Get to bed | Mumsnet

Butterflywings84 · 2025-06-29T20:25:14+00:00

I can’t quite believe I’m posting this as it seems so ridiculous but here goes. It’s 8:45. Im upstairs trying to get DD1 (age 2) to sleep who is struggling to settle. DH is downstairs with DD2 (age 7) playing on a computer game. DD2 has wet hair after her bath. I shout down its bedtime now and carry on trying to settle DD1. After another 10 mins and DD1 following me downstairs, I lose my temper and shout they both need to be in bed now. I take DD1 back up and DH tells DD2 to go to bed. I ask whether she’s had her hair dried and cleaned her teeth and he says no because I said she needs to go to bed. I said yes but obviously not with wet hair and he tells me I’m trying to gaslight him because I clearly said she needs to go to bed so that’s what he did. I tried to explain that she has her hair dried or brushed and cleans her teeth every night before bed so how can he not see that is what needed to happen first. But he won’t back down, and is convinced he is right and I am being unreasonable. AIBU?

Original poster

Butterflywings84 · 30/06/2025 14:14

Thanks all. He got up on his own. Have noticed he has done a couple of subtle bits to help that he wouldn’t normally have. We both apologised for the way we handled things last night and he has said he will try to help more if I feel unsupported. We have acknowledged we both need to work on our communication.

it’s the first time I have posted on here and I can honestly say it was really cathartic, helpful to see other opinions and also to feel supported too so thank you to those who took the time to contribute

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 30/06/2025 12:53

DappledThings · 29/06/2025 21:45

Yeah, that's why I'd take the edge of it if it was was winter. I don't know where OP is and how hot it is but my children are still wife awake now as they are so hot. I cant imagine blasting either of them with hot air just before trying to get them to go to bed would be in any way conducive to sleeping.

It's not neglectful to be going to bed with wet hair.

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Mine would be in a terrible tangle in the morning if I did that

And it's not comfortable

Theyreeatingthedogs · 30/06/2025 12:50

Has he got up yet?

Sweetpea59 · 30/06/2025 12:46

Wet hair can be excused on a hot night; but did he seriously think you meant put her to bed without brushing her teeth? Surely he can't be that dumb, or he's just lazy?

Yourethebeerthief · 30/06/2025 12:42

Butterflywings84 · 30/06/2025 09:06

You’re probably right. I am a control freak and he will only really do stuff if it suits him. Works fine until I reach breaking point and wonder why he’s not helping. I have tried recently to just ask him to do stuff rather than hoping he will take the initiative as a middle ground so rather than stewing about what he’s not doing I just ask if he can do it. Frustration just got the better of me last night. But that topped with his refusal to engage means it’s really hard to sort anything. I will try and speak to him later but his usual routine will be the silent treatment until we just slip into pretending nothing happened.

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I think you need to hone in on the absolute non-negotiables and have a very strict (but sparse) bedtime routine. Let go of whatever isn’t necessary, or let it be optional, and just agree on the set things that have to happen.

For me that’s really just put your pyjamas on, have one last pee, and brush your teeth. Everything else can come and go. A missed bath, a bedtime with hair a little damp rather than blow dried sometimes… it just doesn’t matter.

He can’t be a lazy sod who doesn’t fully chip in with bedtime and all the rest, but equally you need to relax about it all.

Original poster

Butterflywings84 · 30/06/2025 09:06

Yourethebeerthief · 30/06/2025 08:39

It sounds like there’s a lot of miscommunication and resentment going on. Did you have to cook that dinner? Could you have said “that’s going to take too long” and asked your husband to just fling together some tuna pasta instead and cook the dinner on another night?

When the routine has totally gone to shit, as it does sometimes, can you and husband agree to deal solely with each child separately and just leave the other one to it. You don’t need to shout down to him- just say “I’ll go sort the wee one, you put older child to bed” and leave them to it.

You have to let go of the control or you’ll give yourself an ulcer.

