Relatives living with us - no jobs

Why do you think it is appropriate to be so unpleasant to strangers on the internet who have taken their time to give you their insight to help you?

This is what happens to your unresolved pent up anger and frustration - in comes out inappropriately and disproprotionately on others. YOU need to deal with this calmly and clearly otherwise you will be sniping at your loved ones.

Do you believe you have agency in your own home? What are your next steps?

Yout relative is taking a piss at this point.

As pps said, you need to give them a deadline. "Either get job within x weeks or we can help pay for ticket back."

And now the harsh part. The latter will be better option. Immigrants (no one really should but as immigrant you don't generally have local safety net) do not survive with mentality of doing nothing and "I don't like the 2 buses ride". Signed, immigrant who took 2 buses to my first job at 5AM after arriving to UK.

PS personally I wouldn't get into the nitty gritty of which foods they eat or are allowed to eat etc. And like you, I would never consider locking up food. (I have been known to hide chocolate though! Who wouldn't!). These are just details, the point that needs to be clearly made is not that they are being selfish by eating certain foods, it is that they need to actually get going now or go home.

You know OP, you express very well what you feel (entirely reasonably) and what you can/should say to these people, but you just have not been able to do it. This is your problem and it's one I sympathise with. I am also a person who in general would rather be somewhat taken advantage of than have those awkward conversations/appear mean or tight in any way. You are going to have to screw up the courage to have the conversation though, ten weeks is too long and your (justified) resentment is going to increasingly poison your life (and your retionships not only with these visitors but presumably their whole branch of the family, whether its your side or your husband's).

I shy away from awkward conversations with family like the plague! But even I would speak up in this situation. Especially if your visitors are young people. I have on many occasions rather argued with my DH than curtailed the considerable help and support I have given my elderly parents, but they ARE elderly and they are my parents. Able bodied young people are a different story. You are just going to have to do it. Write out what you want to say and practice it before you speak to them.

People are different, you can't just expect everyone to fit the mould of a perfect house guest. You still sound like you are refusing to have the difficult conversation, this is your problem.

You need to give them a time limit. Say if they haven't got a job by end of july, they have to go home. Because they're treating it as a holiday at your expense. If they don't get jobs, they have to go home. Be firm.

Good luck with talking to them. It does sound like clear communication is needed.
I would go with the approach that they are naive and don't understand things.
Explain to them that it has been 10 weeks, jobs have been offered to them and that they need to accept it. Agree to giving them 2 more weeks and saying by that date they need to have secured work and housing.
I would also bring up food. Use examples familiar to them. Salmon is a luxury in this country, the same as it is as home..I have worked hard to have this treat.

I am assuming they are young and have been sent to you to make a better life - what have their parents said? I am guessing if they have a lazy attitude then they are glad to see them go! Is there a culture of bringing shame on the family and speaking of disappointing family? Would they be embarrassed if you said you were sending them back?

You need to be honest and upfront with your guests. Tell them there are certain things you buy which are off limits - your smoked salmon, chocolate etc - and they are your treats and not for general consumption whatsoever. None negotiable.

You also need to reinforce / reiterate your expectations of them finding work, irrespective of whatever obstacles they perceive to prevent them from accepting jobs.

They are not supposed to be on an extended all inclusive holiday, they have made a life choice to move location and that involves finding paid employment.

Do it today.

I agree with @joliefolle. These people clearly have no manners and don’t understand societal norms however you have let this drag on and they clearly think it’s all ok.

Imo even if you go and stay with someone for a couple of days you take wine, chocs, flowers as a thank you. If you are in effect living there you talk to the host about what rent/food costs will work. This works 2 ways, it isn’t just up to the OP however in letting this drag she has sent the message that they don’t need to contribute. I’m also surprised they think it’s fine to eat what I would call luxury foods be smoked salmon etc, that’s just rude and grabby. I would never just help myself.

I’m also wondering what they do all day? Unless you live by the beach or something?

