To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

God this thread has made me so sad. Especially because in another thread OP said they’re doing split nights, so this man is in sole charge of this poor little baby for hours unsupervised with no other awake adult in the house every day.

I am not sure I agree that a baby being carried by its arms will be fine.

Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re going this OP. You must be absolutely exhausted. I want to say really clearly that you are not the problem here. Yes, anxiety can be a significant part of the newborn phase but that’s not something to belittle or judge as a partner. Your body is literally hard wired to protect your baby so although you may be more alert to risk (like the gross dishcloth) it isn’t wrong to feel worried or wrong to point things out. You are being an excellent mum in those moments.

To be honest, your husband’s ability to be a good parent is always going to be limited if he has an inability to take criticism, listen to you or adapt to your child’s needs. It is important to note that your worries and opinions are based on science. It sounds like for the most part you have read or heard something that informs your worries. On the flip side, his opinions are just defending his very fragile ego. You can tell us all he’s intelligent but clever people don’t dismiss doctors, experts, or people who know better. You know better than he does. You have identified danger to your child and what’s stopping you is your husband’s reaction to feedback. Your daughter’s safety cannot be second to your husband’s feelings. You are her protector. I really strongly suggest you take the power back. It’ll feel scary but your daughter needs you to be strong. If your husband does something unsafe, like the arm thing, tell him you need him to stop. If he says no or belittles you, tell him that her safety matters more than his ego. Tell him that if he can show her any info that says that’s safe, you’ll leave it. Tell him that in this matter, you know more than him and he’s just embarrassing himself but standing by these things. It sounds harsh but you need to give him a huge shove back down to earth. He’s clever, maybe, but that doesn’t make you a good dad.

This man has convinced you you are so much less than you are. You have literally grown a whole human being. You are so strong. You need to use that same strength to protect your daughter. If you don’t, you could be explaining stuff like this to a dr one day (e.g how did she break her wrist?) and they won’t hesitate for a moment to investigate his behaviour/actions. In some ways, it’s only going to get harder as your husband begins to fight your daughters developing independence and personality. Don’t let your daughter be smaller and hide herself like you have been made to do. It’ll change who she is forever. Model strength. You are 100% capable of fighting back and the discomfort your husband feels is so so much better than the potential pain your daughter may feel.

I know mumsnet can be the last place to feel supported sometimes but a lot of women on here can help you feel empowered. Please stay on here and use the community to keep protecting your baby. If it helps, check in when something feels off and we can help you work out what is a ‘leave him to it’ issue vs a ‘time to stand up and fight’ moment. You’ll notice that you probably already know in your gut when serious but we can help you feel empowered. Just please pick your daughter’s safety over your husband’s immaturity every time.

Wild stab in the dark here, but does everything centre around DH?

Any issue or problem is turned into how it effects him, how it made him feel?

Is he concerned about what other people think? Does he expect you to change your behaviour so as not to be thought of badly by others?

What is his reaction if you go against what he has said or maybe challenge him in front of others?

When you’re out, does he walk in front of you?

Do you feel you’re always chasing yourself trying to keep him happy?

Are you the same person you were before you got married? Do you recognise the person you are now?

Did his behaviour get worse once DC was born?

What kind of pets does he have? Did you have any concerns about his pets being near the baby and what was his reaction to your concerns?

He doesn’t handle criticism well. He is arrogant. Makes out he’s very intelligent. Won’t tolerate being told what to do. Anything else?

It’s just not normal to have to ‘call out’ issues constantly. Or if you are saying what to do it shouldn’t feel like, or be received as, ‘calling out’.

I’ve asked my husband to do certain things with babies/ toddler and he’s always receptive.

He’s the more cautious one of us, but when I’ve said ‘she’s ok let her do X’ if he’s not comfortable it’s totally fine for him to stop her (for example, I let her climb a lot and he worries she’ll fall, so I say ‘she’s fine, but get her if you want’ and he will. So with the dish cloth, the normal reaction would be ‘dish cloth is fine! But I’ll use a musliN next time if you prefer’ or ‘it’s fine to move him with his hands, ill support his neck if it makes you comfortable’ or even have a google.

if it was me I’d be taking a video either secretly or warn him - ‘if you’re so sure it’s fine, I’ll take a video to show the HV’.

OP - please read this post again.

This behaviour escalates.

He has already conditioned you not to speak up. He takes no responsibility for his dangerous behaviour and minimises the risk of his actions. This means he will not anticipate potential harm as everything he does is fine in his eyes. if he dislocated you DC’s arm it will be because he wriggled too much, if he bangs his head off the wall etc it will be because DC moved the wrong way. Shuts his hand in the door…he should have moved it.

Posters with experience with people like your husband can predict how this is going to end and that will involve your DC being injured.

