Does your DH hate when family visit?

You know what, I don't think having her to stay for a few days a fortnight is a big ask when you have a spare room. It's not disruptive like having someone sleeping on the sofa would be. You've got DC, so you and DH weren't going to get any privacy anyway.
DH sounds as if he is the problem, tbh, objecting when you spend time with your brother. Is that because you're then not around to do whatever it is he wants you to do?
I'd carry on as you are, maybe get Mum to get the train at least sometimes, maybe take the kids and Mum and brother all out together eg picnic in the park so that DH isn't having to do all the weekend child care ( which I very much doubt is the case).

Was your mom just here this weekend? And now your bro is over visiting?

I completely see your DH's point. He is not going to be able to have quiet enjoyment of his home without your family either being there or a visit coming up. Your bro's mental health issues have disrupted his family for you haven't said how long.

You've made your choice.

Can you finance your home by yourself?

So we have a mil Friday - Monday EOW and it’s only Monday afternoon and the brothers there.

Im sure he will enjoy being kicked out.

You said it was only 20 minutes but presumably you intended for him to stay a lot longer. You might think that your brother’s MH issues are a short term thing but it reality they are probably not. Do you think this is fair on your children?

Well you seem to think it's OK to not take into account any of his feelings or opinions?

DB might have only been there 20 mins but for your DH, it probably feels like your family are never out the house. Unless there is a huge backstory I don’t understand how you can’t see this is unreasonable.

So you'd rather you had your brother staying with you than your children had their dad?

Are you going to keep expecting dh to fund you and your trailing around after your dm and db?

Yeah, I would not be happy with that kind of arrangement. And the frequency of her visits is increasing, not decreasing. It's gone from once a month to twice a month, what next? Every weekend? You move her in so you guys can take care of your brother while he parents the kids?

You're going to have to set some boundaries and there should be changes. Brother might need to be moved closer to your mom. Your mom might need to move closer to bro. But you're going to have to cut your mom's time staying in your home. It's going to come down to who are you going to prioritize, your bro and mom or your husband and kids.

The husband should not be expected to care for OP's bro, WTF. He's caring for his own family and working. He'd probably like some family time on weekends and take the kids somewhere, and shocker, have a date night.

I think the disconnect you and your husband have over how much time your mom is in your home and your caretaking could cost you your marriage.

Assuming he works Mon-Fri, this means your DP only has half of his weekends where he can relax around his own immediate family? I think that’s too much, and without a time limit. Why can’t her visits happen during the week ? If you work, can’t you just organise the visits to better protect family time at weekend? Your brother may prefer that re appointments anyway. But I can see it’s annoying DP isn’t helping you by wrangling the three kids for the driving at least.

I think OP is talking about the train station being 50 miles away. Everytime DM visits she has to drive to the station and bring DM back = 100 miles. The same trip in reverse when DM leaves takes you to 200 miles.

Mum is 71 she will only get the train to the nearest train station where she doesn’t have to change over which is 45 mins from me. So this is what we have been doing I don’t drive all the way to her.

Right, so you saying earlier that you are doing a 200mile round trip, just wasn't true ?

It is not OPs husband’s job to help with her brother or mother. If OP is helping with her brother/mother she is putting her kids second, especially when they have to go I. The car to collect her mother. Imagine every other weekend not being able to relax in your own home because you have visitors.

Never mind any of the rest of these passengers. OP you sound like you are carrying quite the load, and no one is really helping. Do you want to be spending your weekend doing all this driving every other week? Is anyone grateful?

What is the long term plan with your brother and how long has he been like this? Because if there's no improvement in sight, you're looking at spending your children's younger years away from them while you take a grown man shopping. Is that what you want, and is that what you think is best for them?

Agree the husband is probably not helping as much as he should but also that he does have grounds for feeling unhappy. My concern though is that OP risks ending up in the worst of all worlds, where she's using all her time running around after others, and they still aren't satisfied and she's not happy either. Something here has to change.

When an OP posts that her DH/DP regularly goes out without any thought for her, making her the default parent and just assuming she'll do it, posters are in agreement that he is BU.

OP while you're busy helping your mum and brother do you expect him to do all the parenting on those weekends without ever discussing it with him?

I have my PIL over every other Sunday for a roast dinner so they can see their grandsons and spend time with us. They usually come by around 3pm and leave around 8:30-9pm and we all have a lovely time. I see my parents twice a week, usually at their house as they are retired, I don't work and my husband WFH. My parents come over to mine maybe once a month as they help my sister out with school runs during the week.

It's lovely to spend to time with family but I think your mum staying over for 3 nights is excessive. Neither DH or I have our parents stay over the night, but they do all live locally so there is no need.

So your mum stays the whole weekend every other weekend.

I couldn’t have my mum or his mum that often. Hell one whole fri-mon would be far too much.

Weekends are the only time presumably that you get days together with your children but your husbands almost got a EOW deal with his mother in law moving in like separated parents only it’s in-laws. One week home one week there.

It would definitely be something I’d seriously considering leaving dh over or if not I’d be disappearing for those weekends entirely.

Children even adult children always revert and change their behaviour around their parents so I’ve no doubt you are a different person as such when mum moves in for the weekend.

This. Plus it's at the weekend so she is monopolising their family time.

Perhaps the husband is concerned about the OP being taken advantage of by her needy family and the impact this is having on them.

I wouldn’t have my MIL to stay for 6 days a month and I don’t think I’m abusive, controlling or trying to isolate my husband from his friends and family. I adore them, I just don’t want other people staying in my house for 6 days out of every month. That’s 20% of the time.

Your “d” h is abusive and controlling and trying to isolate you from your family is my view! Why can’t your mum come for a few days a month?!? God if my mum was still alive she’d have been moved into with my dh and I as she was my best friend and my kids would have loved having her to stay with us. Point out to your husband the main reason she’s coming is to help you because he isn’t!

The mother and brother here aren't elderly and are doing very little to help themselves, by doing so much OP is actually harming them in the long term as it keeps them dependent.

I didn't see the thread you refer to, but I assume the situation was different.

Maybe it was different people replying to the different threads? I have responded to this one but didn’t see the one yesterday. MN isn’t a hive mind and different people will (obviously) have different opinions.

MN is such a funny place.

Yesterday a poster started a thread asking what would happen as her parents and in laws got older and she and her husband don’t provide any help. She was told she was cold, a horrible person and a sociopath - "but they’re fAMiLy"

This thread oh no Op you’re being so unreasonable and helping waayy tooo much!

I wouldn't want to have the mother in law stay regularly either - certainly not for entire long weekends. It's difficult enough to find time to spend with one's significant other at the best of times, but having a Mother In Law staying multiple times a month is quite the imposition.

An hour long drive is nothing - doesn't really matter what the traffic situation is, if it's an hour long drive then it's really not onerous - and if she's that bothered she could drive during less busy times (early in the morning, later in the evening. Absolutely no need for her to be staying multiple days at a time. And if she really wants to then she can start staying at a hotel or AirBnB.

I totally understand where your DH is coming from - I wouldn't like it either. And, iI suspect, you wouldn't like it very much if you were in his shoes and had a mother in law saying with you for long periods of time every month.