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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

433 replies

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:16

NC I don’t want this post linked to others.

Just had a bit of a disagreement with DH and wondering if I’m being unreasonable here.

Our baby, three months old, was sick down his chin and on his bouncer and DH grabbed the dishcloth that was sitting by the kitchen sink to wipe it from baby’s face and mouth. I said “are you really using a dishcloth?” and he said yes. When I asked would he use one on his own face, he said yes he’d use it on his own face (so what’s the problem, in other words).

The cloth was taken from our washing up bowl, and the cloths I had recently bleached yesterday. It was a microfibre cloth and DH uses these cloths to wipe up mess from the floor, we use them to wipe the sides and wash dishes.

AIBU or am I being a bit too precious about this?

Another example, he often picks baby up by both arms, did it this morning to take him out the bath and carry him two metres across the room and he keeps doing it, just another example of things he does that I don’t agree with.

Whenever I point things out to him he instead gets defensive and says “don’t tell me how to parent DC.” When he points things out to me I change what I’m doing, because my goal is just to want the best for DC but he thinks my safety concerns are silly and trying to wrap him in cotton wool.

Generally we are struggling with our newborn to be on the same page with safety concerns and I’m feeling very stuck and isolated as he will not respect my wishes when I call things out.

I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 29/06/2025 21:45

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:32

I feel so angry inside when he picks him up by hands, how uncomfortable it must be for him but I don’t say anything to not make these marital issues we are having any worse.

Yes this is unsafe handling, is the HV able to visit whne he is around and give advice

itsobviousright · 29/06/2025 21:44

soupyspoon · 29/06/2025 21:42

Well thats true isnt it?

He hasnt caused harm or presented risk to the child. Just done something you dont really approve of

He's lifted a 3 month old up by the hands repeatedly, risking potentially dislocating their shoulders or elbows - that is harmful and risky

Emonade · 29/06/2025 21:43

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:38

@PeapodMcgeehes not an abuser he is doing a lot of things well as a dad which is what is making me so conflicted. He just thinks he knows best a the time and wants to work as individuals rather than a team particularly around safety concerns

You are the mother, you are still in the fourth trimester, he should be listening to you. He is endangering your baby and he sounds horrible. He is borderline abusive by the sounds of it

JustAnInchident · 29/06/2025 21:43

PeapodMcgee · 29/06/2025 21:38

Then you deserve to have your baby removed from you, quite frankly. He isn't safe whilst you are prioritising your husband.

Quite. Can’t believe you’d rather play nice with your husband at the expense of your child getting physically hurt by this man. What the actual fuck are you thinking?!

Commonsense22 · 29/06/2025 21:42

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:38

@PeapodMcgeehes not an abuser he is doing a lot of things well as a dad which is what is making me so conflicted. He just thinks he knows best a the time and wants to work as individuals rather than a team particularly around safety concerns

I do understand, my DH had a very different level of hygiene tolerance.
I enrolled health visitors and midwives to give preplanned spontaneous llectures on the relevant topics when DH appeared. It helped a bit.

soupyspoon · 29/06/2025 21:42

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:21

@MidnightPatroltried it, his response is that when DC are in his care he can parent how he sees fit and when DC are my care he will also leave me to it. And that’s that.

Well thats true isnt it?

He hasnt caused harm or presented risk to the child. Just done something you dont really approve of

LurkyMcLurkinson · 29/06/2025 21:42

The dish cloth thing is gross but as a one off mistake, even if he didn’t acknowledge it was inappropriate, i’d share my view and then leave it there. Handling a baby like that is incredibly dangerous though and i’d worry that his handling could injure your child and see you facing medical and children’s services assessments of any injuries. In terms of your relationship what’s the wider context? As in, is there some anxiety and over protectiveness there which means he minimises all your concerns, even the very serious ones? Or is he controlling and always thinks he knows best?

rwalker · 29/06/2025 21:42

The problem is it does sound like you pick at things a lot do to him it will seem constant and everything he does is wrong and you are always right don’t dies unkind the situation because he’ll just think she’s off on one again

personally I wouldn’t do the dishcloth thing but it’s not the end of the world

as for lifting up by arms I’ve done that and genuinely didn’t realise till I was told

there always has to be compromise but please pick your battles

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:41

@Screamingabdabzwhy do you say he’s borderline abusive?

OP posts:
RazzleDazz1e · 29/06/2025 21:40

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:37

@Sparkiesthonestly, I don’t want to destroy my marriage.

I’ve concluded I will call out things that could be life or death and leave it otherwise.

the dishcloth thing I did thing was quite serious because if something harmful was on the cloth so for example raw chicken had been washed off a chopping board that could have been what at the time I assessed as more dangerous but posters are making me think twice

“I don’t want to destroy my marriage”. PROTECT YOUR BABY.

