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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

433 replies

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:16

NC I don’t want this post linked to others.

Just had a bit of a disagreement with DH and wondering if I’m being unreasonable here.

Our baby, three months old, was sick down his chin and on his bouncer and DH grabbed the dishcloth that was sitting by the kitchen sink to wipe it from baby’s face and mouth. I said “are you really using a dishcloth?” and he said yes. When I asked would he use one on his own face, he said yes he’d use it on his own face (so what’s the problem, in other words).

The cloth was taken from our washing up bowl, and the cloths I had recently bleached yesterday. It was a microfibre cloth and DH uses these cloths to wipe up mess from the floor, we use them to wipe the sides and wash dishes.

AIBU or am I being a bit too precious about this?

Another example, he often picks baby up by both arms, did it this morning to take him out the bath and carry him two metres across the room and he keeps doing it, just another example of things he does that I don’t agree with.

Whenever I point things out to him he instead gets defensive and says “don’t tell me how to parent DC.” When he points things out to me I change what I’m doing, because my goal is just to want the best for DC but he thinks my safety concerns are silly and trying to wrap him in cotton wool.

Generally we are struggling with our newborn to be on the same page with safety concerns and I’m feeling very stuck and isolated as he will not respect my wishes when I call things out.

I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
AJLOAL · 01/07/2025 16:49

I wonder if this is a cultural thing?

AJLOAL · 01/07/2025 16:22

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:30

@LoztWorldyes by the hands so he is dangling

OMG!! Your baby is 3 months old! If I saw this I'd report him!

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/07/2025 15:48

namechangesafe · 01/07/2025 14:15

Please can recent posters read my last post.

i have told him lifting by the arms is dangerous, he has said he will not do it again and was genuine about it.

He admitted he was not aware it could case dislocations and if that’s the case he needs to be careful.

and the other things?

croydon15 · 01/07/2025 15:36

OP you say that he's highly intelligent but he obviously has no common sense,.anyone would know that you don't carry a baby by his hands/arms, you are supposed to support a little baby's head neither would you feed him lay down,.just common sense, poor baby being abused in such ways by a supposed caring intelligent man.

Lolapusht · 01/07/2025 14:57

namechangesafe · 01/07/2025 14:15

Please can recent posters read my last post.

i have told him lifting by the arms is dangerous, he has said he will not do it again and was genuine about it.

He admitted he was not aware it could case dislocations and if that’s the case he needs to be careful.

Great news!

As he seems to be listening to what you say, why not mention everything else? Get him to agree to not pouring water over his face in the bath, not leaving him to cry in the dark, not feeding him lying down, agreeing to let your DC play football if they want to, not sending DC to nursery, not using the dish cloth to wipe DC’s face.

How have things been since you spoke to him?

LittleLilac · 01/07/2025 14:31

namechangesafe · 01/07/2025 14:15

Please can recent posters read my last post.

i have told him lifting by the arms is dangerous, he has said he will not do it again and was genuine about it.

He admitted he was not aware it could case dislocations and if that’s the case he needs to be careful.

I’ve read all your posts.

He’s dangled your newborn by the arms
Touched their soft spot repeatedly and laughed
Left a newborn alone screaming in a dark room so much they were sick while he messed around with a coffee machine
Feeds them laying down when they clearly have a reflux issue with all your mention of sick and spit up
Refused to put a blanket on them when outside in the cold
Repeatedly rung a wet cloth over them, drenching them and causing them to blink water
Used a dirty dishcloth on their face that you use to clean dishes and wipe the floors when you live with pets

This is not learning to parent, it is neglect and child abuse. No one should have to be told not to do any of these things, it should be basic parent instinct. Wake up and help your child. These are all the things he does infront of you. What is he doing to them when you are not there. Please tell someone, your mother, the HV, a GP. Do not leave your poor baby with this man. You are their mother, your instincts are telling you this is all wrong and that is why you are making all these posts. Do something about it and protect your baby

anytipswelcome · 01/07/2025 14:21

Would you be open to calling your health visitor OP and asking them to come and visit you as you want some advice? You don’t need to be more specific than that and you can just tell your husband it’s a routine appt everyone has. Organise it for when he will be out and open up to her - do you feel like that’s something you can do? I think it would really help and be in your baby’s best interests too.

