Does your DH hate when family visit?

Your brother could have groceries delivered to his house every week, and you could get a company to go and collect his laundry every 10 days.
You could also set up Zoom so you both take turns checking in with him every day, and then again take it in turns to visit him once a fortnight?

So your Dh works in the week then has 2 out of 4 weekends taken up with your mum? When do you have family days with your dc? You say he doesn’t do the mental load but presumably he has to when you’re off helping your db/ferrying your dm and him around?

Can you imagine the responses on here if a woman was told she should uncomplainingly accommodate her MIL six days a month, 2 x 3 overnights, being collected and taken home again on two hour round trips by her son, having two weekends a month hijacked when they have three children to look after, so that her husband and his mother could make an almost full time job out of looking after your depressed brother in law, because he says he needs to share the mental load?

If he's really severely depressed he won't be leaving the house much, so apart from doing a weekly grocery drop off of foods that are simple for him to prepare and taking some of his washing away and delivering it back again the following week, what does he actually need that anyone can really help with? The OP could do that in one morning each week, have a chat with him, check that he's he's taking his meds, then go again. Anything more is infantilising him and probably not helping anyway.

Responding to a medical emergency such helping out for a couple of weeks posts-surgery while someone convalesces is one thing, but this chronic ongoing MH situation could go on for years and I suspect it already has. This man has had his home, his wife, his weekends and his family routine hijacked, with no real end in sight. It's not surprising that he's running out of sympathy and patience.

I’m with your DH. It’s too much. Your priority seems to be your Mum and providing support to your brother.
You have barely mentioned your three DCs. Your DH and kids should be priority no.1.

I have supported someone with severe mental health issues. It’s really hard and can be utterly draining, but at some point you have to step back look after your own priorities. I suspect your DH and DCs are feeling a bit second best

Totally agree.

You sound quite emotionally enmeshed with your family OP. i suspect even if your brother wasn't unwell you would still find a reason to need your mother to stay several days a month and would still run around driving her everywhere instead of asking her to get the train and picking her up and dropping her off at the station.

What are the issues your brother has, specifically?

Can't your brother move to your mothers town?

What help do you need to give your brother? Is it just sitting with him and keeping him company and taking him shopping, or...?

How old is your brother?

I have a lot of sympathy for you all but im trying to work out whether there's any way your brother could or should be taking more responsibility for this situation, as while I understand MH issues can be debilitating, there are two women in this situation who are having their lives upturned here.

So it’s ok for your mum to find a 1 hr trip on the m6 “exhausting” but not ok for your DH to be pissed at her staying over for days on end every month?
You put the wrong AIBU.

Early 70s is not that old. Most of the people I know of that age are adventurous and good health. If they don't drive, they take trains, buses and taxis. However good she is with the children and your brother, she sounds quite high maintenance.

I think it's understandable that your husband feels that your mother and brother are taking up a lot of your time and energy. This would be okay for a limited period/during a crisis. But it is dragging on and on.

How much does your dh help out with the kids and chores op?

And do you work ft op or could there be some way of arranging your mum’s visits when your dh is at work?

Even if he finds it difficult, it’s very immature and unpleasant of your dh to be rude and blunt to your mum op and that isn’t acceptable at all. When a member of your other half’s family is in difficulty and needs support then everyone should rally around. I can see why the frequency of your mil’s visits could get to him a bit if it’s every other weekend but he should be expressing that to you in private and with respect, And you should come up with a time-line and compromise together.

Sounds like your husband doesn't help you out much, and the fact that he resents you seeing your brother tells me that he's not keen on you doing stuff away from home, even when it doesn't impact him.

Even my knobhead ex would have sucked it up whilst your brother is so unwell.

Does it have to be at weekends?

I’ll also say that this kind of thing can cause resentment to fester in the long term, because if your dh is being made to feel guilty for objecting and therefore feeling silenced this will probably build up, so do beware op.

I think three days is too much. If traffic is the issue (and I get it, we live near a bastard of a motorway known for its queues) then can she not just plan ahead with her leaving times?
My dh would not be happy with it either! And fond as I am of my fil, I would struggle with it too.

@SandersNilestrom and do you care likewise for your in-laws?

And you can care and like your partner’s parents without having to have them stay every other weekend. If you did that with both sets of parents you wouldn’t have any free weekends.

Just wanted to say I agree with posters and your husband - 3 days a week every fortnight is too much.

When was the last time you took your dh out for a pint? Maybe next time your mum comes up she can babysit and you can spoil your dh for one evening.

How much time are you spending with your DB?

Where do your in-laws fit in?

How much parenting does your DH do?

I couldn’t cope with in-laws staying every other weekend, and I wouldn’t make DH put up with my family that much either. Even once a month is quite a lot.

Does your DM have lots of friends where she is now? Is there a similar retirement flat complex near you? What is the plan with DB, will he always be living near you? Are his MH issues a long term thing? Is he usually independent?

I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t respect and care for my mother. Definite dealbreaker for me. Sorry Op. My husband was the one who made sure we had a spare room for her when we bought our current place.

I wouldn't be happy if I were him either - your brother is an adult, let him get on with it, if he just eats pot noodles then it won't kill him

Do you work op? Re If your mum doesn't drive, how does she help with getting him to appointments and doing his shopping? If he's lonely is she visiting him at the houseshare or taking him out or are they both at yours? are you taking the dc out on all these journeys and trips or are you leaving them at home? Very much team dh.

so every second weekend his weekends are not his? No , sorry , it’s too much.

I haaaaate people staying in my home. Visits this frequently would be incredibly draining and I would be unhappy too.

I think some people don't find their own families draining and so they are oblivious to the impact it has.

How long has this been going on? It doesn’t sound like you have compromised to date and the stays have gone from monthly to fortnightly. I think it’s reasonable he wants it to stop now.