Overbearing Hen Do requirements....

I completely get you OP. In my job i travel to some amazing destinations. When we all go out to sightsee, dinner etc the younger members of staff are more obsessed with getting the perfect picture for the “ gram” than actually enjoying the place we are visiting. Its incredibly shallow, boring and it wears thin pretty quickly!

I have been on a couple of hens recently. They’ve ranged from £350-£1000 (just for the hen do!) madness. One of them got married abroad too which was over £1000 in the end as well.

I am now ending this madness and going to decline in future. I had a day and night out in London for my hen, and that was ideal.

Completely agree!

I never get why people think it's completely reasonable to expect people to pay huge amounts of money for hens, stags and weddings... especially in the current financial climate where so many of us are struggling just to get our bills paid.

I agree.

And I never get why people enable them, by agreeing to their ridiculous demands. If more guests and invitees would just say "I'm sorry, this is beyond my budget" then maybe the bridezillas/MOHs would try to scale back their plans.

YANBU. At all. Buuuuut.... it's her hen so as unbelievably ridiculous as her wishes are (and I completely agree it sounds like a nightmare), they're her prerogative. I'm getting Sonia from Gavin and Stacey vibes (about your future dis in law) just reading this but it's her hen, so her choice. And you agreed to it.
I never get why people think it's completely reasonable to expect people to pay huge amounts of money for hens, stags and weddings... especially in the current financial climate where so many of us are struggling just to get our bills paid.
So, I'd say, go to the hen. You've already bankrupted yourself and this is going to be much cheaper. Go along with what she wants - it doesn't matter if you're seething with resentment, she doesn't need to know that and it's only one day. She's happy, your brother's happy, you've done your sisterly duty. It's absolutely ok (and completely justifiable) to feel irked, but be very very careful about saying anything because it'll be construed as you making everything about you... don't say anything else to the bridesmaids because it'll get fed back at some point (it always does).
And good luck!

Tell her to cluck off!

I honestly think that some of these Bridezilla’s have forgotten what marriage stands for. The union between a man and woman in love. There are so many of these weddings that become nothing more than an expensive circus.

I find this behaviour crass and immature, but some people lap it up.
I had a friend that I loved dearly, but her, hen-dos, weddings, baby showers etc broke me. We have a very distant relationship now, but tbh she is quite narcissistic.
This is family though, so suck it up, slap on a smile and very slowly distance yourself afterwards.
I feel for you OP x

Not a chance I’d be going! You already went to the oversea hen do. It alone was too much, especially considering what the stag also cost. Make your excuses and bow out now!

Can you get a dress in a charity shop? I find lovely things in them. I think virtually all my clothes come from charity shops. Go to the wealthiest area near you and look in their charity shops! You can have the added pleasure of taking it back to them for resale (NOT refund), so you’d be donating the value twice.

I agree it's all madness but it sounds like she's been swept up in all the excitement and social media, losing a lot of perspective, things like this can take on a life of their own. But it's all a bit late to object now and you do love her, so I would just grin and bear it.

@MiniLob i do agree with you (apart from the overuse of narcissism) however you come across as really judgemental. It’s what she wanted to do, you agreed to it and now complain about it behind her back. You’re not wrong to feel the way you do but if you future sil who you love to peices saw this, I reckon she’d be hurt, not because what your saying is wrong but the way you seem to think you’re better than her for having a different way of enjoying yourself.

I’m all for people having fun but crikey, £2k on hen and stag dos when it isn’t even your own wedding or honeymoon?! I wonder if half the people that went actually really wanted to go, but just went along with it to save face. How arduous to pretend at that level of expenditure.

It is so tricky, but I would have declined both of those and stuck with the Home Hen at most.

I think I’m getting old, but I really do wonder when people expect others to pay this level of madness who is it for? Fair enough if you can afford it but how about people who cannot, do they feel pressured to attend or would it financially detract from your future home set up? Is it for the bride, the friends, the social media gratification or the marriage itself?

