounds absolutely hideous.

Thanks for making me smirk, especially in between the battering I'm getting from many sides, on here!

Christ - being vocal on a public forum, with strangers, really highlights the dangers of honesty 🤣

OP posts:

BoredZelda · 30/06/2025 14:23

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 14:21

The thing is, the cost wasn't entirely apparent at the outset, not were the requirements for outfits etc. It was put to us as going away on these rough dates, who's in? and it grew from there. My Mum and I both agreed to go so we were committed at that point. I also couldn't pull out and leave my Mum to go on her own, that would have just been cruel.

I have rocked many a boat over the years, so I'm not afraid to do that. And it's far more nuanced when it comes to close family.

Plus, the Home Hen wasn't even on the cards when we signed up for the Abroad Hen. I wanted to go to support my future sister-in-law but it just evolved into something more and more demanding as the planning went on.

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So when it became apparent, you say no I’m not spending money on that. You give your mum the choice to go or not. You had options.

Petrovaposy · 30/06/2025 14:22

You are not being unreasonable.
Grin and bear it and do it for her sake, but no YANBU to find it ridiculous.

BoredZelda · 30/06/2025 14:21

Ooh look, another thread having a go at how some people, particularly in the younger generations, do things differently.

You want to judge her and her friends for their choices, but really, it sounds like they’re having way more fun than you are. You spent a grand on a week away and seemed not to be able to make the best of a situation you wouldn’t have chosen to be in. So what if she wants a gender reveal and a baby shower? It’s her life, and her friends, if that’s how they celebrate, let them. Go or don’t, but making a martyr of yourself then judging her for her choices is a ridiculous thing to do.

If you don’t like these things, that’s your issue. You didn’t have to go. My brother’s financeé decided she was having a murder mystery weekend with all her very loud friends who love a drink. Not my thing at all, and I couldn’t afford it. She knew I couldn’t afford it because she had already bitched about my brother lending me money for rent at the time. I made my excuses and afterward she made a snidely comment about some work colleagues she had invited (to make up the numbers) and how they went even though they were skint. I said, more fool them, I’d rather pay rent this month.

You don’t get to decide how people choose to live their lives. If you want to judge them, at least be honest rather than going then bitching about it behind their backs. You made a choice to spend the money, that’s not her fault.

Original poster

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 14:21

MrsRandy · 30/06/2025 13:29

I think you need to hear the hard truth to put things into perspective.

It isn’t petty to not attend the UK hen if you’ve already paid out a grand and made effort to go abroad.

It is really silly to pay a thousand pound to go abroad for someone’s hen do because you feel “obliged to” rather than because you want too and have the extra cash to

The main unreasonable person here is you for not putting in boundaries and saying “no”. Yes asking someone to pay a grand for a hen is also mental but it’s the people that don’t want to rock the boat and say “too expensive, I’ll be at the local hen do though” who are silly.

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The thing is, the cost wasn't entirely apparent at the outset, not were the requirements for outfits etc. It was put to us as going away on these rough dates, who's in? and it grew from there. My Mum and I both agreed to go so we were committed at that point. I also couldn't pull out and leave my Mum to go on her own, that would have just been cruel.

I have rocked many a boat over the years, so I'm not afraid to do that. And it's far more nuanced when it comes to close family.

Plus, the Home Hen wasn't even on the cards when we signed up for the Abroad Hen. I wanted to go to support my future sister-in-law but it just evolved into something more and more demanding as the planning went on.

OP posts:

MrsRandy · 30/06/2025 14:21

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 14:16

Wow! That's a pretty strong reaction.

I haven't bitched about the request to wear black with anyone organising or even attending the Hen Do, save speaking to my own Mum, so I'm not sure where you have had that from.

As for who cares about people wearing black - I know of 3 already who aren't chuffed by the idea. Why dictate to people what they can/can't wear? It's going to be the middle of the afternoon in July. If it's like this, we're going to be baking. I don't have black summer dresses, save for one which is not appropriate for a Hen Do. It means buying yet another outfit. Is that not over the top?

It's quite the assumption that it wasn't the holiday I expected. Again, where have you had that from? It wasn't a holiday but it was pretty much exactly as I expected.

I'm not sure why having my own views/thoughts/feelings which are different to others is anything to do with any sort of hierarchy. I am who I am. They are who they are. It's as simple as that. My current dilemma is gelling those two things.

As for instructing me to "stop raising various reservations"... Why? It's a public forum - isn't this exactly what it's for?

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You’re allowed to have opinions! We’re human.

But you’re the one lacking in boundaries, you’ve spent over a grand already and now you’re moaning about it / digging at other expenses.

This is what happens it’s a cycle. You lack boundaries and can’t say no, do something you don’t want to do / can’t afford, then moan about it

Illgotothefootofourstairs · 30/06/2025 14:20

It would be an awful shame if you were struck with a mega migraine on the morning of the “do”.

saltandvinegarchipsticks · 30/06/2025 14:17

JLou08 · 30/06/2025 14:13

I'm not into staged photos for social media. Referring to it as narcissistic is really harsh though. I have a friend who is really in to all the staged photos, she is the most lovely woman I have met. She is creative and into photography, it isn't narcissistic at all.
I wonder if you have self-esteem issues that are leading you to judge others so harshly. Or maybe you don't really understand what a narcissist is.

