Page 5 | Relatives living with us - no jobs

BunnyVV · 2025-06-29T17:28:09+00:00

we have some relatives from overseas staying with us. I agreed to help them with somewhere to stay and sustenance until they got jobs etc. i have welcomed them into my home and treated them as family. Things are not easy for us due to the cost of living but I am very good at budgeting. We eat well thanks to good prep for home-cooking. I work hard and earn moderately well but the mortgage etc is big. I enjoy some nice things, eg a glass of posh gin on a Saturday, gym membership etc because I prefer not to spend elsewhere (beauty treatments, takeaways). the problem is that they are not trying hard enough to get work, or they turn down what they don’t fancy (eg have to get 2 buses to get there). it’s been 10 weeks. They do not have anything full-time. They agreed they’d take bar work whilst looking for something better, but that’s not happening. I’m tired of sharing nice things 10 weeks on. I need to find the courage to tell them that the smoked salmon is only for me, the gin is only for me, please don’t eat the whole bar of green & blacks chocolate because I like a square at night sometimes. It’s not right I go to the cupboard and theres none there. I need to tell them not to touch the nibbles and beer I keep in a cupboard for unexpected visitors. but I feel like a horrible person in doing so. they have no income. But my income cannot sustain this any more. I don’t want to stop buying things that I like to have in my own kitchen. I work hard and I get to chose what’s in my fridge and cupboards. why do they eat smoked salmon instead of ham? When the smoked salmon runs out, then they eat the ham. they seem completely oblivious to the problem. I didn’t set any ground rules because I didn’t imagine it would get to this point. I assumed they’d be gone 40 hours a week working. how do I sit there and enjoy a posh gnt on a sunny evening whilst they sit there and watch me whilst drinking water?!??? I end up not enjoying the gnt.

JustFeedMeCake · 29/06/2025 22:59

BunnyVV · 29/06/2025 22:26

I generally find most peopke won’t take the piss. We have done this in the past and people have been very respectful. I cannot go through life not giving people a chance because they might take the piss.

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Well they ARE taking the piss and you’re the one here complaining about them, you’ve certainly landed yourself some grifters. Plenty of good advice from previous posters yet you seem determined to ignore it. Enjoy paying for your lodgers indefinitely OP. Better start hiding your gin and chocolate 🤣

joliefolle · 29/06/2025 22:58

There's no point arguing with people on MN about this. Your relatives/guests don't understand and you need to explain it to them. What do you want? Do you want them to leave? If so, tell them we can't afford this, we thought you'd have a job by now and be contributing to the food bills etc. please leave. If you don't mind but want them to contribute then you should kindly explain this to them. They have been doing it for long enough without being told it's not on, so that is partly your responsibility. It's not fair for them to take the piss, it's not fair for you to have not said a word about if for months and thus encourage them to feel that it's all good and then blindside them with your resentment. Whatever you decide, do it firmly but kindly. And then if they respond badly, kick them out.

Chintzcardboard · 29/06/2025 22:58

Maybe the message is shown at grocery store. Bring them with you.

When you get to the till, say it. My shop is usually X, now it’s 3X. You need to get jobs and start contributing or go home. I can’t afford feeding you.

Then be upset, walk out without paying. Leave them at the till.

murasaki · 29/06/2025 22:55

ByGreyTiger · 29/06/2025 22:54

I don’t understand - do they have a work visa? What kind of visa etc do they have to stay here 10 weeks?

Not the UK.

ByGreyTiger · 29/06/2025 22:55

Ok so you say a passport they have… like a UK dependency?

murasaki · 29/06/2025 22:55

BunnyVV · 29/06/2025 22:49

We had other peopke stay quite a while. They worked a lot and made friends so we rarely saw them. I’m quite easy going. Early starts and late coming home didn’t bother me.
They paid a token rent and ate normally… a slice of toast for breakfast , lunch at work, simple pasta for dinner if they got home late, or they ate with us. If they consumed alcohol they’d always buy a bottle back next time they went shopping and stick it in the drinks cupboard or a pack of beers in the fridge.

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Which sounds fine, and I can see why you thought this lot would, but they aren't so you could say previous guests have done x and I'll need you to do that or to leave by the end of July.

ByGreyTiger · 29/06/2025 22:54

I don’t understand - do they have a work visa? What kind of visa etc do they have to stay here 10 weeks?

Middlechild3 · 29/06/2025 22:52

How can people legally come to work here if they have no funds to support themselves whilst getting settled, have no prearranged work. Have you acted as guarantor?

