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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

433 replies

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:16

NC I don’t want this post linked to others.

Just had a bit of a disagreement with DH and wondering if I’m being unreasonable here.

Our baby, three months old, was sick down his chin and on his bouncer and DH grabbed the dishcloth that was sitting by the kitchen sink to wipe it from baby’s face and mouth. I said “are you really using a dishcloth?” and he said yes. When I asked would he use one on his own face, he said yes he’d use it on his own face (so what’s the problem, in other words).

The cloth was taken from our washing up bowl, and the cloths I had recently bleached yesterday. It was a microfibre cloth and DH uses these cloths to wipe up mess from the floor, we use them to wipe the sides and wash dishes.

AIBU or am I being a bit too precious about this?

Another example, he often picks baby up by both arms, did it this morning to take him out the bath and carry him two metres across the room and he keeps doing it, just another example of things he does that I don’t agree with.

Whenever I point things out to him he instead gets defensive and says “don’t tell me how to parent DC.” When he points things out to me I change what I’m doing, because my goal is just to want the best for DC but he thinks my safety concerns are silly and trying to wrap him in cotton wool.

Generally we are struggling with our newborn to be on the same page with safety concerns and I’m feeling very stuck and isolated as he will not respect my wishes when I call things out.

I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:18

@PeapodMcgeenot yet we have a session this week.

I am starting to keep a journal as my realities are often distorted by DH and so I keep it written down now

OP posts:
LurkyMcLurkinson · 29/06/2025 22:18

I’d attempt to talk to your partner at a moment when you’re both getting along and things are calm. You can take responsibility for any behaviour he has felt was unfair, for instance you can say you know you may have come across as overly critical as a result of your anxiety, and apologise and empathise, saying you’re sorry if that was hard for him. Tell him you’ve identified an action plan though of working with your therapist and health visitor to help you gain a better understanding of when your concerns are invalid by sharing examples with them. Then following seeing them you can apologise for any unfounded criticisms that have occurred, but highlight that the health visitor has warned about his handling being dangerous (which they will when you speak to them). That would probably be a good time to highlight you’re both learning, will make mistakes etc, especially if he’s sensitive to criticism. This approach will hopefully show him you’re willing to clean up your side of the fence but that he needs to be open to learning and growing as a parent as well. He might not initially take the conversation well but could then adjust his approach and stop all
dangerous handling, which would be a positive indicator he can change, even if he’s being childish about admitting wrongdoing. If he is still handling your baby unsafely though then sadly I think he’s very unlikely to change.

LondonFox · 29/06/2025 22:16

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:29

He insists the kitchen floor is clean and there’s more germs in the sink than on the floor. He refuses to stop doing it so much so that I figured I may aswell do it too if they’ll be used for the floor anyway

Tbh this would be a point of no return for me.
You cannot cleand floor and dishes and baby with the same piece of clothes.
What is next? Toilet wipe - quick dish wash - baby face?

I'd rather contemplate going over infidelity than over this nasty.

Lilactimes · 29/06/2025 22:16

Dear @namechangesafe

Your partner sounds very tricky. Most mums of new borns are hyper vigilant/ over protective especially for the first as everything is geared for their survival and as a mother you’re learning. Most fathers in the early stages seem to follow the mother’s wishes.

Can you try looking at baby manuals together and work out some key ways you’re planning to do stuff? Are you going to be baby led or try and have a routine? How long are you planning to feed? What method for weaning? Try and discuss together?? Then look at ways to hold them and how neck should be supported etc.. say something like “we should watch this”. See if it clicks when he’s reading it.
Dish cloth isn’t great … maybe have more baby muslins around near to hand everywhere - the next time just say “use this”
If you try the strategy of discussing and discovering together it may work.
either way you have to stop him immediately from picking up the baby in this way x

dawngreen · 29/06/2025 22:16

My young niece had a dislocation my sister lifted her by her arms when young. She was beside her self. She was a bit older though. But babies have softer bones so no way would I do that.

PeapodMcgee · 29/06/2025 22:16

Have you told your therapist about his dangerous handling of baby?

Commonsense22 · 29/06/2025 22:15

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:13

I now feel shittier for not judging my decision on which battle to pick. Calling him out on the dishcloth and not the arm thing.

i just feel like shit

You need a little tough love: this is not the time to indulge in self-centred emotions of guilt or self-pity.
Instead focus on stepping up now. Call woman's aid. Get yourself a spot in a shelter. Don't give your emotions too much breathing space and instead focus on acting for your child.

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:14

@Imisscoffee2021its nothing to do with him getting wet as he has no problem pouring water over his head during bath time a lot (this also annoys me but I don’t say anything as I realise it isn’t harmful just unnecessary for a three month old ImO who is blinking because of the water).