But it is narcissistic. There’s a difference between narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Everyone’s narcissistic to an extent, it’s human nature. But to structure and prioritise everything around looking good for Instagram (which the vast majority of people who aren’t yourself don’t actually give a toss about) is a narcissistic thing to do.

Delphiniumandlupins · 30/06/2025 14:16

I think you're going to have to suck it up now, and it's not a lot more money/time considering what you have already spent. You could not wear black and you will likely be pushed to the back of photos but that might be a bit petty. Perhaps after the wedding you can let your brother and sister-in-law know that you're really not happy being plastered on Instagram and would rather celebrate without always looking for a photo opportunity.

MrsRandy · 30/06/2025 14:16

Cannot and will not ever understand the people justifying spending a grand that you don’t really have to spend on a hen do because “you don’t want to cause a tiff” or “it’s family”

Original poster

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 14:16

EggnogNoggin · 30/06/2025 13:29

It's her hen, who cares if the theme is black? Don't bitch about it with the people organising it; go or decline.

The abroad one was the one to opt out of, not the UK one.

You spent the money freely at the time, you're just disappointed it wasn't the holiday you expected. Its a costly lesson.

You come across like you think you're better than everyone for being outspoken and not doing social media. The reality is, they are all happy and having fun and it's fine it's not your scene but either throw yourself in and smile or don't go. Stop "raising various reservations".

Wow! That's a pretty strong reaction.

I haven't bitched about the request to wear black with anyone organising or even attending the Hen Do, save speaking to my own Mum, so I'm not sure where you have had that from.

As for who cares about people wearing black - I know of 3 already who aren't chuffed by the idea. Why dictate to people what they can/can't wear? It's going to be the middle of the afternoon in July. If it's like this, we're going to be baking. I don't have black summer dresses, save for one which is not appropriate for a Hen Do. It means buying yet another outfit. Is that not over the top?

It's quite the assumption that it wasn't the holiday I expected. Again, where have you had that from? It wasn't a holiday but it was pretty much exactly as I expected.

I'm not sure why having my own views/thoughts/feelings which are different to others is anything to do with any sort of hierarchy. I am who I am. They are who they are. It's as simple as that. My current dilemma is gelling those two things.

As for instructing me to "stop raising various reservations"... Why? It's a public forum - isn't this exactly what it's for?

OP posts:

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 30/06/2025 14:16

“I’m absolutely skint after the last hen do so I won’t be able to make it to the home one. I hope you all have a wonderful time and I can’t wait to see the photos xx”

DiscoPig · 30/06/2025 14:16

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/06/2025 14:08

Make three holes in a bin bag, put it over your real dress.

😀

It'll be very Instagrammable.

yeesh · 30/06/2025 14:16

I would just go along with it, it’s only once. You can afford it and it will be better in the long run for family harmony. My sister did some mad stuff for her wedding but we laugh about it now.

saltandvinegarchipsticks · 30/06/2025 14:15

Surely a “home hen” is just a catch up for those who didn’t want to spend ridiculous sums going abroad. There’s surely not an obligation for you to do both?

Housesearch25 · 30/06/2025 14:14

Was one of the posed photos you all lined up spelling something out on your arses, OP? There was a post about this recently 😂

Joystir59 · 30/06/2025 14:14

Fucking Instagram has become more important than life itself!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/06/2025 14:13

Oh no, what a shame, it looks like you've got norovirus.

JLou08 · 30/06/2025 14:13

I'm not into staged photos for social media. Referring to it as narcissistic is really harsh though. I have a friend who is really in to all the staged photos, she is the most lovely woman I have met. She is creative and into photography, it isn't narcissistic at all.
I wonder if you have self-esteem issues that are leading you to judge others so harshly. Or maybe you don't really understand what a narcissist is.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/06/2025 14:12

Sorry OP. I'm not a fan of hen dos in general but I voted YABU because you said you want to be supportive but you already voiced your displeasure with the first hen do ( It was over the top expensive I think but anyway)

Your main gripe seems to be the photo taking.
Its a big life event for her.. They all want photos. I'd just let them get on with it.

I think you should just accept that you are very different people.. in her circles everyone takes lots of photos and I think you are reading far too much into that. Some of the phrases you used come across as a bit snobby.

OK so you don't like all the photo taking but it's what they want to do. There's no harm... Just take a step back. As for worrying about future events.. That's just daft and rather unfair to a new family member. Let them do them. You don't have to get that involved in it.

Come up with a polite excuse for the next hen do ( I would have gone to the UK one and not the overseas one) but since you've already been you don't need to go to this one. I don't think you should mention your dislike of their photo habits if you want to be supportive as that would be completely dissing the event you've already been too. There will be photos at the wedding. There always are. Just let them do what makes them happy.

GoldDuster · 30/06/2025 14:11

MiniLob · 30/06/2025 14:08

Yeah, this is where it has been difficult to discuss certain things with them. Almost like, if it's not what they want to hear they're a bit techy about hearing it 😔 Or the "just do what you want / don't do something you don't want to" isn't a genuine, no-strings offer.

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What you're describing isn't a close family relationship, this is an obligation with consequences. There's a difference.

MMAMPWGHAP · 30/06/2025 14:11

Accidentally wear a colourful dress. Will guarantee you don’t have to be in the photos.