Lampzade · 29/06/2025 22:51

BunnyVV · 29/06/2025 22:33

So you think it’s not ok that I posted here?
Before they came expectations were set. They saw the example of other family before them.
then they got here and unfortunately laziness and entitlement got the better of them and they forgot about hard work and pulling their weight.

they know what other family did (granted before COVID) and the kinds of jobs they took on for the first few months. These guys have made poor decisions…they’ve decided getting 2 buses isn’t convenient for them, for example. Previous visitors travelled further … a train and 2 buses…but then they had the right attitude.

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They have decided that getting two buses is inconvenient because they have free food , free board and don’t pay any bills . There is no sense of urgency
You are simply too nice Op and as a result they are taking the piss

Kwean · 29/06/2025 22:49

BunnyVV · 29/06/2025 22:43

They arrived with a passport that allows them to work. 10 weeks is more than plenty. Most people would find something within 2 weeks, even just bar or restaurant staff. They have been offered work but they don’t like the travel time of 2 buses!

the boundaries are just general etiquette to any person who is living in someone else’s house. Pay your way or, if you can’t, eat what you know to be “cheaper” food. Ham and cheese sarnie, not smoked salmon for lunch until theres none left. Don’t help yourself to a gin and tonic until you’re earning enough money to buy a bottle for the drinks cupboard.

this is basic etiquette and other people in the past have lived with us in harmony in that way.

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Most people would find something within 2 weeks, even just bar or restaurant staff.

Agree. So what was your contribution to the discussions, decisions, guidence 8 weeks ago and every day, day in, day out since?

Original poster

BunnyVV · 29/06/2025 22:49

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/06/2025 21:36

I think they’ve just got too comfortable not paying rent and there’s no urgency to work if they have access to everything they need

Very likely, yes, but what were the circumstances of them coming in the first place? Is it supposed to be a holiday or did they intend to move permanantly?

Because if they intend to be here for good you really do need that conversation, including - I'd suggest - a limit on how long they can expect to stay with you

We had other peopke stay quite a while. They worked a lot and made friends so we rarely saw them. I’m quite easy going. Early starts and late coming home didn’t bother me.
They paid a token rent and ate normally… a slice of toast for breakfast , lunch at work, simple pasta for dinner if they got home late, or they ate with us. If they consumed alcohol they’d always buy a bottle back next time they went shopping and stick it in the drinks cupboard or a pack of beers in the fridge.

OP posts:

steff13 · 29/06/2025 22:46

So are you looking for ideas on what to do or just for people to agree with you that it's common courtesy not to eat the fancy food, etc?

Kwean · 29/06/2025 22:45

BunnyVV · 29/06/2025 22:33

So you think it’s not ok that I posted here?
Before they came expectations were set. They saw the example of other family before them.
then they got here and unfortunately laziness and entitlement got the better of them and they forgot about hard work and pulling their weight.

they know what other family did (granted before COVID) and the kinds of jobs they took on for the first few months. These guys have made poor decisions…they’ve decided getting 2 buses isn’t convenient for them, for example. Previous visitors travelled further … a train and 2 buses…but then they had the right attitude.

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So you think it’s not ok that I posted here?

You need to have used words with these young people who you have assumed would follow in the path of other relatives from at least 6 years ago - how would these young people know that you expect them to follow a process that they were not party to due to likley being young children at the time in a remote place?

Its on you to use your words.

Get on with it.

What do you want people here to say?

Original poster

BunnyVV · 29/06/2025 22:43

Itallcomesdowntothis · 29/06/2025 20:38

OP I agree 10 weeks is ridiculous but realistically people can’t move from another country, settle in, get all the documents they need, look for and find a job etc in that time. This was never going to work.

You haven't set boundaries so how do they know they are going wrong? They clearly are feeling very welcomed but can’t use ESP to know how you are feeling.

I really struggle with people who complain but won’t or can’t have the necessary conversation and then it festers and gets this bad.

They arrived with a passport that allows them to work. 10 weeks is more than plenty. Most people would find something within 2 weeks, even just bar or restaurant staff. They have been offered work but they don’t like the travel time of 2 buses!

the boundaries are just general etiquette to any person who is living in someone else’s house. Pay your way or, if you can’t, eat what you know to be “cheaper” food. Ham and cheese sarnie, not smoked salmon for lunch until theres none left. Don’t help yourself to a gin and tonic until you’re earning enough money to buy a bottle for the drinks cupboard.

this is basic etiquette and other people in the past have lived with us in harmony in that way.

OP posts:

steff13 · 29/06/2025 22:37

What does your husband think you should do? You don't have to do this all on your own. You and he need to present a united front and sit them down and say "hey we can only really give you four more weeks, find work or go back home."

