We had the conversation. What has transpired is the existence of a deeply complex co-dependent relationship. This trauma runs quite deep.
They are a couple who, on the outside, appeared to have their sh*t together back in their home country. One half of the couple is a close relative so chucking them out is not an option, and please don’t tell me that it is. I don’t want to be too outing so I can’t really explain this in detail. I am not looking for any further advice, I am just giving an update as somebody asked for one.
person 1, let’s call her Jane, does everything for person 2, let’s call him Andy. They’ve been together since they were very very young. Jane does not realise she shouldn’t be doing everything for Andy. She thinks it’s love. Andy failed his exams at school, Jane deliberately failed her’s etc. so she stayed down an academic year and could help Andy in class.
They moved in together at 16 and looked after Andy’s younger sister too as Andy’s parents are useless. Jane took on a lot of responsibility at a young age. She was doing everything for both Andy and his younger sister but the outside world thought they were doing it together. Andy’s parents knew Jane was doing everything and they pushed the narrative of “that’s what you do when you love someone”. This was convenient for Andy’s parents as they now had no responsibility for any of their children. They divorced and continued being useless with new partners. Andy’s parents have never taken responsibility for anything so suggesting they do is pointless.
Andy is a nice guy but hasn’t got a clue about life. We gave him some jobs to be responsible for… he did them once, he then forgot and now Jane does them. Trying to explain to Jane that it’s not her responsibility is like talking a different language. The co-dependency runs very deep and both are genuinely offended, confused and upset when we try to explain what a normal relationship looks like. They think it’s none of our business if Jane chooses to do everything. In one sense I see that but on the other hand I cannot be present in my house watching this level of laziness and uselessness from Andy. He knows no different and doesn’t really listen to anyone except Jane who doesn’t want Andy to change.
Andy is so conditioned by Jane doing everything that it doesn’t matter how we try to explain, neither of them are seeing the co-dependency as a bad thing.
if they ever split up Andy would be lost. I don’t think they will as Jane is so infatuated. Jane has some family issues that mean her co-dependency is this need to do everything for Andy.
we didn’t realise any of this. Andy’s parents are also manipulative enough that over the years they have said things to us that made it seem like Andy and Jane as a couple are a team. That’s the narrative Andy’s parents needed the outside world to see in order to cover up for the fact that they (Andy’s parents) are so selfish and useless, and Jane was essentially doing their job.
We thought they were quite sociable people, and they’d both make friends here in new jobs etc. They are sociable but only ever go out together. We didn’t pick this up when we were visiting their home country on holiday.
the job applications were going slowly as they were applying together, and if they did apply separately it was Jane from Andy’s email address. When Andy got a call about work he didn’t come across as very clued-up.
jane had to accept a job because we put pressure on them to contribute to the household. She was called by more then one place and ended up working a few double shifts to almost 15 hours in total some days. Jane is switched-on and a good worker. She will have no trouble holding down a job in a cafe until she finds something better. However Andy just sits at home waiting for Jane to finish her very long shifts. He even forgot to do the tasks we gave him.
it is a very very sad situation to see. They are a couple who have an opportunity to come to a European country, work hard, save some money, travel and broaden their horizons yet they are held back by a co-dependency so deep that they don’t even understand what is wrong. Andy’s parents, to suit their own selfish needs, drummed it into Jane that what she was doing was love. 14 years later I am not sure me and my husband are going to show her otherwise. On a practical level we are not sure if Andy even has the skills to do stuff by himself, and whilst Jane wants to continue the co-dependent relationship, he will never be forced to do so.
we have pushed them to contribute a set amount each week for bills and food, and set ground rules about snacks and alcohol that they are following. However it’s Jane taking care of all of this.
the problem is now something quite different and not something I think will be easy to resolve without some difficult conversations.
I’m not looking for any more advice, thank you. I just wanted to give an update.