Relatives living with us - no jobs

We had some young Aussie relatives of DH staying with us some years ago, their mother wrote and asked if they could come for a couple of weeks. They sat around all day in their room, appeared for meals and then disappeared again, never went out. Two weeks in we discovered that they planned to stay for the year. Next day DH had them packed and leaving.

I would tell them in advance that there are a few things that need to be discussed. Thats all. It gives them time to think what might be coming. When you do have the conversation, sit them down and stand over them. This will give you a feeling of control and keep standing. Dont let them move untill they tell you they will get a job and how its going to happen. You then tell them they have two weeks to get a job or they will have to go home. You have the control, if they fall out with you you tell them they have to leave but i doubt that will happen. Also the new rules regarding food. Good luck ,you can do this.

@caligirl it has been explained several times, they are not in the UK and so the right to work there is not relevant. They can get jobs.

OP
Please ask them what their plans are going forward .
It's been 10 weeks how long do they expect you to subsidise them.
Sorry, it doesn't matter who's relatives they are, but they are taking advantage . People like this see manners as a sign of weakness .
Stand up for yourself .

Hey X and Y, I think we need a family chat. When i said you could stay was expecting it to be a couple of weeks but were coming up to 3 months and I'm struggling financially with this set up.

I can give you 4 weeks to find a place but on Z date you'll need to move out because I can't afford to continue any longer. I hope you understand and will help you any way I can.

My dad used to take in lodgers from the EU so that they could find jobs, they would either be saving money to go home and get married, or find something more permanent and stay (this was before Brexit). The vast majority would work multiple minimum wage jobs before gradually finding better positions, I was endlessly impressed at how hard they would work, and how respectful they were sharing my dad's home. They would cook for him and be good companions, in turn he would take them on trips to different places to teach them the British culture. It was mutually beneficial, so I can totally understand why you've been doing the same - you made the most of your good fortune and you're paying it forwards. It's a shame some people don't seem to get it.

Sometimes, certain people need a bit more encouragement than others. I wonder if this pair are not a good influence on each other? People can easily get a bit cheeky if they get too comfortable, and when there's another person who is doing the same lazy behaviour it's easier to think it's ok. You're right that 10 weeks is way too long. It's time to sit these two down and have a though talk with them. What would their friends and relatives think of them at home? Are they not a little bit embarrassed that they haven't made anything of themselves yet despite being given such a rare opportunity? Would they take advantage of someone like this in their hometown?

the boundaries are just general etiquette to any person who is living in someone else’s house. Pay your way or, if you can’t, eat what you know to be “cheaper” food. Ham and cheese sarnie, not smoked salmon for lunch until theres none left. Don’t help yourself to a gin and tonic until you’re earning enough money to buy a bottle for the drinks cupboard.
this is basic etiquette and other people in the past have lived with us in harmony in that way.

This is pretty standard @BunnyVV and you're not unreasonable to expect that behaviour & attitude.

Brilliant!!!

@BunnyVV you're getting a bit of a hard time here from some posters.

I totally get your attitude: you've had a generous helping hand in your life, you've worked hard and established yourself, and you're paying forward that generosity.

Any normal ethical thinking person would see your generosity and not take the piss. They'd be eager to find work, to contribute & to thank you for your help. They'd buy your groceries, they'd do some housework, they'd help. And they'd get jobs, so that they can stand on their own two feet.

These two relatives are behaving atrociously. Entitled & spoilt.

You need to give them a date by which you expect them to be moving into their own accommodation and fending for themselves. It will be a really difficult conversation, but you need to have it.

Maybe you could rehearse what you might say on this thread? Or get some feedback about what house rules you could establish until they leave eg. They need to contribute to the household costs even in a token way. And that you will make available what food/drink is for everyone, and what is yours, not to be touched by anyone else - your DH and DC don't snaffle all your chocolate, for example.

You're being too polite for these people. It's hard when you're a polite, generous & hard-working person yourself.

Good luck !!

Get rid!

Charge them rent for board and lodging, they’ll soon the message.

Yikes - you seem to have some big time boundary issues. Please, if nothing else, use this as an opportunity to address those - you will be happier in the long term.

One has to wonder what ground rules you established before they arrived? Did you give them a time limit? Did you tell them they needed to contribute in terms of rent and food? If they are from overseas do they actually even have permission to work in the UK??? Or are they just using you as an extended vacation home?

Sadly you're going to have to put your foot down now - it would have been easier to do this before they arrived but that' ship has sailed.

