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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think no one is that busy

113 replies

Monknk · 29/06/2025 12:27

My brother visits our parents once a year, around Christmas. Aside from this it's a weekly phone call once a week, mainly to stop our mother from bothering him.
When he visits,
he comes out with the usual, "I wish I could visit more but I'm just too busy."
This week my mother fell and hurt herself at home. She is fairly shaken up and more of the caring burden has fallen on our DF and, to a lesser extent, me.

I feel increasingly resentful of him and my mother because in her eyes, he can do no wrong. He lives an hour away by car and has 1 toddler.

AIBU to think he could make an effort but just cannot be arsed.

OP posts:
UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 29/06/2025 13:57

Sharptonguedwoman · 29/06/2025 13:24

How can anyone just 'do less'. If people need you, they need you. Of course it's possible to help remotely such as making appointments and phoning banks. The lack of compassion is stunning.

Show quote history

Hire carers in

Look at a care home

Step back and say "I can only do this, this and this. But you can always call me in an emergency"

It sounds harsh but you can't always give your life up to constantly support someone else

Fourteenandahalf · 29/06/2025 13:57

He isn't busy, he just doesn't want to. He lives an hour away, I commute that daily! He just doesn't care.

Finteq · 29/06/2025 13:54

Mrsbloggz · 29/06/2025 13:02

The more easily he steps away the harder it is for you to not step away.
In other words you are trapped, he knows there's nothing you can do about it and he is milking it.
Unfortunately this tends to be how these things pan out.

She's not trapped.

There is nothing stopping from her from doing the same- apart from her values.

Finteq · 29/06/2025 13:50

greencartbluecart · 29/06/2025 12:30

He is busy
just doing things he wants to do

This

You could do the same.

You'd probably get more recognition from your mum too.

shuggles · 29/06/2025 13:45

@Monknk He may indeed be very busy. But an elderly mother should be very high on the priority list, so he should not be prioritising other things over mum.

TryForSpring · 29/06/2025 13:42

OP isn't saying she does loads; she said DF is shouldering most of the caring.

Original poster
Monknk · 29/06/2025 13:39

MaryGreenhill · 29/06/2025 13:32

Don't your parents see their grandchild at all @Monknk?
That sounds awful for them.
I wonder if your DMum makes excuses for your DB and is fully aware of the way things are .

They rarely get to see him.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 29/06/2025 13:38

I’m not understanding why you are resentful of your brother and not your mother. She’s the one choosing to put him on the pedestal. She’s made him the golden child.

stayathomer · 29/06/2025 13:34

Just read that he has flexibility and wfh. If he was eg a nurse or in retail with kids so kids during the week work at weekend I’d say maybe there’s a chance but that’s terrible if your mum had a fall and he didn’t get over

MaryGreenhill · 29/06/2025 13:32

Don't your parents see their grandchild at all @Monknk?
That sounds awful for them.
I wonder if your DMum makes excuses for your DB and is fully aware of the way things are .

Original poster
Monknk · 29/06/2025 13:31

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 29/06/2025 13:25

Phone calls every other day sounds quite intense.

I wonder what his story about their relationship would be.

Show quote history

This is his second marriage, the breakup from
his first marriage sent him into a deep depression, and our mother has been worried about him ever since.

OP posts:
susanandlucypevensie · 29/06/2025 13:29

He just cba and knows he doesn't have to because you will pick up the slack.

He told her he loves her five times because of the guilt. He does feel guilty but not enough to change his behaviour. Out of sight out of mind. When he hangs up, the guilt disappears until the next time he hears her voice. In the meantime, he enjoys his own life without thinking about either of you.

I've said it on another thread. It wouldn't matter if there were 10 siblings. It always falls on one of you.

I have four siblings and I'm still the one who does everything and it annoys me so much because if we shared equally between the five of us, we'd all have to take very little time out.