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You’re probably right. I am a control freak and he will only really do stuff if it suits him. Works fine until I reach breaking point and wonder why he’s not helping. I have tried recently to just ask him to do stuff rather than hoping he will take the initiative as a middle ground so rather than stewing about what he’s not doing I just ask if he can do it. Frustration just got the better of me last night. But that topped with his refusal to engage means it’s really hard to sort anything. I will try and speak to him later but his usual routine will be the silent treatment until we just slip into pretending nothing happened.

OP posts:

Swiftie1878 · 30/06/2025 08:53

DappledThings · 29/06/2025 21:41

What's wrong with wet hair? I never dry my hair regardless of what time of day I'm having a shower. In the depths of winter I'd part dry DD's but I've never got it totally dry and at this time of year I wouldn't bother at all.

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Going to bed with wet hair can damage your hair and scalp. Wet hair is more prone to breakage, and the dampness can breed bacteria and fungi, leading to scalp problems.

Yourethebeerthief · 30/06/2025 08:39

Butterflywings84 · 30/06/2025 08:29

i wasn’t putting her down at 8:45 - it was that time after I had been battling with getting her to sleep for over an hour. She had napped in the day (on DH’s watch) which then makes bedtime a nightmare so it was never going to be easy. We also ate late as the dinner he picked up took 85 mins to cook and that was left to me to put in when I got back at 5:30. So probably a build up of things yesterday as usually she is in bed by 7

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It sounds like there’s a lot of miscommunication and resentment going on. Did you have to cook that dinner? Could you have said “that’s going to take too long” and asked your husband to just fling together some tuna pasta instead and cook the dinner on another night?

When the routine has totally gone to shit, as it does sometimes, can you and husband agree to deal solely with each child separately and just leave the other one to it. You don’t need to shout down to him- just say “I’ll go sort the wee one, you put older child to bed” and leave them to it.

You have to let go of the control or you’ll give yourself an ulcer.

Original poster

Butterflywings84 · 30/06/2025 08:29

Yourethebeerthief · 30/06/2025 07:52

Your routine is shot to hell if you’re putting your 2 year old down at 8:45 and it sounds like you’re both ready to snap for any reason because you’re knackered, hot and bothered, and have no time to yourselves and to spend with each other after the kids are in bed.

Sit together today and agree a rock solid bedtime routine with 2 year old in bed no later than 7pm. Write it down and stick it on the fridge if you need to. Keep the routine simple. Don’t expect it to be communicated telepathically, just agree it and move on. The routine needs sorted regardless of this miscommunication.

i wasn’t putting her down at 8:45 - it was that time after I had been battling with getting her to sleep for over an hour. She had napped in the day (on DH’s watch) which then makes bedtime a nightmare so it was never going to be easy. We also ate late as the dinner he picked up took 85 mins to cook and that was left to me to put in when I got back at 5:30. So probably a build up of things yesterday as usually she is in bed by 7

OP posts:

Yourethebeerthief · 30/06/2025 07:52

Your routine is shot to hell if you’re putting your 2 year old down at 8:45 and it sounds like you’re both ready to snap for any reason because you’re knackered, hot and bothered, and have no time to yourselves and to spend with each other after the kids are in bed.

Sit together today and agree a rock solid bedtime routine with 2 year old in bed no later than 7pm. Write it down and stick it on the fridge if you need to. Keep the routine simple. Don’t expect it to be communicated telepathically, just agree it and move on. The routine needs sorted regardless of this miscommunication.

Original poster

Butterflywings84 · 30/06/2025 07:46

I’ve decided to take a step back from any control. So he is currently still sleeping while I run around and sort the kids out as I am refusing to give him the 30 “it’s time to get up” calls that I usually do every morning.

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 30/06/2025 07:29

Wet hair is not a problem. Teeth yes.

hes being unreasonable but so are you. He probably geeks everything had to be done your way when you say ( controlling). You probably think you do that otherwise he wouldn’t do anything,

you both need to sit down in the cold light of day and get these out into the open

Original poster

Butterflywings84 · 30/06/2025 07:25

SandyY2K · 29/06/2025 23:38

I think you should have been clearer tbh.

You said time for bed knowing her hair was wet. That should hand been done after he bath, because there wasn't enough time for it to dry naturally and your focus was on her getting to bed.

