Husband ran up debt

Sounds like he needs to do monthly cash envelopes for fuel, takeaways, subscriptions, lottery, etc; so you’re not having to babysit his every purchase. When the monthly amount is gone; it’s gone. Either physical cash envelopes, or digital cash envelopes like the YNAB app.

Does he have ADHD?

I know it’s can be super annoying when people raise neurodiversity on threads so apols if not relevant.

ofc it doesn’t excuse his behaviour but it may explain it and diagnosis/ meds could be a game changer.

Um. Well, that makes this sound more of a family problem.

A takeaway once a month and McDonalds every week isn’t far off the £175 a month you’re collectively going over budget. That’s it. Add in his lottery habit maybe.

You both believe that you deserve to be able to consume at a certain level, but you don’t have the money. I know this is a generational thing. I didn’t eat out with my parents, ever, as a child. We went to a pub for my grandmothers 80th birthday (she paid) and we had a pizza out for my A- level results. These things aren’t essential and tbh it isn’t cruel to any of you to stop doing them. If you genuinely care about sorting out your finances, it will be pretty straightforward, just dull. I went to the library a lot.

£21,000 over 10 years is only £2,100 a year and over spending by £40ish a week. In fact probably less because the cost of servicing that debt will be included (unless he’s good at switching to 0% finance deals all the time)

you mention buying a car to taxi - is that part of the debt? Could he sell that asset (and stop taxiing) and get a different second job?

If you want to stay with him he might be the sort of person who can’t have cards and can only have cash. Which you’d have to give him like pocket money. That would give me the ick.

My DH was terrible with money when we first met, but he’s learned quickly. We still have different attitudes to money, I’m a saver, he’s a spender but we talk all the time, balance each other out and take all financial decisions together. We do have debt but haven’t paid interest on any sort of debt in over 10 years.

he's not eating lunch out every day, it’s groceries he’s paying for so I’m worrying that because he’s paying out about £800 a month on his personal debt that he can’t even afford to meet the basic needs of the family. So everything he paid for, my petrol for example, the weekly McDonald’s, the odd Chinese, £50 or so on groceries when he went - that all falls to me now because he was using more credit to pay for all that. It’s basic living stuff not over and above our needs.

It fell to you anyway, because he wasn’t paying for it. You just didn’t know that. It’s a huge adjustment to realise that your lifestyle will be massively impacted by his behaviour. The reality is you can’t afford McDonalds, a takeaway, extra curricular stuff for the kids, streaming subscriptions etc because you’re broke - because if you decide to stay with him you’ll need to bring the debt down and that will impact everyone in the household.

He’s been behaving like a single man while accessing the security your income and work ethic provide. Who on earth has a single person private health cover when they have a wife and kids? His thought process and the whys almost don’t matter - he’s done what he’s done and either way you’ll be picking up the pieces.

You need to establish, right now, whether he has been drawing down on the mortgage in the last two years.

I think you need to get some legal advice and see what the divorce option would really look like. Then you can make an informed decision.

If you choose to stay with him for now you’re going to have to treat him like a child. He would need a prepaid credit card where you put spending money each week. Everything else goes to debt repayments. Run a credit report on him every month so any new debt shows up.

This is really Machiavellian but actually you’ll end up better off in the long run if you take control so he pays off his debts now and you divorce down the line. Depends what age your kids are but you could deal with the finances until they’re a bit older so there is more to split if/when you do choose to divorce.

A weekly McDonalds and Chinese takeaways are not 'basic living stuff'.

Has he cancelled the £300 trip he's booked yet?

This.

me struggling as a single parent with one wage

Sounds like you’ll effectively be struggling on one wage anyway, but by staying together you’ll have to support him as well as your kids.

You realise you're the one worrying about this, don't you, not him? He's crying and letting you take on all the burden. Fuck that, OP. You can't do that.

I'd separate and then help him put it all into one big loan in his name. I couldn't live like that - it would destroy me.

Hate to ask, but what does he do about tax?

he’s been using cards to pay for petrol, shopping, kids McDonald’s so now that all falls to me as seemingly his wages aren’t enough.

What has he been using his wage for? Presumably he covers half the household costs, does that take up his wage or is he also covering minimum payments on credit cards which means his disposable income is pretty much nil.

The answer of course is if he can’t afford it he doesn’t buy it. If him doing taxis means all that income is going on car costs and fuel, it isn’t bringing in any additional money so he stops doing it, gets rid of the car (for a cheap run around if needed) and gets a second job that pays a wage.

If you decide to stay (and I know it’s a big if), you need a monthly budget that keeps a tight reign on things, no treats, holidays etc until the debt is paid and see where you are when that’s done.

In reality you’ve been taking on his debt unknowingly because you’ve been subsidising the family budget because he’s been pissing his money up the wall. Nothings changed in that you have always been carrying the bulk of costs, and paying his living costs, it’s just that know you know with all that entails.

You can’t really worry about his debt “up to his eyeballs “ when he leaves you—thatvus his business.

Also I think something you are not getting is that his debt arises from all his spending not just his selfish spending. Its all the same money. He will happily pay for himself when he is a lone actor when he gets kicked out. He will not take on a second job to pay for your mortgage or the children’s needs. He probably sees the money spent on the family as an unfair extraction and distraction.

If you already discussed “what he would take” to leave and he stated the amount was 40,000 I think you can’t pretend that this is a shocking idea or one that will kill him. That is a very calculated statement from him.

Sit down with your finances and figure out the cheapest way to get shot of him and what happens after. But realuze that he will always lie and run up more debt. Eventually you and the children will pay that debt one way or another.

I'd be asking myself if he's upset because of the debt or because you've found out about the debt

Different circumstances but my ex bil had a breakdown after the break up with his marriage to my sister. He was abusive and this was the reason for the breakdown of the marriage. He said he couldn't cope with being called an abuser no comment on him being abusive or the impact of that abuse on my sister. He was completely and genuinely distraught but not by his actions only being called out on his actions.

He needs to be the one to pull himself out of this, he needs to arrange a meeting with a free debt charity like step change or Christians against poverty. He seems to thrive on deception and the more you control his finances the more opportunities you give him to be deceptive.

"where do I even stand now if he’s got debt I’m responsible for. It’s all in his own name not mine but I’m responsible as his wife"

No, you are NOT responsible 'as his wife' whatsoever. Please get some legal advice re division in a split.

He's left himself up shit creek, you don't have to join him.

I’m clearly not aware of his finances and didn’t want to be. It was meant to be his business as the joint bills were sorted so why should I take an interest?? Should have known better

Please don't be so quick to blame yourself, @deirdrechilly; within a long term trusting relationship it's perfectly normal for each partner to deal with different "bits", but unfortunately he's ensured that trust isn't something you've got here

Having been there after a marriage of 30+ years I understand very well that a new life can be scary, but again what's the alternative?

And if that "servicing joint account" bears his name too I'd be very careful around what changes he could make wiith the bank if it comes to a split, considering he's "agreed" to plenty of other things then ignored them.
That includes the possibility he could have takeen out loans in your name without you knowing, so as well as focusing on him I'd suggest a full credit report on yourself

Well you do know better, now. And when you know better, you do better.

Take a moment and take a deep breath. Realistically you are no worse off now that you know the truth. Its painful, definitely, but deep down you know and have always known he was unreliable. Now its out in the open. What do you really want to do?

Did he cancel all unnecessary subscriptions?
I regards to shopping I thinks he should be put in charge of meal planning and shopping can be done on delivery, no need to go in person.
Chnage in behaviour and habits will take months. He has to be prepared for a very hard slog. Just cutting up cards is not going to do it.