Costacoffeeplease · 01/07/2025 14:20

Why does he need to be told that lifting a baby by its hands/arms could cause serious problems? Surely that’s obvious to anyone without learning difficulties?

namechangesafe · 01/07/2025 14:15

Please can recent posters read my last post.

i have told him lifting by the arms is dangerous, he has said he will not do it again and was genuine about it.

He admitted he was not aware it could case dislocations and if that’s the case he needs to be careful.

OP posts:
Emonade · 01/07/2025 12:12

BlueSeagull · 01/07/2025 11:58

I fear this situation is going to end in a headline, @namechangesafe you are making excuses. Once again people will ask how was this allowed to happen. You need to not only help your baby but help yourself get away from this situation.

Me too, has anyone else reported the post?

BlueSeagull · 01/07/2025 11:58

I fear this situation is going to end in a headline, @namechangesafe you are making excuses. Once again people will ask how was this allowed to happen. You need to not only help your baby but help yourself get away from this situation.

ForJollyLemonZebra · 01/07/2025 11:51

Your disgusting to let this go on....see it for what it and tell someone

croydon15 · 01/07/2025 08:59

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:32

I feel so angry inside when he picks him up by hands, how uncomfortable it must be for him but I don’t say anything to not make these marital issues we are having any worse.

He is abusive to your DS and you say nothing to keep the peace, put your baby first before serious harm is done to him.
Ignorance is no defence, don't let him handle your baby, you need to speak to a SW to give him advice or go with him to parenting class.

Wannabegreenfingers · 01/07/2025 08:33

The arms thing is dangerous and needs to be stopped immediately. I'm surprised your battle is over a dishcloth rather than this.

The dishcloth I couldn't get bother at. They will put much worse things in/around their mouths once mobile. My eldest once got hold of a flip flop and was merrily chewing away on it!

tuvamoodyson · 01/07/2025 08:33

Cynic17 · 29/06/2025 22:10

I guarantee that every single one of us will have had our faces scrubbed with a dishcloth when we were babies - especially in a moment of "crisis" 😂 We all survived - it's really not a big deal.

My mother used to spit into her hankie and wipe my face! Mind you, that was very many years ago!! However, I’d be very concerned about how he’s lifting the baby! 🙈🙈 but I’d also not be washing dishes with the floor cloth either…

ForJollyLemonZebra · 01/07/2025 08:15

Don't think youre listening cos you're not doing anything....!! Tell someone !!

GentleJadeOP · 01/07/2025 08:14

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 12:51

For some reason our health visitor doesn’t come anymore @Y2ker

Ring the health visitor and request a visit x

GentleJadeOP · 01/07/2025 08:06

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:30

@LoztWorldyes by the hands so he is dangling

That’s not good. The dishcloth thing I would ignore but lifting by the arms is not safe x

Lolapusht · 01/07/2025 07:55

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/06/2025 22:59

The fact that he is so calm and doesn’t think these things are an issue makes him sound like a total psychopath quite frankly. If what you say is true then he is totally incapable of basic empathy with a baby. You can’t teach him that as it’s deep rooted. What if the baby broke his neck when he lifted him by the arms? What if the baby choked on his food and died? Would you still be excusing him?

Edited

My money’s on a really nasty narcissist.

Baby has come along and taken the focus off him so he’s not happy.

Narc rages, sensitive to criticism, negging, inflated opinion of himself, concerned about what other people think extended to how people view OP, world revolves around, lacking empathy.

Either that or he is just a psychopath.

JayJayj · 01/07/2025 03:12

I’ve reread your post again. I’ve not been able to stop thinking about you.

You said you write things down because he distorts reality for you.

