Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

433 replies

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:16

NC I don’t want this post linked to others.

Just had a bit of a disagreement with DH and wondering if I’m being unreasonable here.

Our baby, three months old, was sick down his chin and on his bouncer and DH grabbed the dishcloth that was sitting by the kitchen sink to wipe it from baby’s face and mouth. I said “are you really using a dishcloth?” and he said yes. When I asked would he use one on his own face, he said yes he’d use it on his own face (so what’s the problem, in other words).

The cloth was taken from our washing up bowl, and the cloths I had recently bleached yesterday. It was a microfibre cloth and DH uses these cloths to wipe up mess from the floor, we use them to wipe the sides and wash dishes.

AIBU or am I being a bit too precious about this?

Another example, he often picks baby up by both arms, did it this morning to take him out the bath and carry him two metres across the room and he keeps doing it, just another example of things he does that I don’t agree with.

Whenever I point things out to him he instead gets defensive and says “don’t tell me how to parent DC.” When he points things out to me I change what I’m doing, because my goal is just to want the best for DC but he thinks my safety concerns are silly and trying to wrap him in cotton wool.

Generally we are struggling with our newborn to be on the same page with safety concerns and I’m feeling very stuck and isolated as he will not respect my wishes when I call things out.

I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 30/06/2025 21:18

I'd be very relaxed if this was grabbed in haste

daisychain01 · 30/06/2025 21:15

PeapodMcgee · 29/06/2025 23:18

She's just said it is her, yes.

I hope Mumsnet can trace OP's home address via her IP and the police, for this child abuse.

Edited

It is definitely a safeguarding issue.

hannahbanana93 · 30/06/2025 21:07

If this is the same poster whos husband left their newborn to cry themselves sick, who touched their tender spot on purpose and who generally is a shit shit shit parent. You should leave. For your son. Because when your husband actually injures him you will be to blame too.

GreatFish · 30/06/2025 21:04

If your baby ends up with pulled elbow especially at a young age you will have social services intervening and possibly have your baby taken into care.(no exaggerating).Show dh an illustration of this the silly man.

Lolapusht · 30/06/2025 20:57

OP, this isn’t a win.

Things haven’t resolved themselves and he isn’t learning. He just decided in that moment not to challenge you.

I’ve just read through your other threads and they are a litany of this man ignoring you, putting you down, controlling you and generally making the first 3 months of your baby’s life a misery.

This isn’t just a case of differing opinions on child care, your DH doesn’t care about your opinion and is going to continue doing dangerous things with your child.

Is one of you seriously feeding on demand and the other is doing scheduled feeds?

Babies that young cry because that’s the only way they communicate. It’s up to the adults in their life to to work out why they’re crying. Ignoring the crying is essentially ignoring what your child is saying. Babies that age are incapable of manipulating you into doing things. They’re not crying because they’re devious and making you bend to their whim. Your DC isn’t taking the piss and doesn’t need to be taught not to be naughty which is effectively what your DH thinks.

Everything in your posts shouts that your DH is the most important member of your family. Everything revolves around him. You’re worried about his relationship with your mum and want to fix it, he’s decided your DC isn’t going to be into football, he thinks you dress him in too many clothes, he thinks feeding DC flat is fine. It goes on and on. Every single issue you have is batted off because he’s ND or intelligent. You said in one of your posts that he won’t listen to anything other than facts. That’s not exactly true, is it? He’ll only listen to facts he agrees with. Feeding a baby lying down hugely increases the chances of them choking. That’s all he needs to know. Touching a baby’s soft spot is bloody dangerous. He shouldn’t need to be told that, but when you did he laughed while doing it again. He didn’t listen to that fact, did he? The water in the bath? Do you have to produce a PowerPoint as to why it’s not a good idea to pour water over a baby’s face? The dishwasher he didn’t want to get? Do you know what I think the reason is he waited for the bottles and didn’t stop it (there is no dishwasher you can’t safely interrupt mid-cycle)? You wanted the dishwasher, you put the bottles in the dishwasher so he was going to let the cycle finish as that’s what you wanted. You wanted the dishwasher so he was going to use it. He was being spiteful at the expense of your child. He wasn’t using the dishwasher and was still hand-washing things so why couldn’t he have taken those out and washed them by hand? Because he was proving a point in a very vindictive way.

What’s his ND?

