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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

433 replies

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:16

NC I don’t want this post linked to others.

Just had a bit of a disagreement with DH and wondering if I’m being unreasonable here.

Our baby, three months old, was sick down his chin and on his bouncer and DH grabbed the dishcloth that was sitting by the kitchen sink to wipe it from baby’s face and mouth. I said “are you really using a dishcloth?” and he said yes. When I asked would he use one on his own face, he said yes he’d use it on his own face (so what’s the problem, in other words).

The cloth was taken from our washing up bowl, and the cloths I had recently bleached yesterday. It was a microfibre cloth and DH uses these cloths to wipe up mess from the floor, we use them to wipe the sides and wash dishes.

AIBU or am I being a bit too precious about this?

Another example, he often picks baby up by both arms, did it this morning to take him out the bath and carry him two metres across the room and he keeps doing it, just another example of things he does that I don’t agree with.

Whenever I point things out to him he instead gets defensive and says “don’t tell me how to parent DC.” When he points things out to me I change what I’m doing, because my goal is just to want the best for DC but he thinks my safety concerns are silly and trying to wrap him in cotton wool.

Generally we are struggling with our newborn to be on the same page with safety concerns and I’m feeling very stuck and isolated as he will not respect my wishes when I call things out.

I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
flightymadam · 29/06/2025 22:30

To me your DP sounds arrogant and is dismissive of your concerns because he doesn't like to be challenged or criticised in any way. What's he like in general? It is difficult to argue with a big/fragile ego. Taking care of a small baby is not a matter of 'you do it your way and I'll do it mine' when the baby's health is at stake.
If a HV or doctor can't get through to him then you may need to leave to protect your baby. Can your family back you up?

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:29

@Namechangeani feel I have spoiled it by not picking battles so now when there is a battle it’s minimised. I have put myself in a difficult position.

i also have not yet called out the hand lifting but I already know how it will likely go. I might be surprised though we will see

OP posts:
Werp · 29/06/2025 22:28

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:25

@Commonsense22please explain why he’s dangerous (aside from the arm lifting). I’m not being daft but genuinely I need help decoding all of this.

Leaving a tiny baby crying behind a closed door is dangerous, lifting a baby by the arms is dangerous, using a cloth that might have bleach on it is dangerous, most of all his attitude of using a newborn baby to play mind games with you is horrendously dangerous as it won’t end, it will escalate.

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:28

@MidSumneryes he said to me twice now I’ve spoiled the newborn phase for him because of the arguments and my calling out bossy behaviour.

it upset me, but also is now making things very difficult.

he even told me yesterday I put the baby on his bed (we are currently sleeping separate to do shifts to avoid both of us waking at night), and baby got sick on his sheet. He told me not to put baby on bed for this very reason or make sure I clean him up if I do

but he lets his dog sit in the bed and has no issue with that?

OP posts:
AllTheChaos · 29/06/2025 22:28

Just saw your update. His behaviour is not ok, and is unsafe

Clareat2021 · 29/06/2025 22:28

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:30

@LoztWorldyes by the hands so he is dangling

He is risking dislocation, this needs to stop now. If he won't stop, you need to ask him to leave.

Namechangean · 29/06/2025 22:28

forgetting the dangerousness of picking baby up by hands - do you not see how this could be seen by others as abusive. He’s dismissing you, ignoring your concerns and you’ve said he undermines you to health visitors etc, he sounds awful

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:25

@Commonsense22please explain why he’s dangerous (aside from the arm lifting). I’m not being daft but genuinely I need help decoding all of this.

OP posts:
Susieblue18 · 29/06/2025 22:25

I wouldn’t worry too much about the dishcloth but lifting your son by the hands is not okay. I’m an A/E nurse and have seen babies and young children with dislocated elbows because of this.

Edenmum2 · 29/06/2025 22:24

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:21

I haven’t mentioned anything about lifting baby up because this is where I’m at, any issue I raise gets dismissed and I am made to be silly

I think the dishcloth thing is a bit weird but I wouldn’t get upset about it. But the arms thing you really need to make him understand that it’s dangerous. Could you just calmly show him advice around this? Explain what could happen? (In a non accusatory way)

You do need to be on the same page we the majority of things if you want to be a successful team

MidSumner · 29/06/2025 22:24

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:30

@MidSumnercan you explain what it is that makes you say that?

He's lifting your tiny baby in a very unsafe way & you are too worried about losing him, ti say anything to him. He's 'doing thing his way' despite them being unsafe, unhygienic & wont listen to you. Hes criticising you & making out it's you that has the problem.