You can’t have a rational conversation about anything because he gets defensive and argues that you are the problem.

Blames you for 90% of the issues

Marriage counselling won’t work because abusers use this and know how to twist it.

If you won’t tell your family (and I really really encourage you to do so) call the health visitor when he isn’t around and ask to schedule an appointment for when he isn’t there. Please explain things to them. They should have numbers and advice as to who can help.

I know you don’t want to admit it but you are in an abusive relationship. Just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean it’s not. I know it’s scary especially with having such a young baby but you need to protect yourself and your son from this man.

Oxo01 · 01/07/2025 00:57

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:49

@loobyloo1979i am totally listening! What makes you think I’m not?!

trust me I am and I’m just confused, and in a mess right now

Sorry but your baby will be in more of a mess if you dont do something about his dangerous ways.

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/07/2025 00:27

TicklishSheep · 01/07/2025 00:24

Jesus, who gives a shit what he thinks?? The fact is, the things he is doing ARE safety concerns.

Why are you not taking this more seriously? Why are you standing by watching your tiny baby being treated like this? Do something about it ffs! Stop leaving the baby unsupervised with your H. Tell your mother what’s been happening at the very least. Tell your GP and your health visitor (make an appointment - stop being so passive). Sign both of you up to parenting classes. Even just start doing some reading online about parenting and how to care for a baby or follow some legitimate accounts on Instagram to educate yourselves. Just do something other than meekly asking him not to do one outrageous thing that a two year old would know is inappropriate.

I’m sitting here with my older baby and I just can’t fathom behaving like this. Your posts are horrifying.

Exactly.

Mine would've been told to get the fuck away from my baby and out of my life the very first time he picked him up using his arms.

TicklishSheep · 01/07/2025 00:24

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 22:09

I am listening though? He isn’t feeding the baby to choke him on purpose and he genuinely thinks I’m over protective and it’s fine to do these things.

please trust me in this, I am living this situation. I’m not saying ignorance makes it acceptable but he genuinely does NOT think some of these things are safety issues.

Jesus, who gives a shit what he thinks?? The fact is, the things he is doing ARE safety concerns.

Why are you not taking this more seriously? Why are you standing by watching your tiny baby being treated like this? Do something about it ffs! Stop leaving the baby unsupervised with your H. Tell your mother what’s been happening at the very least. Tell your GP and your health visitor (make an appointment - stop being so passive). Sign both of you up to parenting classes. Even just start doing some reading online about parenting and how to care for a baby or follow some legitimate accounts on Instagram to educate yourselves. Just do something other than meekly asking him not to do one outrageous thing that a two year old would know is inappropriate.

I’m sitting here with my older baby and I just can’t fathom behaving like this. Your posts are horrifying.

LittleLilac · 30/06/2025 23:24

Makes my heart ache that a poor baby is being treated this way and the person who is meant to protect them is more concerned about keeping the peace with a piece of shit.

You know all this is wrong and I bet there’s much worse you haven’t shared. You say he’s a good dad and your son smiles at him, he’s a baby he doesn’t know he’s being abused.

This is not a difference in parenting style. He knows all these things are wrong, he’s doing it because he doesn’t give a shit about causing harm to a baby.

Yes the fourth trimester is the worse, you got hormones everywhere. But it’s not about picking battles and keeping the peace. It’s about making sure the tiny baby who cannot take care of himself is looked after. If you don’t leave this man you don’t deserve to call yourself a mother.

Hulabalu · 30/06/2025 23:21

I am glad he listened to you on the arms thing. but you shouldn’t have had to agonise over and frame it for him, not good for your MH.
even very clever people can lack basic common sense & EQ & won’t listen to reason.
Keep Speaking to your therapist, tell your parents , trusted friends, the health visitor, doctor, social services if he won’t see sense. To hell with if he can’t handle some home truths! You need a support network Don’t isolate yourself, you need to talk & you need support. keep journaling & talking to mumsnetters too ! We’re here for u & baby who can’t speak for itself!