Tell them exactly when they need to leave. Tell them how much they need to be contributing in terms of food/chores/bills until the date they need to leave. And make very sure that they are not using your name/address etc to sign up for any kind of debts/credit cards etc etc. Oh, and get yourself some lockable storage and put your special food in it - and tell them that if they want treats and booze that they need to buy it themselves.

Ideally get yourself some therapy and ask yourself why you put yourself in situations like this in the first place? Do you often find you are too agreeable and end up in situations where you feel you are being taken advantage of? Do you have trouble establishing boundaries? All very treatable if you are willing to put in the work and to confront your problems and the reasons why you act in the ways that you do.

I think your guests are behaving atrociously. You can set ground rules but you shouldn't have to, it's one of those incredibly frustrating situations where people don't behave as they should and therefore you have to step out of your comfort zone to put it right but even if you tell them they will still be the kind of person who thought it was ok to help themselves to lots of expensive food and not contribute and not bother to work hard.

Anyone in the guest's situation should know not to continually take expensive food without contributing, to get a job asap to stop being a burden, and to help out around the house wherever possible in the mean time. They know they're being allowed to stay in order to give them a helping hand towards a better life, not to relax on an extended holiday while OP slaves for their luxuries. Ridiculous.

I think your conversation needs to be really specific OP - they need to earn x amount by x date and if they are not doing so they need to return home.

Amanda Holden's advice is very good, but OP is still clearly going to find it difficult to implement. Like any other unpleasant thing that has to be done, you are just going to have to do it. Look at it like a chore which you really hate but which has to be completed.

FREE ADVICE:

A tried and true method for presenting this conversation -
(a) tell them what you are about to tell them
(b) tell them
(c) tell them what you just told them

In practice, this is what this looks like -
(a) I want to talk to you about the current living situation
(b) this isn't working. you have no jobs, you are not contributing anything to the very real cost of living here, and you have had 10 weeks to get your act together. You either get a job this week and start contributing, or you go home.
(c) So just to be clear, this situation cannot continue. I will leave you to think about it and we will talk again tomorrow to see what you have decided to do.

Then get up and walk away from the table.

This method is genuinely the best way to present any kind of information, good or bad. Try it. It works.

I agree, Doomygloomy, except that if the "visitors" are simply pisstakers they may not change their attitude even then

I say "visitors" because despite being asked several times OP hasn't clarified whether this really is a visit or something they intend to be permanent, and while it's great that previous ones have behaved much better it's not really relevant since people don''t possess a hive mind

Hopefully it can be resolved with some straight talking, but if OP's not prepared to do even that I'm not sure what else to suggest

Have the conversation. It appears you’re terrified to do it .
Until you tell them your expectations they won’t adapt and therefore you are the issue here that continues this problem.

you have been kind, given them a chance and now it’s time to have the talk and say - we can’t afford to support you and therefore you have x weeks left here.

You need to be brave now.

Well the OP 'thanked' me for my last post to her - so she didnt find it condescending.

I haven't said to deal with anything 'harshly' I have said to use her words calmly and assertively to express her specific expectations of behaviour in her home.

Everyone has different preferences - anyone in my home is welcome to help themselves to any food from the communal fridge - I would not expect them to decifer between ham and salmon or chicken or beef or tomatoes and asparagus - that would be silly - but I would not be happy at all with accessing my gin - and I would say so if this happened.

Calm communication is all that is required.

Your kids are presumably my breaking up soon op for the long summer holidays?

wtf?

Are you and / or family having to share a bathroom with them?

Do you all sit down to eat together at end of the day?

Cosy then!

The op will know the “culture” and the personalities of the people involved better than random strangers
so we give advice on the basis of the Information provided and the fact the op seems very clear that this is unacceptable; how it is unacceptable; what is reasonable.

I presume because strangers on the internet are being rude and massively condescending to her. Your previous post fell into that category.

I understand that it's frustrating for some posters when the OP doesn't immediately take people's advice on board and profusely thank them for their input, but there are obviously some cultural differences here and probably a lot of potential fall-out from the relatives overseas if she dealt as harshly with these visitors as some people are recommending.

Just have an honest conversation with them! It will probably be uncomfortable but you are going to end up hating each other at this rate. You shouldn’t have to be hiding or locking away food in your own house end off. They are in the wrong not you, they start contributing end of. If they haven’t moved out by a certain date they arrange to go home. The job market is tough at the moment they definitely need to be less fussy.
By the sounds of it they have been having a nice 10 week break. You have been more than generous.
Did they have any money saved up before the move?