Her hair was left as she said can I dry it later and play with daddy while you sort the little one out. Fine with me. But when I’m stuck for an hour trying to sort the little one I just thought (or more hoped) DH might have taken the initiative. Instead I’m struggling with the little one knowing I still have to sort the eldest and time is ticking on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Butterflywings84 · 30/06/2025 07:22

SpendingTooMuchTimeHere · 29/06/2025 23:06

I can really empathise with you. I once asked my DC’s Dad if he could empty the washing machine. So he did just that and no more ie put the wet washing in a bag.
I don’t feel I should need to spell out the steps to a grown adult. Teeth brushing is important
so should happen irrespective of the time in my opinion.
Could you talk to him & explain that you need him to take some initiative & not just blindly follow what you say to the letter. To see for himself that it’s bedtime so he sorts that without you asking.

edited for a typo

Edited

This is why I ranted on here. He refused to engage after. This is why I bottle things up most of the time and just carry on regardless because if I do ever try to highlight a problem he refuses to see my point of view and just shuts down so I’m left fuming with no resolution.

OP posts:

Rosesanddaffs · 30/06/2025 07:15

@Butterflywings84 you are not being unreasonable, your husband needs to stick to the routine of bedtime rather than creating obstacles.

In your place, I’d be pissed off too xx

Original poster

Butterflywings84 · 30/06/2025 07:10

OneCraftyCritic · 29/06/2025 23:27

Isn't playing with the kids important? I think it matters a lot more than all the things you're talking about.

It is but not when it’s nearly 9pm on a school night. I’m just not sure when / if he would have even decided it’s bedtime if I hadn’t pointed out the time as he just assumes I will sort all that

OP posts:

Original poster

Butterflywings84 · 30/06/2025 07:08

LurkyMcLurkinson · 29/06/2025 21:55

You’re not unreasonable to be annoyed but if it’s a one off I’d let it go pretty swiftly and try and move on. If it forms a pattern of general incompetence though I can see how it would be a lot more annoying.

I think it’s more this. I feel like I do everything and unless I literally spell out what needs to happen it won’t get done. Maybe I was more annoyed that it’s evident how much I do that he can’t follow the usual bedtime routine and couldn’t think for himself and then blamed me for not being clear

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 29/06/2025 23:38

I think you should have been clearer tbh.

You said time for bed knowing her hair was wet. That should hand been done after he bath, because there wasn't enough time for it to dry naturally and your focus was on her getting to bed.

OneGiddyRubyViewer · 29/06/2025 23:33

Is he autistic? Some people that are follow instructions to the T even if they make no sense. If not sorry.

I have it and if my partner was in a temper and hadn’t specified to dry their hair etc I wouldn’t have

NoisesOn · 29/06/2025 23:32

He’s playing silly games and knows exactly what you meant.
Let it go then find your opportunity. Watch the penny drop.

OneCraftyCritic · 29/06/2025 23:27

Isn't playing with the kids important? I think it matters a lot more than all the things you're talking about.

SpendingTooMuchTimeHere · 29/06/2025 23:06

I can really empathise with you. I once asked my DC’s Dad if he could empty the washing machine. So he did just that and no more ie put the wet washing in a bag.
I don’t feel I should need to spell out the steps to a grown adult. Teeth brushing is important
so should happen irrespective of the time in my opinion.
Could you talk to him & explain that you need him to take some initiative & not just blindly follow what you say to the letter. To see for himself that it’s bedtime so he sorts that without you asking.

edited for a typo

LimitedBrightSpots · 29/06/2025 22:32

Next weekend, just go out for a walk at bedtime and come back when they're both asleep.

Eldermileniummam · 29/06/2025 22:01

It's a problem if this sort of thing happens a lot ie he does something out of the norm for your family or isn't pulling his weight and blames you but otherwise no.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 29/06/2025 21:55

You’re not unreasonable to be annoyed but if it’s a one off I’d let it go pretty swiftly and try and move on. If it forms a pattern of general incompetence though I can see how it would be a lot more annoying.