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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

433 replies

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:16

NC I don’t want this post linked to others.

Just had a bit of a disagreement with DH and wondering if I’m being unreasonable here.

Our baby, three months old, was sick down his chin and on his bouncer and DH grabbed the dishcloth that was sitting by the kitchen sink to wipe it from baby’s face and mouth. I said “are you really using a dishcloth?” and he said yes. When I asked would he use one on his own face, he said yes he’d use it on his own face (so what’s the problem, in other words).

The cloth was taken from our washing up bowl, and the cloths I had recently bleached yesterday. It was a microfibre cloth and DH uses these cloths to wipe up mess from the floor, we use them to wipe the sides and wash dishes.

AIBU or am I being a bit too precious about this?

Another example, he often picks baby up by both arms, did it this morning to take him out the bath and carry him two metres across the room and he keeps doing it, just another example of things he does that I don’t agree with.

Whenever I point things out to him he instead gets defensive and says “don’t tell me how to parent DC.” When he points things out to me I change what I’m doing, because my goal is just to want the best for DC but he thinks my safety concerns are silly and trying to wrap him in cotton wool.

Generally we are struggling with our newborn to be on the same page with safety concerns and I’m feeling very stuck and isolated as he will not respect my wishes when I call things out.

I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
Namechangean · 29/06/2025 22:40

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:37

@Namechangeani think it’s always been there but I used to be less vocal about things. With age I’ve started to speak up you could say and it’s creating issues.

He said he feels 90% of relationship issues are me, because I have mood swings and can get angry - but I almost feel maybe a lot of the time I have got some issue that’s fuelling all of this.

im definately blaming myself a lot and also cannot distinguish reality a lot of the time and my perceptions are eroded

I’d speak to women’s aid about how you’re feeling. They might be able to help you unpick his behaviour and help you understand the way you’re feeling is due to him gaslighting you to the point you question your own reality

Commonsense22 · 29/06/2025 22:40

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:45

@rwalkerues this is the problem I’m trying so hard to do that. I’m new to this too, baby is only three months. I’m aware I’ve not been picking battles and now I am trying to I am finding it hard to actually know when to say. And even when I do say the battle is worth fighting for I’m often dismissed (not all the time) but most of the time.

my safety concerns are often me being woke or over protective.

What we're trying to say is that

  • any misjudgement you may have made is irrelevant
  • your dh is gaslighting you and leading you to believe your valid concerns are wrong
  • he is doing this intentionally and in itself it is abusive
  • his behaviour is escalating and he's willing to harm the baby just to control you (yes he knows it can hurt the baby, he is doing this on purpose)
  • you don't have to be brave and confront him on these issues as he is abusive and will react with anger / further gaslighting
  • any discussion with him is futile
  • your only option is to leave
namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:40

I honestly feel in his head he is trying to be supportive and good in other ways. Which is what is making things difficult and he said to me he is trying his best but feels his best isn’t enough for me and I’m never happy

OP posts:
Kimwestonhelpless · 29/06/2025 22:40

He dismisses, critical on nearly everything you do no middle ground.
Along with his dangerous attitudes towards the baby .
He's not a good man by any stretch of the imagination.
Please take note of other posters that have been in your position.

Werp · 29/06/2025 22:39

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:37

@Namechangeani think it’s always been there but I used to be less vocal about things. With age I’ve started to speak up you could say and it’s creating issues.

He said he feels 90% of relationship issues are me, because I have mood swings and can get angry - but I almost feel maybe a lot of the time I have got some issue that’s fuelling all of this.

im definately blaming myself a lot and also cannot distinguish reality a lot of the time and my perceptions are eroded

This sounds like you do know he’s abusive? In a normal relationship people don’t lose their sense of reality

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:39

@Namechangeanhe says he walks on eggshells around me so I don’t call him out for his parenting and other things I’m unhappy with.

we had a huge marriage crisis talk recently, we have been to counselling which didn’t really work as he came away saying it highlighted the issues are mainly me?!!!

I asked if he will go back and he won’t he says it makes h feel uncomfortable that the sessions made ME look bad.

im just totally confused by everything I don’t know what’s right what feels wrong I just feel stuck and unsupported right now.

OP posts:
LillyPJ · 29/06/2025 22:38

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:20

Because it’s a baby and hence why bottles are sterilised etc, it’s different for my own dishes because my immune system is much stronger @Wolfpa

Your babies immune system will get much stronger if you're not too precious about sterilizing everything or keeping the baby away from dirt. Sterilizing bottles is important but not everything has to be that clean.

OneFineDay13 · 29/06/2025 22:37

Tinkerbellflowers · 29/06/2025 21:20

Im with you. Using a dishcloth to wipe a three month old baby is horrible. And lifting a baby up by their arms is dangerous.

I agree he is being a dick too by all accounts

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:37

@Namechangeani think it’s always been there but I used to be less vocal about things. With age I’ve started to speak up you could say and it’s creating issues.