PeapodMcgee · 29/06/2025 21:40

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:38

@PeapodMcgeehes not an abuser he is doing a lot of things well as a dad which is what is making me so conflicted. He just thinks he knows best a the time and wants to work as individuals rather than a team particularly around safety concerns

He is potentially injuring your baby. Such a move by the wrists or arms causes ligament or muscle tears, or fractures. Will you please fucking listen!

Call NSPCC if you don't believe me.

itsobviousright · 29/06/2025 21:39

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:37

@Sparkiesthonestly, I don’t want to destroy my marriage.

I’ve concluded I will call out things that could be life or death and leave it otherwise.

the dishcloth thing I did thing was quite serious because if something harmful was on the cloth so for example raw chicken had been washed off a chopping board that could have been what at the time I assessed as more dangerous but posters are making me think twice

You dont want to destroy your marriage but your baby having a dislocated elbow is ok

Screamingabdabz · 29/06/2025 21:39

Don’t wipe your dishes with the same cloth you use to wipe your floor. Jeez that’s minging. Why are you worried about hygiene for your baby’s face when that’s the future for them? Sort the hygiene out. In fact don’t have dish cloths at all, they’re just rancid.

While you’re sort out rancid things. Sounds like your dismissive and borderline abusive husband needs sorting out too. Why are you putting up with this shit?

PeapodMcgee · 29/06/2025 21:38

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:37

@Sparkiesthonestly, I don’t want to destroy my marriage.

I’ve concluded I will call out things that could be life or death and leave it otherwise.

the dishcloth thing I did thing was quite serious because if something harmful was on the cloth so for example raw chicken had been washed off a chopping board that could have been what at the time I assessed as more dangerous but posters are making me think twice

Then you deserve to have your baby removed from you, quite frankly. He isn't safe whilst you are prioritising your husband.

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:38

@PeapodMcgeehes not an abuser he is doing a lot of things well as a dad which is what is making me so conflicted. He just thinks he knows best a the time and wants to work as individuals rather than a team particularly around safety concerns

OP posts:
itsobviousright · 29/06/2025 21:38

Your baby may very well have a dislocated shoulder or elbow, and you wont know about it. He is an ignorant, abusive twat and you need to get your baby to the doctor tomorrow

Do you have family support?

Mrsttcno1 · 29/06/2025 21:38

I think the problem is that you’re picking at so many little things that everything starts to feel like a little thing- even the big things, which picking up by the hands is.

I have always tried never to criticise or “correct” my husband if he does things with our daughter differently to me, just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s wrong, I’m certainly not always right and we all have our own ways of doing things- that’s fine. I only ever would comment if my husband was doing something which is actively unsafe, he never actually has, but I know if he did then he would accept whatever I said because me correcting him isn’t a daily thing.

pinkstripeycat · 29/06/2025 21:38

Always keep a muslin cloth and wet wipes to hand. You have to spoon feed some men

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:37

@Sparkiesthonestly, I don’t want to destroy my marriage.

I’ve concluded I will call out things that could be life or death and leave it otherwise.

the dishcloth thing I did thing was quite serious because if something harmful was on the cloth so for example raw chicken had been washed off a chopping board that could have been what at the time I assessed as more dangerous but posters are making me think twice

OP posts:
Emonade · 29/06/2025 21:37

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:32

I feel so angry inside when he picks him up by hands, how uncomfortable it must be for him but I don’t say anything to not make these marital issues we are having any worse.

Your baby is more important than this horrible man

RazzleDazz1e · 29/06/2025 21:36

PROTECT YOUR BABY.

PeapodMcgee · 29/06/2025 21:36

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:34

@PeapodMcgeehe will just say the doctor is being over cautious

If they find fractures?

It doesn't matter what your abuser says. You need to get him away from your baby, with help.

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:35

@LoztWorldi know. Like it obviously would feel uncomfortable for the child but because he doesn’t cry he thinks it’s playing and bonding.

im just so lost and feel stuck at not being able to raise things or there’s an argument

OP posts:
Sparkiest · 29/06/2025 21:35

The arm thing is more serious than the dishcloth. You should definitely say something.

Is there a reason you feel you can’t say this stuff to him?

LoztWorld · 29/06/2025 21:34

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:30

@LoztWorldyes by the hands so he is dangling

Wow. The fact his instincts even allow him to do that is worrying tbh. I can’t imagine the thought of lifting a baby like that even crossing a normal persons mind at 3 months. They’re so tiny and vulnerable then.

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