Does your DH hate when family visit?

I think it is a helpful contribution. Regardless of whether posters here think OP's husband is being unreasonable, he has his own opinion and can choose to leave the marriage if he's seriously unhappy.

I personally would hate having a house guest every other weekend. I would feel like I worked all week, had no rest (I'm an introvert, I can't relax properly when guests are over), and then went back to work for a week. I'd be miserable.

Equally, OP can decide having a partner who doesn't help her with the children or housework, and doesn't support her family to help her brother is unacceptable to her.

Re the food shopping, if the brother just eats pot noodles when left to his own devices, does he actually cook the food OP and her mother buy?

I've had something minor similar to this, you can do everything except put the food cooked in front of them and hand them their cutlery, and you come home and they've been to the chip shop. If they can't be arsed then that's their choice, he'll survive.

What a load of ridiculous behaviour from everyone. Get a regular online shop for the useless brother if you must, and tell your mother to get a bloody grip and change trains for visits, otherwise just visit her for the day every month max.

Job done. Don’t enable this helplessness. I bet they would all do fuck all to help you @Justwanttobehappyx so stop being such a mug.

My mother can drive but won’t drive out of her town, she won’t even try a different supermarket because she is “scared of the car parks”. We take no notice, if she won’t get in the car and visit then visits are limited to only when I can go there- which is about every 6 weeks plus family celebrations. It’s her loss. She’s perfectly capable but refuses to try anything and I’m not enabling it. If she was ill/disabled/lost her license that would be different and I’d be there in a flash, but she’s just taken this ridiculous stance and because of her personality she hasn’t backed down for decades. I love her dearly but she is an absolute idiot in this regard.

Oh I totally agree!

The brother has mental health issues, we don't know what they are but do know he can drive so could pick up his mum if he chose to, but he doesn't. Which is why I previously asked if he wanted her there.

If he is suffering from anxiety/depression part of the treatment is to actually do things, but it is hard.

I also think there are better ways to help then OP picking the mother up and having her stay 2 weekends a month so she can take him shopping.

Online delivery, video calls etc can all help, but the main issue is that OP seems to be the only capable adult in her family and has fallen into a pattern that supports their learned helplessness.

Could your brother find a house share that’s closer to your mam? Sounds like a tough situation

Tbh you (and your dc) seem to be at everyone else’s mercy, trying to make them all happy whilst they put all these stipulations in.
Dh doesn’t want your mum around but seemingly also won’t help you.
Your mum chose not to learn to drive (unless it’s for health reasons) and now is unwilling to learn how to get the train (even if you did the journey with her once or twice to get her confident with the routine and showed her how to use the apps etc?) I get that she’s 71 but if she’s able bodied and capable enough to help your brother she can probably catch a train. My 75 year old mil goes on holiday regularly and seems to manage to figure that out.

your DB won’t drive far and won’t buy anything other than pot noodles. As a grown man these are his choices. Does he really need to be taken shopping. Couldn’t you order him some food or leave him to eat what he chooses?

and you are running around trying to keep everyone happy. Is any of this benefiting your dc?

Given your mums various limitations, I can’t see how she’s much help? I don’t understand why a 71 year old woman can’t accommodate a change of train.

Maybe your brother should move near your mum? Why did he move near you? You don’t need to take him shopping, just arrange a food delivery. You appear to be the only functioning adult in your family. I would be really pissed off if I were your DH.

What a helpful contribution 🙄

If your mum is in her 70s, at some point she may also need support.

Is is feasible for her to move closer to you and your brother actually move in with her?

I completely agree with you, but i also think its wrong of us to focus on this woman in her 70s. The onus needs to be on her brother to help people help him. That's why it would be useful to get a clearer picture of his situation: is this someone with learning disabilities? Is he just going through a rough patch? How long has this been going on for?

The OP said:

"Mum is 71 she will only get the train to the nearest train station where she doesn’t have to change over which is 45 mins from me. So this is what we have been doing I don’t drive all the way to her."

She won't change trains. She will only get on one train and then requires the OP to pick her up. It's not hard to move to a different platform and wait for another train unless she has some kind of disability the OP hasn't mentioned.

I asked why she doesn't drive because it shows a pattern of behaviour. The mother is 71 and so was a teenager/young adult in the 70s when it was pretty normal to learn to drive, if she didn't do it then she could have learnt as an adult when she had children. It is understandable that someone might not have the money to have a car but why did she never learn? It is a basic adult skill it is unusual that she can't do it.