Whatever it is, I’ll bet being an abusive a-hole isn’t one of the symptoms.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/06/2025 20:49

user1491676838 · 30/06/2025 20:38

My dh works for the emergency services and we work out our child care according to his shifts. I work ft too and 8 times of 10 do the school run. Today I fucked up thinking it was his day to take our dc to school so I got ready as usual, got the dc up and ready and he was still in bed. I went to tell him it was time to get up and went to work. Doorbell camera went off this afternoon and when I checked it, noticed his car on the drive and then it dawned on me, I'd got his bloody shift wrong 😖. When I got home, the first thing I did was to apologise for getting him up and said I'd got his shift wrong. He said 'oh, I thought you were just being fucking selfish'. Seriously, I'm so upset bc for 20 years I've put him first, tiptoeing round the house, changing mealtimes, keeping the kids quiet and working around his shifts bc I understand how damn hard they are. Am I being over sensitive?

You need to start a new thread, not post on someone else’s.

user1491676838 · 30/06/2025 20:38

My dh works for the emergency services and we work out our child care according to his shifts. I work ft too and 8 times of 10 do the school run. Today I fucked up thinking it was his day to take our dc to school so I got ready as usual, got the dc up and ready and he was still in bed. I went to tell him it was time to get up and went to work. Doorbell camera went off this afternoon and when I checked it, noticed his car on the drive and then it dawned on me, I'd got his bloody shift wrong 😖. When I got home, the first thing I did was to apologise for getting him up and said I'd got his shift wrong. He said 'oh, I thought you were just being fucking selfish'. Seriously, I'm so upset bc for 20 years I've put him first, tiptoeing round the house, changing mealtimes, keeping the kids quiet and working around his shifts bc I understand how damn hard they are. Am I being over sensitive?

Away2000 · 30/06/2025 20:38

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:28

@PeapodMcgeei actually haven’t said anything about the lifting arms thing and I’m trying hard to pick my battles. I clearly chose the wrong battle, but at the moment I’m hormonal and just not always thinking straight.

I’ve felt uncomfortable with the lifting thing but am too worried to say anything because as another poster said if I keep chipping away it is going to mean I’m doing it alone.

but I also am struggling to keep silent.

I’ve said to him why can’t we just be one the same team rather than against each other he says because he feels things I point out are often not safety issues and are illogical

The lifting by the arms would be far more a concern to me than the dishcloth. It can cause dislocations and nerve damage. The baby is way too young to be handled like that.

MrsDuskTilldawn2point0 · 30/06/2025 20:37

I’m sorry if this is insensitive but if something happens to your baby it almost feels like you’ll be complicit in it. Your instincts are telling you constantly, repeatedly - and gut feelings are powerful - that he’s not treating your baby right. And you allow it. By walking on eggshells, by appeasing that idiot, by literally putting him before protecting a newborn. You may be hormonal, worn down by how he’s treated you probably way before you had the baby, but OMG now’s the time to find your backbone. Or if that’s too hard phone women’s aid, SS, your GP, any or all of them to share the load.

Marosanne · 30/06/2025 20:35

None of this is ok. Seems likely he might escalate this behaviour in future to prove his power further. Pulling a baby up by his hands could injure your child. It's not a loving or caring way to treat a young child and he's putting his determination to best you over his child's welfare. Red flags everywhere.

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 20:33

I today decided to bring up the arm lifting issue with my husband today. I started by saying my I’m glad you just picked him up under his arms instead of by his wrists/arms like you did yesterday because it’s dangerous. Initially he gave me “that look” (eye roll) like “here we go again” when I started to speak. But I said I saw something online about a doctor seeing dislocations from lifting babies by arms frequently.

His whole demeanor changed. He said “oh blimey, I ought to not do it then” and seemed genuinely concerned and receptive. When I asked why he rolled his eyes, he said he didn’t, but he didn’t get confrontational about it which was different from usual.

The social media framing completely bypassed his defensiveness and let him actually hear the safety information. He was able to take it in when it didn’t feel like personal criticism.

I know I shouldn’t have to use strategic communication techniques just to share basic infant safety information with my baby’s father, but this still feels like progress. He showed he is capable of listening and caring about safety when his defenses aren’t up.

I’m not suddenly saying everything is perfect - we have a LOT of dysfunctional relationship dynamics to work on. But seeing that he can actually receive safety information and respond appropriately when it’s framed right gives me a tiny bit of hope that not everything has to be a battle.

Small win in what’s been a very difficult situation. At least I know the information got through and he seemed to genuinely understand the concern.

OP posts:
Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 30/06/2025 20:28

Imo you need to seek a GP appointment.. Tell him it's women's problems... Tell your GP you have concerns about the safety of your dc... One day your dc will absolutely come to harm and I fear you will be blamed... You need to have it documented he is a possible danger.. I do fear for your baby's wellbeing..

pineapplesundae · 30/06/2025 20:23

You really need to put a stop to DH carrying baby by the arms or hands. It can cause serious injuries.

Lunarises · 30/06/2025 20:22

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/06/2025 20:17

Not joking. This is possible.

