Does your DH hate when family visit?

Is his issue that she taking your attention away from him?

If your mum doesn't drive, how does she help with getting him to appointments and doing his shopping? If he's lonely is she visiting him at the houseshare or taking him out or are they both at yours?

As pp have said would you be happy if it was your in-laws who stayed that often? Do they get to visit you or does your DM staying mean they can't? How much leisure time do you get with DH without your DM present or you disappearing to deal with your DB?

Also how likely is recovery for DB? Is he likely to relapse? Your DH might think that this is what life is always going to look like, and may get worse as your DM ages and you are supporting her more. That may not be what he wants.

You said you don't want to move your DM to your area which is understandable, but how full is her life where she currently is? Does her life revolve around the time you spend with her or is she active in her own community? There's a big difference between hosting an active person with lots of interests and someone whose life is focused on their time with you.

Three days a month would be too much for me and DH, let alone three days every couple of weeks. With all this driving back and forth and having your mother stay over how are you fitting in family time with your husband and three kids?
Can your brother move closer to your mum or vice versa?

Bloke here.

Could be hard work for that it they’re difficult.

Could be relief it my in-laws are were amazing.

Mine are somewhere in between. Probably hard work but I do want them to know their grandchildren and vice versa. Would probably put up with it.

OP: "200 mile round trip with 3 kids is too much it doesn’t make sense".

That's why OP won't go to her mum's, not the current arrangement. The round trip is 200 miles, but somehow only an hour each way.

How old is your mother @Justwanttobehappyx ?

As you have small dc, and as she is coming to support her ds, I'm going to presume she isn't late 80s and somewhat doddery?
If she has never learned to drive, I think it is reasonable to assume she is therefore used to using public transport ?
So I'm still not clear why she can't do that.

I assumed 50 miles in an hour. 100 mile as the round trip.
200 miles over the weekend.

DH and I are both uncomfortable when in the presence of our in-laws. We’ve been together for 23 years.

I couldn’t cope with my own parents staying that often either.

I adore my in laws but I couldn’t have them staying in my house for 3 days every 2 weeks. That’s A LOT. Almost a week a month.

@Notonthestairs You can't do 100 miles in an hour anywhere in this country, let alone in standstill traffic (OP's own words) on the M6.

First, my DH never moans about my family, nor do I about his. For me it was really important that each of us would treat the other's family as we would treat our own. But I don't see why someone an hour away needs to stay that often. I would find that stressful even if it were my own family.

Presumably it’s a 100 round mile trip because the Op is driving to collect her mother - who doesn’t drive - and then driving home.

Just because the Ops brother lives in an house share that doesn’t mean he’s living with friends.

I’m very sympathetic to your commitment to your sibling, I would certainly do what I could to support mine. But I’m afraid I would also find it quite difficult to have a relative staying 6 days a month.

Do you think that you could realistically put a timeline on this - say X weeks/months and then review. Is your brother receiving any other support from health services or relevant MH charities?

I wouldn’t want my own DF staying that much, it also impacts the DC and what they are able to do especially if you are shuttling people around all the time

Has that always been your “role” in the family is to accommodate and do things for everyone else, otherwise you feel bad?

I'm with your DH. Someone else living with you 6 days a month is a huge deal. I wouldn't cope with that.

This is way excessive. YABU. I’d feel really annoyed if my space was encroached on for an entire weekend every month.

Yabu - I would absolutely hate this set up. I’m quite sure my husband, who actually often suggests I invite my parents for lunch/dinner (more so than his own parents), would also hate it.

He’s very lonely on his own also

But you said upthread he's in a house share? You need to get your story straight, what with this and the one-hour 100 mile trip 🤔

I can understand you wanting to help out your family but honesty, this sounds horrendous. My absolute worst nightmare. That’s your entire weekend getting taken up every month never mind every fortnight with in-laws staying. And leaving on Monday if DH works on a Monday is in my opinion unacceptable unless it’s a one off emergency. You need some time to yourself before starting the week ahead. I appreciate it’s not coming from a bad place but I think you are being totally unreasonable.

No my DH would not have problem with this
No decent person would

Ive only read a few comments. You sound like a lovely daughter. My OH wouldn’t be happy with it. It’s so hard balancing the needs of family, partner and then yourself… my family lived abroad and would stay in my lounge for a week at a time maybe twice a year, my partner hated it. If I’d only had myself to consider I wouldn’t have minded at all. Now they live in the same town it’s much easier and less intense. I don’t think you are being unreasonable but then I also don’t think he’s being unreasonable… there’s a happy medium somewhere, you just need to discuss it, which may be an awkward convo to be had. Good luck 🍀

If I had my MIL staying every other weekend, Friday to Sunday evening, I wouldn’t like it one bit.

Can't she get a train? How old is she? I would be looking at her moving. Unless shes 75+ then I understand the hesitation

I would be fuming if my DP set up an arrangement such as this. I’d be looking to move out and leave you to it.

You can’t seriously think this is in anyway reasonable?

At a whole week a month it isn't a spare room, it's her room and it's invading your relationship.

Someone posted about your DH not helping. I've assumed that hes working or has less time available to help with those things your mum does. Is there a middle ground.

Could you cut her visits down by asking your do to contribute? If your brother isn't comfortable with him coming to help, could dh do things with the kids to give you more time.