The OP is enabling her mother by facilitating her refusal to change trains and it seems like it has been going on for a long time.

She won't get the train so you have to drop everything to play taxi.

She does get the train, and OP picks her up from a station 45 minutes away. It's in the thread @Magenta82

And what's the point in questioning why she doesn't drive? It's not as though she can learn now to solve the problem.

Read the thread. The mother comes to support her son/OP's brother who has mental health problems. So OP going to her is irrelevant and pointless.

Given that the mother seems to only sleep at OP's house as she's at the brother's during the day, I doubt that the DH's weekend is affected that much.

Also DH moans when OP helps her brother, so he sounds like a prince.

It all sounds very awkward to be honest.

Your mum is staying with you 2 weekends a month which would start to irritate any partner.

She won't get the train so you have to drop everything to play taxi.

She is no great age but doesn't drive, does she have some kind of medical issue?

She is coming to help your brother but he won't get her, does he even want her there?

You sound like a people pleaser with too much on, something has to give. I think you need to do less and other people need to do more, your husband isn't helping with your family, fair enough, but what else is he doing to help? If you weren't running around after your mother and brother they would have to learn to be a bit more self sufficient, at the moment you are enabling their helplessness.

Team husband.
We are just a bit older than your mother and visit one of our adult children every week to look after our grandchildren. It is about an hour away and we travel there and back in the day.
I would hate anyone staying with me six days a month. People over 70 are perfectly capable of changing trains. I am fairly LC with my mother, but when I do see her, it is only for the day and involves 2 changes of train and the trip takes about 2 hours, so 4 hours in the day. I think your mother just likes staying with you.

If I were DH I’d be looking for a divorce.

DH sounds charming. You have an unwell brother in need of temporary support to get better. He objects to you helping your brother, he objects to you mum coming to help your brother, he is rude when she is in the house.

What would the situation be if it were DH’s sibling or family member unwell and in need of support? I’d have a bigger issue with the selfishness of someone who objected to me supporting an unwell family member.

Are you supposed to be devoting 100% of your time and attention to husband worship? Is that his problem?

Try and out yourself in Dhs shoes. He probably feels like he comes last in your priorities, but also it’s a tricky situation for you. Your mum needs to find another way to get to you, taxi from train station or look at national express (really comfortable and cheap).

Maybe sit down with everyone and come up with a solution

You obviously don't understand ethnic families. We are very invested in family.

You are helping your brother at your DH’s expense. It’s one thing you doing a shop for him, taking him to appointments. Presumably you can do this around your responsibilities to your husband and children. But needing your mum to stay for three days, every two days, including driving 100miles each time to facilitate that, is too much. That means it takes you, your mum and your DH contributing to your brother’s upkeep. Presumably your children are involved too.

There’s nothing wrong with that per se. But if as the DH you didn’t sign up for it and don’t want it, you as the spouse don’t have a right to force him to accept the terms. You have to find another way. So it all your self. Ask DH to do some of the practical bits for your brother. Do online grocery shopping for him. Your mum can’t look after her son. Neither can you. Your brother can’t live independently. So maybe he shouldn’t.

Another team husband here. She's staying way too often and for too long. Both your mother and brother sound demanding to me. I would be careful about this turning into a permanent thing

Why don’t you visit her for the day every couple weeks and maybe a few times a year (birthdays Xmas etc ) she comes for the weekend.

i would t want anyone staying that often either. To you she’s a extension of your family to him she’s a person in his house.

How much you help your brother is on you.

My mum stays a week once or twice a year, but shes four hours away. 3 days for a hours journey every month is a lot. Cant you stay at hers?

What sort of time limit are we talking about here? It sounds like your DH has reached the end of his rope with this arrangement, has this been going on for a while? What sort of recovery are you hoping for? Will he always need family support?

If your brother is going to need indefinite support it would make more sense for your DM to move nearer rather than keep on transporting and hosting her at a cost to your own marriage.

I get on really well with my FIL and DH has a good relationship with my parents, but we’d both draw the line at having any of them stay in our house for six nights a month - it’s just far too intrusive.

Your DH basically has to spend every other weekend with his mother in law in his own home 🫣