Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

Raise whatever reservations you want here. But not with the organisers, u less its a hard issue or just part of general chat like shall we do xyz.

Black hens with white "bride" dress is a modern trend, everyone is doing it. It's an organised hen do that you are invited to attend I.e. fall in line with. It's perfectly fine to decline - I have done because both of them sound like a nightmare to me. But socially, the way to behave is to go and go along with it, short I any hard red lines, or don't go and leave others to the fun.

Did you actually have fun on the holiday? Because it comes across like you hated it because you didn't like the photos and socials?

And you say you havent moaned about it but you've spoken to your mum and I'd be interested to know what you said to the 3 other people who have concerns- did you agree with them? Or, as an outspoken person, did you sit quietly?

I would have just said "thank you for inviting me, but I don't have the budget for this hen do, but I'd love to come to the home hen do".

Only an incredibly self obsessed narcissist would be offended by that.

Edited to say that I hadn't read that the home do wasn't on the cards when you agreed to go to the abroad one.

I still think that you could have not gone to the abroad one without causing offence.

I would go. It would be a pity to have dropped £1000 on the abroad hen do, only to come across as churlish by not attending the UK one. Most people have black clothes so hopefully you could borrow something or if not buy it very cheaply.

It is tacky and self obsessed though. I absolutely hate this trend of telling people what to wear unless you’re prepared to pay for their outfit.

I don’t think going will lead to a life of blowing up balloons for the arches of a baby gender reveal party - does anyone but the parents even care what gender the baby is. Forewarned is forearmed and most things other than weddings are easier to get out of.

If she sees this thread your problem will be sorted anyway ;)

Organise*

I’d be tempted to pull out and hope they’d deem me unreliable so I wouldn’t be asked to org side baby showers and gender reveal etc. I can’t see this stopping with the wedding. That’s terrible of me though! I think I’d probably go to make the effort - again! 🙄 - for my brother and her too since you are fond of her. But I’d be ready to say a firm no if asked to organise anything else in future so you don’t become her party planner.

See, I disagree. I think given OP is a bridesmaid I think there will be raised eyebrows - but OP needn’t worry as she’s already attended abroad hendo so think it’s reasonable not to go to the other one.

I went to a weekend hen do in uk recently and it cost me £350 😳

to be fair, it was v enjoyable and chilled and no mandated outfits

I got married 22 years ago and I can’t think of anything that would have wrecked the lovely chilled vibe we had on the day more than pressure to make it ‘’grammable’. Makes me feel immensely glad we got married before social media was a thing.

And I wouldn’t have dreamt of expecting family and friends to spend money on the hen do at all, let alone upwards of a grand and two hens. I can’t get over the breathtaking cheek of that. This person really is up herself.

You could try “Thank you for thinking of me but I need to say no to this invitation. If anything changes I’ll let you know.”
From a Jefferson Fisher podcast on boundaries!
You might be surprised at how little she is worried about this answer. Everyone thinks their attendance matters so much more than it actually does…

Some of the first posters giving you advice are 'easier said than done' types.
In the real world, like you've said, there are consequences to dropping out, particularly if it's a family member rather than a friend - you like this woman and she might be in your life for the rest of it, it's understandable you don't want to have a go.

Plus, as you've said, despite what the MN massive "Hen do's are ridiculous what's wrong with a meal at the local and home by 10pm" say, for lots of women this amount of effort and enforcement IS completely normal, so she probably would be upset and offended if you told her you thought she was being ridiculous.

If you were posting when she'd first asked you to be her bm and were wondering if you could get out of the abroad hen I'd think that was fair enough - £1000 is a lot to spend on something you won't enjoy. But given you've already done the hardest and most expensive part, unless you really really don't want to go to the upcoming home hen and are prepared to fake a last minute illness (and as I'm assuming you've probably paid for most of it already you'd still lose the money) I'd suck it up and think at least that is the last thing - the wedding will be completely different, you'll have your whole family there to chat to not just her mates and after doing your initial walk with her down the aisle can pretty much please yourself and have fun. Be glad this is the only type of hen you'll have to do and your mates are more normal - chalk it up to an experience.