He’s doing it to show OP he can do what he wants. He’s asserting his dominance by doing exactly what he pleases.

He is also doing it because he is abusive.

Good men do not do things like this. He is deliberately doing dangerous things with his newborn son and then scolding OP for being nanny-pamby/soft/spoiling a baby when she speaks up. Her instincts are yelling at her to protect her baby but because he’s manipulated her into thinking she’s the problem and trained her not to cross him (we don’t know how ie if he becomes physically violent or just verbally with the threat of physical violence) she has stopped voicing her concerns.

So far we know he picks a newborn up by their wrists, laughs while tapping his soft spot after being told it was dangerous, regularly squeezes water over baby’s face while bathing, left him on his own in a dark room for 20 mins crying his heart out until he was sick, refused to put a blanket on him when he was a few weeks old at 10pm…I may have forgotten a few things.

OP seems to think she can mention these things to him and he’ll change. He will not. There have been too many things in 12 weeks for him not to be aware of how to care for a baby. At this point, it would be better if he was a useless dad who didn’t do anything with the baby. At least that way he wouldn’t be risking leaving him to come or dislocating his arm.

OP - PLEASE speak to someone today. You can’t change him because he doesn’t want to change because in his eyes he’s not doing anything wrong. You just said he never thinks he’s wrong. Why will he change his mind??

No, you are having issues because he is abusive.

Just because someone is intelligent doesn’t mean they’re right.

What is your basis for saying he’s got a high IQ? Did he tell you that? Do you think he’s noticeably more intelligent than other people know? Would you say you’re intelligent? How do you compare to each other?

@namechangesafe Professionally I've seen men like this with and their behaviours escalate to horrendous things like nipping/pinching the baby, covering baby's face, painful restraining, holding under bath water and biting. Some of these infants have ended up dead.
It normally starts with incidents like the ones you've described (propping bottle and choking risks, pulling babies' arms, leaving to cry until sick with no soothing etc) that can first be seen as accidental/ambiguous.

These behaviours escalate and your child is in danger.

I don’t understand why he has lifted baby up by the arms anyway as it’s such an awkward and dangerous thing to do
I don’t have children and even I know not to do that so WHY is he doing it?!

To add I really empathise with you as a new mother, the hormones are dreadful and you feel like you're going crazy at times, your mind isn't your own. When I went through it my husband was such a steady support, and although we tiffed more than we ever did before as we were tired and had a new baby to deal with with a dairy allergy and who wouldn't sleep in a cot, we were eachothers support and respite from the stress.

It's really sad that your husband is critical of you and your parenting at a time when your brain is so overwhelmed and youre more likely to swcond guess yourself, when you need support most. Does he not know what you've been through physically by giving birth?

Jeez op. Wake up. Listen to what people are saying.

It’s serious. Your husband is abusing your baby.

Please talk to your HV and ask for their help to get your child away from this disgusting piece of shit man.

This man isn't safe to parent a baby. He sounds toxic, with stupid ideas of machismo he's applying to the baby. A baby cant be soft, all they need is love, affection, safety and sustenance. If anyone of those is withheld in the interests of "not making a baby soft" then that's a form of abuse. He's applying adult logic to a tiny baby who looks to you both for everything right now. Please protect your baby. Its not long ago that my son was a baby so excuse the emotive language but this is just so painful to read as a fellow mother, it hurts as it should.

Is there anyone you can reach out to? Do you plan to stay with this man?

Ah must have been another poster I'm thinking of with a dickhead for a husband then, apologies.

Its not good that you are doubting yourself so much.

This is a really vulnerable time for you op.

I do agree that your baby needs to come before your husbands arrogance and ego but I also think you should chat to someone about how you're feeling and what's going on in your marriage. It sounds like an unhealthy relationship (his behaviour).

My ex H always knew best too. 🙄It's very wearing.

I would be more worried about the arms. It's putting unnecessary strain on the arm sockets, back and neck.. How would he like it if someone giant size came along and lifted HIM by the arms?

I completely understand your predicament @namechangesafe and I think some posters are ignoring how vulnerable and unsure you feel at the moment. I repeat - if it feels wrong and too rough, it is. Don’t be railroaded and forced to go against your instinct. He has to be told that no, he must not treat your child like that. You have to take charge here. Find a strong voice and get backing from anyone that can help you get your point across (HV, family). He is NOT right. I’ve seen exactly this kind of stupidity before. DO NOT allow him to ride roughshod over your maternal instincts. He is wrong.

He didn't even pat it, he slapped baby's head so hard, she heard it from another room.

Who pats a soft spot? What possible reason is there to do that?

He's abusive

You're making excuses

You'll end up on the news and we'll all be devastated that no one got through to you

I give up.