Anyway I think you need to tell them it’s time to
move on, even if you have to lie a little and say you have friends coming. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, you don’t have to give a reason. I would also buy the bare minimum for the week, no smoked salmon!

how many bedrooms do you have Op?

er Op…. Don’t tell us

Tell your relatives! 😆

this is about knowing how to approach them and have a difficult conversation, and what boundaries are acceptable to set.

these are your relatives, and presumably you’re very close to them (or at least you are now having living with them for 10 weeks and no end in sight 😆!) and on his thread you seem very clear and very forthright in your views on what is acceptable and boundaries.

So maybe lay off arguing with mumsnetters
and channel your energy on this thread in to taking back your family home (and your children and husband’s family home too!)

Moving to a foreign country is tough tough tough so I have a lot of sympathy which you don’t have because probably you haven’t done it.

🤦🏻‍♀️

OP has said multiple times that she has done exactly this herself, @Itallcomesdowntothis.

She describes her own family as "a family who worked hard 20 years ago when [we] first arrived in Europe".

and

"When I was younger I took any job going so I’m shocked they are not doing this."

She also said that her income cannot sustain them in their current lifestyle.

Even if they'd come on holiday with the shared cultural expectation that you'd fully host them for x days and then they'd return home, there would normally be boundaries around helping themselves and an understanding that some things are off limits - could be meant for guests, for the children's school lunches, for an emergency, or for dinner later in the week. You're best placed to tell if your visitors are taking the piss or genuinely clueless (if they are very young, never been away from home before, etc.) Either way, set boundaries now. It's probably awkward because it's been weeks and they've been doing whatever they like so telling them now feels like a reproach, but every day it continues the problem gets worse not better.

Have you asked why they don't yet have jobs? Do they understand that they can take the job that's two bus rides away and still continue looking for a more convenient job? It's very reasonable to tell them that they need to start bringing in money however they manage it, especially as this was pre-agreed. Have they used all of their savings, and if so can their families back home give them an allowance so they can at least be responsible for buying their own food?

If they have some unanticipated barriers in the job search - maybe there is some cultural prejudice, a language barrier, difficulty of checking foreign credentials and references, local jobs filled by people with local connections, etc. - they need to be communicating this to you and getting whatever support's available to work through it. Or, if they genuinely have given up on finding work, they need to make plans to go home. I'm not saying throw them out or lock the 'fridge tomorrow, but as a start tell them to go back and see if those jobs they turned down are still available.

@middlechild3 and @bygreytiger Once again, they are EU citizens so DO NOT NEED ANY VISAS or any other sort of permission to live and work in any EU country! That is not the issue here. They can and should get jobs now.

How ridiculous, passive aggressive and dramatic to suggest to pontificate and then flounce off.

Just calmly and assertively decide what your expectations/boundaries/prefreneces/deadlines/consequences are and communicate it simply with calm words.....

What's wrong with people!!

They are doing this because they know @BunnyVV feels unable to call them out on it.

I think you round them up for a family meeting. Tell them that they aren't taking this seriously and they need to find a job pronto and you are going to put some house rules in place.

Great - say all of that to them!

Yeah they could be getting a bar job but maybe they are holding out. Moving to a foreign country is tough tough tough so I have a lot of sympathy which you don’t have because probably you haven’t done it.

They are family, you invited them to stay and now they are making themselves at home. Frankly if my family visits I don’t tell them to eat ham when there is smoked salmon in the fridge I just say help yourself (and yes I have had family stay for weeks and weeks) or I don’t buy it only for me.

Stop trying to keep telling us the situation and how they are all wrong just talk to them.

OP is being used like a mug.

Why did you even offer to help at the expense of your own family?

If they're young could you get in touch with their parents to say they aren't sticking to the agreement and get them to have a word? Maybe say you will send them back home if there's no improvement.

I certainly wouldn't have them in the house while I was wfh. They can go out.