In and of itself I don't think the wear black thing is a huge issue - yes it might be hot in July (but equally in this country might be rainy!) but other than that, of all the things she could have asked you to wear black is probably the easiest to source. Asking everyone to wear a theme is pretty normal for hens - at least it's not something like fancy dress or stupid t shirt or a bright colour you'll have to buy specially and never wear again. Tbh I quite like having the pressure of finding a perfect outfit to be taken away by being told what to wear.

It sounds horrific.

Pull out now - tell that you are gutted you cant make it but you have to do something you cant get out of (hospital appt, etc).

You are just going to get more and more annoyed on the build up to it and then be pissed off at her after it.

For any future instagrammable events (baby showers, etc) ALWAYS have a get out clause. "Fantastic, cant wait. I may have to leave early though as I have already got plans later that day....." Then you have your reason to leave and if you are enjoying it can always announce that you have managed to get out of your second event.

Hear hear. The bride is being an entitled Bridezilla of the first water.

Expecting other people to pay over a grand for their hen (or stag) do is selfish, it feels more like showing off than having fun with your mates. Tragic

I got as far as '£1,000' and stopped reading for the sake of my blood pressure. Seriously, I miss the days of a night out in town with your mates.

Sorry, didn't read it all properly. The Instagrammage thing would kill it for me straight away. You've done your bit :)

Don''t go. You've spent a fortune on the other "do". If you feel obligated to go to this next one and cough up another fortune, then I suspect you don't really want to go. I've learned not to go to celebratory stuff I don't really want to go to if I know I'm not going to enjoy it - especially if I have to pay for it :) And I'd hope that my friends and family would accept that from me (and if they didn't - well, I'd be very glad about my opt-out decision) :)

I know this doesn’t help you much but I am sooooo glad when I read threads like this that all our close friends are married. People’s expectations of other people are just crazy.

swewswww

I’d also suggest laying the ground work on gender reveals and baby showers by dropping in mention of someone doing them and saying they aren’t your bag or whatever. Then when the time comes you can say it’s not your scene but have a great time and you can’t wait for baby to arrive or something similar.

Youre not "obligated" to do anything

YANBU to use your words and say actually this is out of my budget.

YABU to go and sneer about the whole thing and it being beneath you

I agree with duckbilledsplatterpuff (I did not think I'd be saying that sentence today), and I'm a millennial who got married last year and didn't have a hen do, and I don't even have Instagram.

I think either - don't go (I'm not convinced she'll be that upset about it after the message about if you can't come to the abroad hen do it's fine. She might prefer a drunk night out without her in laws but is being polite)

Or go, but I think only go if you will go along with what she's asked, wear black and take the photos. Otherwise you risk ruining her night by being awkward and upsetting her. If you're not willing to do that then just don't go.

Lots of comments about the how bride isn't that nice or expecting the couple to get divorced because she likes instagram, but OP's husband also spent £1k on the brothers stag do, so perhaps OP's brother and his wife to be are very similar, and he's quite happy with her.

If it put you in a difficult financial position I’d say don’t go, but otherwise I think I’d probably suck it up for the long term aim of family harmony and very much roll my eyes about it out of sight of the bride and her friends and family. I’d also hate being told what to wear but again if it’s going to result in a lifetime of her saying you ruined the great photo by wearing pink then I’d suck up the black dress code. I’m outspoken too but I think there’s times to just keep schtum even when you are very much in the right.

Just when did all this more than one hen do rubbish start, and why isn't one enough? If anything it's worse than having two weddings where people get married abroad then have another wedding at home.
I know a couple who had a wedding in a location 10 miles from home then another church "wedding" (blessing I suppose) in their home town. It's madness.

Why do people get completely carried away with getting married and spend thousands and thousands. 50% of marriages end in divorce... (sorry, grumpy and hot!)