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:24

@FishChipsAndVinegarPleasei try to and often they get moved or sometimes even I put in the wash and forget to replenish or today they are most of them being dried. Mostly I do have in every room though but equally I’m not perfect and can’t remember to have stock of everything everywhere all the time.

like why couldn’t he have used kitchen roll which was closer than the dish cloth

OP posts:
AllTheChaos · 29/06/2025 22:23

Are you able to get some research /official guidance to show him re lifting babies safely? And also re: the fact that their immune systems are not yet developed, so using something you just cleaned the floor with on their face / utensils they will eat with etc (for weaning stage) is unsafe? This is not OK. If it were a clean cloth, that had been used to clean the floor, then boil washed, I wouldn’t like it but would accept it as safe - just gross. I have separately cloths for each that are colour coded!

Commonsense22 · 29/06/2025 22:23

PeapodMcgee · 29/06/2025 22:20

I rather suspect this man knows full well what he should and shouldn't be doing to baby, but chooses to demonstrate recklessness in order to play power games with OP's head. I know the profile and it never ends well. He's actually dangerous and you're beyond sorting it out with a chat.

This. OP, this man is more dangerous than you think. I hadn't properly read the thread when I first responded.
This is a matter of you needing to put your doubts aside and tomorrow, pick up the phone to women's aid. See if you can get a non molestation order and move yourself out asap, including to a temporary shelter if required.

UnPetitCochon · 29/06/2025 22:22

Yeah it’s gross and I also wouldn’t use a floor cloth as a kitchen side cloth either.

We have separate cloths for floors and sides, and when the children were babies we always had muslins close to hand. If we didn’t then I would have used a clean piece of kitchen towel. When they were older babies/toddlers (probably even nursery age) I had flannels in the kitchen just for wiping their hands and faces!

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:22

@Lilactimesthank you. He calls videos I send patronising. He will only trust his own logic.

he would never do a parenting class, probably say it’s patronising.

we tried a routine but it’s slipping as sleep deprivation is really affecting mornings for me.

tried discovering together it doesn’t work. I said we should work as a team but he won’t have it.

he said for example today to me, the way I’m washing the bottles isn’t right because when I leave the bottle for more then a few minutes the milk dries on it so I need to wash it more vigorously. I completely accepted this, because it isn’t about my ego but what’s best, he then continued to say because this is an ACTUAL safety issue that could poison him.

the last part pissed me off as in other words he was saying I know the real problems and this is a real problem.

thing is I was grateful to him for pointing this out, it was the last part that just made me think this is constant against rather than with each other.

OP posts:
FoxesSox · 29/06/2025 22:21

Swinging or lifting a child by their arms can cause a painful injury called nursemaid's elbow, or radial head subluxation. This occurs when the ligaments around the radial head (a bone in the elbow) are stretched or torn, causing the elbow joint to partially dislocate. It's more common in young children whose ligaments are less developed. Instead of lifting or swinging by the arms, support the child's weight from under the armpits or use a different lifting technique.

BeachPossum · 29/06/2025 22:20

YANBU. The arms thing is really dangerous and could lead to dislocation and the cloth thing is unsanitary at best and dangerous at worst if there is bleach or other cleaning product on the cloth.

comoatoupeira · 29/06/2025 22:20

YABU, it's not a regular thing, he just did it without thinking it through, it's fine

PeapodMcgee · 29/06/2025 22:20

I rather suspect this man knows full well what he should and shouldn't be doing to baby, but chooses to demonstrate recklessness in order to play power games with OP's head. I know the profile and it never ends well. He's actually dangerous and you're beyond sorting it out with a chat.

FoxesSox · 29/06/2025 22:19

You need to protect your baby from this man. Dangling them from hands could seriously injure them. He’s only 3 months old! Awful.

Werp · 29/06/2025 22:19

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:13

I now feel shittier for not judging my decision on which battle to pick. Calling him out on the dishcloth and not the arm thing.

i just feel like shit

It sounds like your living in a fug of confusion of thinking you can reason with someone who is being unreasonable, on top of postpartum hormones. I hope you can take on board what posters are saying and stop trying to compromise on what should be red lines. You obviously care deeply about your baby, let that drive all your decisions, not worries about your marriage.

FishChipsAndVinegarPlease · 29/06/2025 22:19

You can win by keeping a steady supply of muslin cloths in every room/pocket.

ETA I would not pick a baby up by the arms. How is he even thinking it's a better grip than under the arms?

lazyarse123 · 29/06/2025 22:18

You really need to get out. He is abusive to both you and your baby. I hope you find the strength to go he is out of order blaming you for any marital issues.

TheSilentSister · 29/06/2025 22:18

OP, why are you focusing on the dish cloth instead of the physical abuse, being lifted by the arms. Is it because it's too horrific to acknowledge? It is horrific. The sooner you acknowledge this the better. You need to leave this abuser. Protect your baby.

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