DH unable to cope with my MH menopausal struggles

Completely and utterly disagree.
Every womans hormones and reactions are varied.
I know a few lovely women who turned into terrifying monsters.

Feeling "snappy" or irritable is a common symptom of menopause. Fluctuating hormone levels, particularly estrogen, can affect brain chemistry and mood regulation, leading to increased irritability and even anger.

menopause 😤!! Could be anything that triggers anger, a crumb on the floor, unwashed spoon.😂

I can’t see that OP has mentioned anger issues here, just being snappy which is a normal part of menopause and whilst not pleasant to be on the receiving end of, isn’t the end of the world.

Being snappy is not a 'normal' part of menopause. The OP was right to apologise for their behaviour but needs to find ways of managing this without impacting on the rest of their family.

I think you sound depressed, OP. Might be worth a chat with your GP?

Sad to see some of the responses on this thread, but it is important to remember OP, that not everyone's experience of the menopause is the same. I have struggled severely with hormone issues and only realised thats what it was when put through surgical menopause. Actually things are much better for me, I am calmer, less anxious, less stressed and happier than ever, I do need HRT due to some symptoms and due to my age. However, what I do see now, is that when I had my DC and had severe PND that I was also in Peri and the effects on me were so severe I didn't want to be here anymore, add in anti depressants and I was bordering on physcotic and I'm lucky I'm still alive. So I think that really shows how lucky the people telling you that you need to control your emotions are.

I hope you start seeing the benefits of your HRT soon

No. Im sorry but I don’t believe it’s ok to take out your emotions on someone else. We wouldn’t say it was ok for an angry man. Why is it ok because OP is a woman?

Well maybe you were lucky and didn’t suffer the way the OP is and MILLIONS of other women are. Your comment was really off. Do better.

I was asked my age. Well and truly post menopause.

post menopause here and I had to do it cold turkey because it was 30 years ago and the choices avaialble to me didn't suit me. I think you do need to have a conversation with your husband about how he can help you not to lose it at him, but honestly if you can't stop crying and are rowing with an otherwise loving husband, I'd not be waiting to see how the HRT pans out, I'd be asking for more help now. @Jimmyneutronsforehead has made some good points but I'd like to add that maybe you are not capable of judging your own behaviour at this point.

Loads of sympathy here @Hamiltonfan . I can very much relate to the snapping, the crying, the RAGE, feeling like you're not in your right mind. It's so upsetting. No it's not 'ok' to be biting everyone's head off but you know that and you're doing what you can to address your hormone levels. Some posters on here can't pass up the opportunity to give someone else a good kicking 🙄

HRT took a good 8 weeks to kick in for me - I was up and down and all over the place. Then I started feeling more peaceful and more like myself. The rage, irritability and crying for no reason have now totally stopped for me. Hang in there - give it a good 3-4 months from start of prescription and see how you go. Your dose may need increasing. You honestly won't feel like this forever x

I don't think you're abusive OP.

Can I ask though how is your marriage generally?

There's a well documented phenomenon that men are less likely to cope when their wives are having a medical event.

Just look at the statistics of men who leave their wives when they get a cancer diagnosis or require any modicum of care.

What was said in the argument? Because if you're positive that you haven't been snapping or making jabs or expecting anything unreasonable I'm wondering if he is trying to find a way to make out that he is a victim to your emotions, when your emotions are definitely heightened but they're just natural responses to his ineptitude?

As mentioned previously I do think there are things we can all do to help us stay regulated and we are all accountable for our own actions, but if we're being accountable for our own actions and they're justified and reasonable, then you cannot be accountable for someone else's reactions, that's on them.

Age?

We had a huge row on Friday night and haven't really spoken since. He has apologised for upsetting me but not for what he said.

What did he say? Because unless this was something really horrendous it sounds like you’ve been giving him the silent treatment for days rather than the two of you trying to deal with this like grown ups.