OP posts:
namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:13

I now feel shittier for not judging my decision on which battle to pick. Calling him out on the dishcloth and not the arm thing.

i just feel like shit

OP posts:
Werp · 29/06/2025 22:12

You’ve created a number of threads under different names about your husband’s behaviour. Taken all together it does sound like he’s abusive, and that while you live with him and try to appease him you can’t safely look after your baby in the way your (good) instincts are telling you to. I feel really sad for you and the baby. If I were you I’d do all the parenting and not trust him with it at all, however little sleep that meant getting.

Imisscoffee2021 · 29/06/2025 22:10

Three months being picked up by the arms and taking the weight of his own body on his shoulder and elbow joints?? That's so so dangerous, I'm even careful with my robust toddler doing things like that as they're so hypernobile at that age and their skeletons aren't fully developed yet.

Why does he do it!? So he doesn't get wet or something? Does he want to dislocate his child's elbow? Idiot.

CrackingOn50 · 29/06/2025 22:10

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:05

@anytipswelcomeits ok, I really
struggling so much. I have no one to talk to and see a therapist, he even tells me seeing a therapist makes him feel bad like he’s being slagged off and then I feel guilty for seeing therapists.

i don’t talk to friends or family too much as I’m afraid they will then turn and I just can’t deal with it.

he tells me majority of the relationship issues are my fault. Maybe some of them are, I honestly can’t make sense of anything - my reality is completely distorted.

this is very messy and upsetting for me.

even harsh posters I am grateful for opinions but please be kind right now I’m very fragile.

thank you.

Oh darling, if you're the same poster as I think you are then you need to speak to Women's Aid and professional services.

You're in an abusive relationship where your husband is hurting both you and baby. If you let this continue I can see something catastrophically horrendous happening to baby.

Cynic17 · 29/06/2025 22:10

I guarantee that every single one of us will have had our faces scrubbed with a dishcloth when we were babies - especially in a moment of "crisis" 😂 We all survived - it's really not a big deal.

TheSilentSister · 29/06/2025 22:10

What's wrong with you woman? FFS, he's picking your baby up by the arms! That's going to cause problems, dislocation, fractures. How can anyone think that's OK. Seriously, the dishcloth is nothing compared to that.
Get a grip, protect your baby.

itellstalez · 29/06/2025 22:10

I keep a pile of flannels under the sink. About five are used a day before they are slung in the wash at 90 degrees, on everything from cleaning up spills to dusting the lounge to washing sides and dirty floors. Their biggest purpose in life is to clean up the baby after meals or to wash toddlers sticky hands. It’s not a big deal! I’d have done exactly the same as your husband.

Petitchat · 29/06/2025 22:08

Just googled it.

It IS dangerous and babies should always be lifted under the armpits.

Can cause something called "nursemaids elbow"

OP, put a stop to this right NOW and get baby checked over asap

Guavafish1 · 29/06/2025 22:05

precious

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:05

@anytipswelcomeits ok, I really
struggling so much. I have no one to talk to and see a therapist, he even tells me seeing a therapist makes him feel bad like he’s being slagged off and then I feel guilty for seeing therapists.

i don’t talk to friends or family too much as I’m afraid they will then turn and I just can’t deal with it.

he tells me majority of the relationship issues are my fault. Maybe some of them are, I honestly can’t make sense of anything - my reality is completely distorted.

this is very messy and upsetting for me.

even harsh posters I am grateful for opinions but please be kind right now I’m very fragile.

thank you.

OP posts:
Confrontayshunme · 29/06/2025 22:05

I responded before assuming that he lifted baby by the armpits the way you described it. Lifting a 3mo by the hands when they have so little muscular control could seriously hurt them. That I would stick to. Just say "either you will have a chat with the health visitor about ways to properly move baby safely or I will talk to them about how you are currently doing it".

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 29/06/2025 22:04

Are you the poster who started the thread about nursery at three months?

If you are, you've got a lot of serious DH problems.

loobyloo1979 · 29/06/2025 22:04

Can you imagine the conversations:-

doctor- how did these injuries occur

dm- my dh was dangling him by the arms

social worker- why did you let him to this?

dm- I asked him to stop

social worker- so you knew it was wrong then, why did you let it continue?

dm- because I didn't want to rock the boat....

Katemax82 · 29/06/2025 22:04

No i would not use a used dishcloth on my babies face. However we have a basket with about 50 clean microfiber cloths near the sink so I would happily grab one of them and use it then put it in the wash

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:02

I'm going to mention it before the HV, if he doesn’t accept and agree not to do it again then I will consider next steps.

OP posts:
anytipswelcome · 29/06/2025 22:02

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:59

I feel awful now. Bad about myself, everything really.

having a baby has been such a joyous experience but emotionally very difficult for me.

I am just emotionally struggling.

Sorry OP my last message probably read as harsh and it’s obvious you’re having a tough time made much tougher by a pretty horrible and selfish partner.

Please speak to your health visitor and be honest. Do you feel you have a good rapport with yours and can open up to them?

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 29/06/2025 22:00

Ask your health visitor for a home visit when he will be there..

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