Does your DH hate when family visit?

I did. You said your mum lived about an hour away and then that it was a 200 mile round trip with the kids.

I think people have missed the fact that the ops husband does fuck all to help her, doesn’t support her, and that’s precisely why she needs her mum.

id start a new thread op about why you do everything and how little your husband supports you, and you might find the answers to your actual problem - an unequal relationship- rather than a little side problem which has arisen as a consequence

My daily commute to work is 1-1.5 hours each way, it’s not ideal as a commute but it doesn’t warrant a 3+ day stay.
it sounds like actually you’ve got too much on your plate and you’re a bit lonely dealing with it all, so you’re bringing your mum to help you and be your partner in it.
so I suppose I’d ask why dh isn’t your partner or why you can’t reduce your work load particularly if the current set up is causing a strain on your marriage.

fwiw I’d move out if my in laws were going to be there for a week a month

Perhaps your brother should move to be closer to your mum. Then she can help him and he can drive her to visit you.
His MH issues aren’t going to go away so I can see your husbands concerns. You have 3 children. They are meant to be your priority. Not spending 2 weekends a month driving your mum back and forth when she can get the train to visit you. Not helping your adult brother with his shopping.

Your husband seems to be so low down on your list of priorities I can see why he’s pissed off. I would be too.
Leave your mum to help your brother and focus on your own family

Your DH is right about feeling put out but you're right in that you need help.

The 2 options really are:

1. Your mum needs to move closer to yourself and brother to help more if that's what's needed

1. Still live there she is, but needs to make her own travel arrangements and either stay with your brother or a hotel.

DH definitely (and rightly) would not be ok with me making a unilateral decision for mum to move in 25% of the time.

It seems like it’s far too much and I wonder if this has become a default - can she reduce the days if she can’t reduce the frequency? can your brother go to hers? Can she stay at hotel/airbnb?

what specifically does DP ‘moan’ about her visits? does she act independently in your home or is she always just there?

have you agreed with dp that your mum is an important part of the household working? Or that she needs to care for her son? Or given him the option of stepping up or agreeing other solutions together?

How can it be both an hour away on the M6 and 100 miles away?

I'm with your DP. I wouldn't be happy with that either.

My DH gets on really well with my parents but even he would get fed up of having my mum for 3x days twice a month. That’s a lot of time to have someone else in the house.

Is it likely to be a short-term thing? If so we’d probably manage to get on with it but I think you need to space the visits out or shorten them. Why can’t you pick her up on Day 1 and take her home the next day if you don’t want to do all the driving on the same day? Or she gets a train part of the way?

I drive an hour each way to commute for
work! There’s no way that needs an overnight, let alone 3 days at a time.

My family are 1.5hrs away, we do that just for lunch sometimes!

Definitely too much @Justwanttobehappyx, team husband on this.

I think that’s quite a lot especially as she’s not that far.

Why do you need support to look after your brother?

This whole set up has an enmeshed feel about it…

Posters are comparing their own situations to that of the OP.

There are clearly reasons why the OP needs her mum’s support.

Could you talk to your mum and make it every three weeks, OP? That way you’d be showing some compromise without losing your support.

If my MIL came to stay once a month I would be divorced

My dh invites my family over himself. He loves them and loves having family/friends over. I feel sorry for your mum as I’ll bet she picks up on it. Totally out of order.

To add my parents are 1 hour 45 minutes away. Also down the m6. They come
for the day. Haven’t stayed overnight for about 7 years. They are both mid seventies and manage the drive just fine

I'm sure it would but if the brother is unwell and needs his mum and his sister to look after him, I doubt he's in a position to afford a one bed flat rather than a room in a house share.

My parents lived a good 3 hour drive from us and did come to stay every few months for at least a couple of days when the children were small. DH was fine about it and we also had his mum and his brothers and their families stay as well. I didn't always love it but made the effort for his family as he did with mine.

BUT it sounds like your brother is quite demanding of your time and attention and having your mum for 3 days every fortnight is quite a lot - it's not surprising that your DH is getting pissed off. It's hard to just relax and be yourself with MIL in the house even if he gets on well with her. Perhaps he feels your family's problems are encroaching too much on family life?

Like most, I'm with your dp.

I wouldn't want my MiL staying with me 6 days a month.

I would also expect her to use public transport if she never bothered learning to drive, but only lives an hour away.

An hour each way on the M6 is nothing - loads of commuters do it every day. I do it to meet my friend for lunch. There is no reason for your mum to stay so often and for so long, and I sympathise with your husband, OP. His house must feel like it's not his own, and I think you need to make some compromises.

If she's staying for two or three days each time she comes and she's now coming once a fortnight then I'm not surprised your DP is getting fed up with it. She's only an hour away, there is really no need.

I suppose it depends what the issues are with your brother and whether his health problems are something he's likely to make a full and fairly quick recovery from. Because you say your DH couldn't give a crap about sharing the mental load of helping your brother, but perhaps he thinks why should he? Maybe he's getting tired of your brother being your main priority.

Do you have children? If your relationship, your family life and your DH's comfort and privacy in his own home always has to come second to you and your mum fussing around over your brother then that is going have a bad impact on your relationship.

I am with you overall OP. You can't help the circumstances that necessitate this setup. You can't abandon your brother and neither can she. But, if this is not a short term thing then it runs the risk of some real resentment and unhappiness. He can't always be low down on the priority list and he can't be excluded from decisions about who is in his home and how much privacy there is. I feel for you and you have my sympathy