My mum had a crap menopause and spent years snapping and crying and running off to her bedroom to get away from us all, in a way that’s fine because she was in retrospect clearly distressed. But the horrible thing was rather than making the effort to realise the menopause was skewing her perceptions she tried to blame her feelings on something - anything - that someone had done. Is it possible you’re doing this with your husband? Surely after decades of periods you know that sometimes people are legitimately being awful to you and sometimes they aren’t but your hormones can make you feel very upset or got at?

Are you serious? Or are you casually abusing me by being so snappy…

I’m a perimenopausal woman, not a man. Some people have been a bit curt but I think the message is the right one. Dwelling on whether her DH’s apology was worded correctly isn’t going to help. Peri is hard to live through but it’s also hard for everyone else to be constantly snapped at. A little grace in all directions is called for.

@Hamiltonfan I TOTALLY empathise.

From my own personal experience, I did not recognise myself, completely lost my mojo. Used to cry at the drop of a hat and the anxiety was off the scale!

It would definitely be worth a conversation with your husband, it is hormonal and for some women the menopause is debilitating and can be quite daunting coping with symptoms.

Of course, those suggesting that it is somehow "an excuse" to behave "badly" must have sailed through their menopause, fantastic for you, but it is not the same for us all.

Wishing you tranquillity 🌸

Not been through the menopause OP so can only offer my sympathies.

I am autistic though and the littlest things can set me off crying and snapping.

The first thing I could recommend is that as you're able to identify your emotions, and you know when you're getting sad you need to practice saying things to yourself like: do I need connection right now or do I need space? Can I get space right now and if not when is my next available slot that I can prioritise myself and my own needs?

Once you've answered those questions for yourself, then you can ask others for what you need. "Can I have a hug, can I have some space, I just need to pop upstairs for 5 minutes, I'm just having some feelings right now but it isn't a reflection on you, thank you for being there for me, thank you for giving me that time to dust myself off"

It's also important to note that you don't always perceive yourself how others perceive you. To you, you can logically explain you're not snapping, you're feeling overwhelmed by emotion, but to them they don't know why you're feeling the way you are and they can't just make assumptions that it's hormonal, so it is easy for them to internalise your emotions.

It can also feel like you're really isolated. You've already said your husband nearly died a few years ago and you were by his side 24/7. He's not reciprocating that, but that's because you're not nearly dying. To you, the feeling of being all alone in this is still really valid but to everyone else, the feeling of it being a lack of crisis is also still really valid. You're allowed to be upset, but they're also allowed to see this as another part of life and not a part of death.

I do feel that menopause needs to be discussed and publicised more than it is, because as another PP said women DO lose their jobs because of the menopause, they end up slowing down, they get assessed for capability, they're put through the ringer and are basically managed out of companies, and it's hard to prove because each woman's menopause is so different, but there should be more public tolerance for this natural change in our lives.

Please talk to your doctor again if it is making you feel really low. It's what they are there for. Mental health changes are a huge risk around menopause, and you do not have to suffer silently or suck it up but for now just try and find a way to communicate your needs so you can feel the feelings you are, so that others don't internalise them.

Nope. Not a man. Just a woman who doesn’t this it’s ok to take your hormones out on your family.

Nice to see you just dismiss casual abuse.

Why do you expect others to make allowances for your MH, but refuse to make any allowances for the results of your behaviour?

They should all just put up and shut up?

Look, I know that the menopause can affect women differently, but it seems to me that there must be other issues that trouble you. What steps are you taking to address those?

I also think you might benefit from counselling, even if it’s just talking therapy. I certainly found it a useful outlet and a means of straightening my head and get on top of some difficult emotions when I went through the menopause.

Some of the comments having a dig at OP feel like AI comments. I can’t believe another woman would leave such mean comments about a woman struggling

we all go thru peri differently but just cos someone didn’t struggle to the same degree as OP doesn’t give them the right to assume she’s just grumpy and excusing her behaviour
she clearly is trying the best she can and is already seeking help for it with HRT
i totally empathise, it’s also hard for your husband but you’ll both get thru it if you are able to keep lines of communication open

Are you always so rude? You must be a man. No woman could make such a dumb comment surely…