He said he feels 90% of relationship issues are me, because I have mood swings and can get angry - but I almost feel maybe a lot of the time I have got some issue that’s fuelling all of this.

im definately blaming myself a lot and also cannot distinguish reality a lot of the time and my perceptions are eroded

OP posts:
Werp · 29/06/2025 22:37

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:33

@Namechangeanyes I do think I’m contributing to the issue I agree with your post.

thing is all I want is best for my baby and it’s hurting me that we can’t just try and work towards that but he sees my view as what’s best for baby as over protective. This is where we are clashing

What matters more - trying to get your husband to see your perspective? Or protecting your baby? You seem really stuck in the mindset that the first is possible, if you compromise the second enough. And it’s very clear that this is a power play not a difference of opinion. So you lose just by trying to play. You need to forget about trying to change your husband or trying to hammer out a compromise, and work out how to keep your baby safe from him. Could you stay with your family?

Namechangean · 29/06/2025 22:37

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:33

@Namechangeanyes I do think I’m contributing to the issue I agree with your post.

thing is all I want is best for my baby and it’s hurting me that we can’t just try and work towards that but he sees my view as what’s best for baby as over protective. This is where we are clashing

Speak to your health visitor about your concerns and she will tell you if you are overreacting or not.

I don’t like to jump to conclusions but it sounds like your DH is abusive which is why you walk on eggshells around him.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 29/06/2025 22:35

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:25

@Commonsense22please explain why he’s dangerous (aside from the arm lifting). I’m not being daft but genuinely I need help decoding all of this.

If you're the poster I think you are, he also leaves your baby to cry for ages, and feeds him lying on his back, which is a choking risk.

JIMER202 · 29/06/2025 22:34

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:29

He insists the kitchen floor is clean and there’s more germs in the sink than on the floor. He refuses to stop doing it so much so that I figured I may aswell do it too if they’ll be used for the floor anyway

This is vile. You use cloths that have been on your floor to dry your dishes?! What!

and I wouldn’t be ok with my baby being carried by the arms! Why is he not using his armpits ffs.

PopeJoan2 · 29/06/2025 22:34

Springadorable · 29/06/2025 21:18

I find it weirder to use a cloth that you use on the floor on your dishes. So with the context provided, while I wouldn't use that cloth, it doesn't seem unreasonable given the other things it's used on.

Totally with you with the arm thing though. Babies and young children need supporting around their body, their joints aren't up to that sort of tension.

Sorry, what? Because the dishcloth is used on the floor as well as dishes it is ok to wipe the poor baby’s face with it?

Op, your dh is out of order in both regards.

Namechangean · 29/06/2025 22:34

Has your DH always undermined you like this or only since the baby was born?

Clareat2021 · 29/06/2025 22:34

cestlavielife · 29/06/2025 22:32

When you ve visited a and e to get elbow joint put back in place a few times your "dh" might understand why he should not be lifting by arms ... keep an eye and if baby stops using one arm get to a and e for joint to be put back in place (and dh to get a telling off)

More like Social Services applying to Court as the baby is injured...

daisychain01 · 29/06/2025 22:34

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:32

@daisychain01there were on baby wipes close by

I'm weeping on your behalf @namechangesafe dont doubt yourself, please x

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:33

@Namechangeanyes I do think I’m contributing to the issue I agree with your post.

thing is all I want is best for my baby and it’s hurting me that we can’t just try and work towards that but he sees my view as what’s best for baby as over protective. This is where we are clashing

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 29/06/2025 22:32

When you ve visited a and e to get elbow joint put back in place a few times your "dh" might understand why he should not be lifting by arms ... keep an eye and if baby stops using one arm get to a and e for joint to be put back in place (and dh to get a telling off)

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:32

@daisychain01there were on baby wipes close by

OP posts:
namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:32

@flightymadamhinestly, he just thinks I’m hormonal, irrational and illogical and that’s why he’s dismissive of things I point out.

he also thinks I’m overprotective

OP posts:
Namechangean · 29/06/2025 22:31

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:29

@Namechangeani feel I have spoiled it by not picking battles so now when there is a battle it’s minimised. I have put myself in a difficult position.

i also have not yet called out the hand lifting but I already know how it will likely go. I might be surprised though we will see

You’re a new mum who is anxious and trying to find your way. It sounds like he’s doing stuff that is shit parenting to be honest. And has now convinced you it’s a you issue. Destroyed your confidence to the point you are letting him handle your baby in a way that could injur him

daisychain01 · 29/06/2025 22:31

Your DH lacks even the basics of hygiene and his empathy is non-existent. His child is not a rag doll to be dragged by its arms (how would he like to be carried like that?) and the baby had just been sick, so it's revolting to use the dishcloth for that. Has he never seen a baby wipe?

yet another example of weaponised incompetence that we see so often on here.

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:31

@flightymadamfamily have backed me up on one incident and it didn’t go well. My mom called him out on something and it’s till this day created a bit of an atmosphere

I asked my mom to call things out that are serious otherwise to tell me

OP posts:
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