Jamesblonde2 · 29/06/2025 22:36

Time limit. Have a job by X date or you go home. I can’t afford/don’t want to pay to keep you. That’s not on and they should be embarrassed.

flightymadam · 29/06/2025 22:36

Gather your thoughts, write down a list of ground rules then sit down with them to discuss it. You should have done this at the beginning really. You were not to know they'd take the piss but clearly they need firm handling! You could lock food up or label everything with a 'hands off' message but better still tell them what's upsetting you. Give them boundaries and deadlines.

Original poster

BunnyVV · 29/06/2025 22:33

Kwean · 29/06/2025 21:52

This is a classic case of poor communication on your part. You have let it fester and allowed resentment to grow and you are still unable to use your words. It's fine to hope they would get it - but it wasnt today that this has erupted for you. You should have nipped this in the bud and guided expectations much earlier.

They are not mind readers.

Maybe they are over-whelmed and need help and direction?

Communicate calmly and assertively directly with your family members rather than resort to avoidance behaviours by venting your frustration at strangers on the internet. Does conflict scare you? Doesn't have to be confrontational - just calmly get your words out.

Are you comfortable saying - "you need to be in fulltime work by x date and buying all your own food and preparing your own meals by y date." Or whatever your boundaries, deadlines, expectations and consequences are. Are you clear what they are?

Edited

So you think it’s not ok that I posted here?
Before they came expectations were set. They saw the example of other family before them.
then they got here and unfortunately laziness and entitlement got the better of them and they forgot about hard work and pulling their weight.

they know what other family did (granted before COVID) and the kinds of jobs they took on for the first few months. These guys have made poor decisions…they’ve decided getting 2 buses isn’t convenient for them, for example. Previous visitors travelled further … a train and 2 buses…but then they had the right attitude.

OP posts:

Beachtastic · 29/06/2025 22:32

DoYouReally · 29/06/2025 22:30

"I agreed to let you stay on order for you to get set up with jobs and accommodation. It's been three months now and you appear to have made little progress. In addition, you keep eating my food without making any contribution to the household, I need you to move out as this isn't working anymore".

Edited

I think you missed out a word in the last bit! Or did you mean for OP to move out?! I wouldn't blame her for wanting to! 😁

DoYouReally · 29/06/2025 22:30

"I agreed to let you stay on order for you to get set up with jobs and accommodation. It's been three months now and you appear to have made little progress. In addition, you keep eating my food without making any contribution to the household, I need you to move out as this isn't working anymore".

murasaki · 29/06/2025 22:27

BunnyVV · 29/06/2025 22:26

I generally find most peopke won’t take the piss. We have done this in the past and people have been very respectful. I cannot go through life not giving people a chance because they might take the piss.

Show quote history

Which shows you as a lovely person, but this lot have taken the piss and will continue to do so. Hard deadline to leave.

murasaki · 29/06/2025 22:26

If you're wfh, then you could tell them they need to be out of the house 9 to 5. That should make them think.

Original poster

BunnyVV · 29/06/2025 22:26

mylovedoesitgood · 29/06/2025 20:21

You give people the opportunity to take the piss, as you have done, and most of the time they will. Do you realise the freeloaders are indirectly taking away money from you, your husband and your kids? Please have the ‘shape up or do one’ conversation with them asap.

I generally find most peopke won’t take the piss. We have done this in the past and people have been very respectful. I cannot go through life not giving people a chance because they might take the piss.

OP posts:

Beachtastic · 29/06/2025 22:26

Uuuugggghhhh OP it's a horrible position to find yourself in. Having your kindness taken advantage of. I remember having someone do this with me and I hated feeling as though a flock of locusts had descended on my home, stripping it bare. I hated myself but eventually began hiding things away just so that I could get a look-in!

They are CFs, good luck with "the conversation" bur relatives or not, if they don't understand it's their problem and they know where the door is. They've had plenty of time to make a Plan B.

Kwean · 29/06/2025 22:25

BunnyVV · 29/06/2025 22:24

I live here and I WFH. I cannot simply not buy what I like to eat. I am really busy in my job and life admin, and I need a packet of smoked salmon to last me half the week. I get very little time to grab a bite to eat during the day. I just need it to be in the fridge. For nutritional reasons and because it’s just nice to eat. My treat at night is camomile tea and square of posh chocolate. I don’t drink during the week. It’s my routine and it’s so frustrating when the whole bar has gone.

this is about knowing how to approach them and have a difficult conversation, and what boundaries are acceptable to set.

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USE YOUR WORDS!!

Its not a difficult conversation - its just about expressing your preferences....

Take 30 seconds to sort this out.

"Please can you not eat the SS and Choc"