Less is more sometimes.

just as an out there thing, I recently attended a pottery painting hen, it was actually really lovely and we had hot drinks and snacks. I hadn’t been to something like this before but it was really nice. We all got to chat and relax for a change, honestly the nicest thing to do. Another one was a light lunch at a nice countryside hotel, we all got dressed up and enjoyed the best meal! Maybe that comes after your 20’s for some.

Not everyone wants a showy social media / alcohol fest.

I'd say something like,

As we both came to the hen and stag do's last month we won't come to the one planned for next month as well. Have a lovely time and we look forward to seeing the photos.

I live in black. Wear it in all weathers/seasons. It really is possible without dying. I find it classy, timeless, slimming etc.

I can’t believe this was your tipping point.

suck it up at this point in time!

Honestly, I know it's dishonest but I'd just call in sick "oh no, it's noro, I'm so devastated as I had my beautiful black dress all ready to go and I couldn't wait to wear it and stand around for a million fake photos, such a shame, so sad, have an amazing time"
If there's 50 people there she actually won't miss you, it's basically every female who will be at the wedding surely!? She'll barely get chance to say hi to each person.
The only time I wouldn't do that is if it leaves your mum high and dry, on her own and also not happy about it!

I’ve never been to a hen do where the actual cost is given upfront, it usually starts as a sensible suggestion in a WhatsApp group and escalates from there. I wouldn’t be honest with them op just say you’re sick if you don’t want to go. It’s not worth the hassle or risking your relationship with your brother. I hate making up excuses, partly because it would probably benefit the bride to realise she’s being a bit ridiculous (friends will be thinking the same) but it never goes down well.
With you on the instagram thing too, I’ve never met anyone who’s overly into Instagram that is happy either.

I think you need to get a grip. People are allowed to be different and enjoy different things. Why do you keep saying you hope she returns to being kind and wonderful? Nothing about any of this suggests she's not.

You're the one who seems to think being outspoken (ie rude) is something to be proud of.

You didn't have to go on the hen do. The other bridesmaids said as much. Instead you did go but silently (or maybe not) judged them for having fun with photos etc. They are just making an event out of it so she feels special.

Now what is happening that is so awful? She wants you to wear black? So TF what? You must have something black. Otherwise borrow something, anything.

Or else, make up an excuse and don't go. But stop being such a miserable judgemental prick.

Unfortunately we live in a world where the 'perfect' Insta/FB photo is the most important part of any event now, from the filters used to having the right pose. It seriously drives me insane, especially after going away with a friend and her having to take endless selfies of us every night until she felt she looked OK in one to post. It was bloody draining and something I wouldn't want to repeat ever again.
The amount of money you have spent is also above and beyond what I would consider reasonable for a hen party (not just one but 2!!), unless you are comfortable enough to afford it.
I do think the colour scheme is a good idea tho, I have just been to one where we all wore black and the hen white and the photos do look really classy and let's the hen 'stand out'.

It would obviously be rude to not show up for the wedding but you could easily have bowed out of the expensive hen. It’s too late for that but cry sick off this one at least. You’re married to her brother, not her - she may feel obliged to include you but you don’t have to go, she won’t have a worse time if you stay home and you will have a better time.

Except that every woman and her dog have these black and white hen pictures now!

YANBU to hate all this stuff.

But I think you’ve overestimated the degree of obligation on you. You aren’t that close to the bride - you’ve already talked about feeling like you’re from different generations. Just because she’s marrying your brother doesn’t make you close to her - and the hen do is for her and not your brother. Equally, your husband isn’t necessarily close to your brother.

I would have gone with just attending the wedding tbh!

Just have an "unexpected" bad back/tummy bug/family emergency.

Possibly not quite the helpful suggestion you're looking for, but Next have got a very cute little black linen dress at the moment. Its very summery, and i think you'd carry it off with nice sandals, big sunglasses and a mahoosive hat.

YANBU. But… in for a penny, in for a pound.

You’ve sunk a lot in to this already - don’t risk it all being for nothing by falling out with your brother and SIL!