I didn't read it all so that's my bad

Nanatobethatsme46 · 30/06/2025 20:18

Take your baby to the hospital. My daughter age 2 was on a shopping trip with us ( food shopping) many years ago , she went to run infront of someones trolly and my partner grabbed her arm to guide her out the way and that small move not even deliberate pulled her elbow out of joint. We took her to a&e straight away and they popped it back in and said it is common and will keep happening which it did a few times we had to be very careful but honeslty he felt dreadful!!!! This poor 3 month old baby boy being picked up by his arms on a regular basis certainly may have joints that have come out pf place and os probably in alot of pain :( he needs to be seen and his dad needs a parenting course at the very least
Protect your innocent baby not your heavy handed husband

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/06/2025 20:17

Lunarises · 30/06/2025 20:16

Your joking right?

Not joking. This is possible.

Lunarises · 30/06/2025 20:16

PeapodMcgee · 29/06/2025 21:23

If / when your baby becomes injured, you will be expected (by social services) to safeguard your baby from him.

I would take baby to GP or A&E to check for fractures. Awfully common when living with such a man, I'm afraid.

Edited

Your joking right?

Longyitudeed · 30/06/2025 20:12

He's abusive.
Abusing the baby in front of you and daring you to correct.

That poor baby.
I hope to god someone realises what is going on and reports this to SS.

So many examples and yet you defend him.

You should be packing a bag, going to your parents and tell them the truth.

Put your baby first, ahead of his abusive father.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/06/2025 20:05

Lolapusht · 30/06/2025 18:08

…and have you said ‘stop it. He doesn’t like it…” or something similar?

What was his response?

What did he do that your mum was concerned about?

I think that was too do with feeding the baby lying flat on his back.

ChampagneLassie · 30/06/2025 19:49

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:30

@LoztWorldyes by the hands so he is dangling

This is really concerning. I’d self refer to social services and get them involved. He might listen up sharpish! It sounds like the transition to to parenting is proving a bit of a battle ground. I really don’t want your baby to get hurt xx

NotSmallButFunSize · 30/06/2025 19:46

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:20

Because it’s a baby and hence why bottles are sterilised etc, it’s different for my own dishes because my immune system is much stronger @Wolfpa

Bottles are sterilised to kill bacteria from the milk residue not because babies can't be exposed to germs.

Anyway, I agree with PPs that it's grim to use a cloth on the floor and dishes so I definitely wouldn't use YOUR cloths on the baby - in the main though can't see a problem with it and used to do it with my babies.

JayJayj · 30/06/2025 19:42

I think he is coming across as abusive. You shouldn’t feel like you are walking on eggshells around him. You definitely should able to have a conversation about the safety of your baby without it being an argument.

He is refusing to take accountability for his actions by blaming it on your hormones.

You sound like you do have PPD/PPA which does make everything feel worse. (I know I’m still struggling nearly 3 years on)

Im sure there will be an article or YouTube video about holding babies by arms. It can cause joints to come out of sockets. It’s just a lazy way to pick them up.

I know it’s hard but try not to blame yourself. It’s not your fault you’d husband is a dickhead.

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 30/06/2025 18:55

When I was a few months old (1983) and my mum went out for a bit…. My dad couldn’t face putting a safety pin in my terry nappy!! So, his ingenious idea was to use sellotape!! He wrapped it all over my nappy and I was good and waterproof for a fair few hours!!!! Then, to ice the cake. When I was 2 and she was at work, he told me to get off the floor or he’d hoover me up. Lo and behold an accident involving an old fashioned hoover occurred and resulted in two broken fingers and a very very angry mummy!!! He’s the best dad in the world though and these stories get brought up at every single family do…. Laugh about it and move on x

cheziebabe · 30/06/2025 18:23

men who dismissed your opinion will accept someone else's that they respect more. so get district nurses opinion and/or look it up on Google and show him "oh look what I've just come across".
get some wet wipes for babies and have by baby although he won't listen to you now he likes affecting you.

Namechangean · 30/06/2025 18:20

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 18:06

@2025ismybestyearhe’s not trying to drown him I never claimed that. He uses the flannel and squeezes it above his head, I’ve seen this maybe four or five times happen.

I imagine that if everything you’re saying is true, that you’re feeling a level of cognitive dissonance right now. You’re being told that your gut feelings about his actions are correct and that he’s abusive to you and your son, while also thinking we don’t know him, he’s not an abuser, he doesn’t mean any harm.

I just plead with you to talk to someone like your mum who does know him and can maybe talk some sense in to you. It sounds like he’s done a number on you and I think everyone’s concern is legitimate, even if it might not be as bad when you’re the one living it