It always "yeah, I know I should, I'll do better... but not this weekend because I'm busy getting pissed and not next weekend because it's the dogs birthday and not in six months time because fuck it, I know you'll do it"

It sucks and all I can say is I'm sorry you ended up the one doing it all.

dizzydizzydizzy · 29/06/2025 13:28

I have much the same issue. DM is in her 80s. DB lives 2 hours drive away and never visits. He didn't visit once in 2024 and has only visited once this year because DM was ill and needed care for a week (DB and I did half each. DB has one late teens DC and a DW. He phones DM most days.

I have a chronic illness which makes me very fatigued. In fact it counts as a disability and the DWP has assessed me as too ill to work. Looking after DM for those few days, even though she wasn't very demanding, absolutely finished me off. In fact just visiting her for a few days is pretty knackering. I visit DM more than I want to make up for DB. I also take DM on foreign holidays.

I am getting increasingly resentful and want to request to DB that he visits DM now and again.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 29/06/2025 13:26

Sharptonguedwoman · 29/06/2025 13:24

How can anyone just 'do less'. If people need you, they need you. Of course it's possible to help remotely such as making appointments and phoning banks. The lack of compassion is stunning.

Show quote history

It's not always possible for family to help - that's what paid care is for.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 29/06/2025 13:25

Monknk · 29/06/2025 13:19

He phones every Sunday because my mother used to phone him every other day and he was too busy to speak to him.
They used to visit but haven't been able to lately as DH has gone down hill and isn't able travel even an hour. She has fallen several times and is now housebound. She will occasionally walk in the garden with the frame, and that is the extend of her activity.

Show quote history

Phone calls every other day sounds quite intense.

I wonder what his story about their relationship would be.

Sharptonguedwoman · 29/06/2025 13:24

Ihavepaidalotforthisstory · 29/06/2025 12:33

Sounds like you need to do less but instead of doing less you resent your brother.

How can anyone just 'do less'. If people need you, they need you. Of course it's possible to help remotely such as making appointments and phoning banks. The lack of compassion is stunning.

Happyhettie · 29/06/2025 13:21

The prodigal son. It’s the same with my brother. No advice to give but sending solidarity.

Original poster
Monknk · 29/06/2025 13:19

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 29/06/2025 13:15

He cannot be arsed. Today, when he phoned, he told our mum that he loves her x 5 times. I think, if you love someone, you can take 3 hours every few months, to come and check up on them.

Do your parents ring or visit him?

He phones every Sunday because my mother used to phone him every other day and he was too busy to speak to him.
They used to visit but haven't been able to lately as DH has gone down hill and isn't able travel even an hour. She has fallen several times and is now housebound. She will occasionally walk in the garden with the frame, and that is the extend of her activity.

OP posts:
pottylolly · 29/06/2025 13:17

Do less for your parents. Make them ask him to do more. I know people who live in Australia who do more for and visit their parents in the UK more than your brother does!

WhatNoRaisins · 29/06/2025 13:16

I agree OP, a feeling of love that doesn't motivate you to action is worthless.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 29/06/2025 13:15

He cannot be arsed. Today, when he phoned, he told our mum that he loves her x 5 times. I think, if you love someone, you can take 3 hours every few months, to come and check up on them.

Do your parents ring or visit him?

Mrsbloggz · 29/06/2025 13:04

neverbeenskiing · 29/06/2025 12:54

Have you tried talking to him about it? What would happen if you told him that it's becoming a struggle for you and your DF and he needs to step up a bit and visit more often?

Don't waste your breath talking to him, he will just make whatever noises he feels like making and continue to not help at all.
The only way that you will win here is to engineer things such that he has no choice but to step up.
(I'm not sure how this can be achieved)

NuffSaidSam · 29/06/2025 13:03

He could make time if he wanted.

He doesn't want to.

That doesn't speak well of his character imo, but then I don't know all the history between him and your parents.

Mrsbloggz · 29/06/2025 13:02

The more easily he steps away the harder it is for you to not step away.
In other words you are trapped, he knows there's nothing you can do about it and he is milking it.
Unfortunately this tends to be how these things pan out.

Iloveeverycat · 29/06/2025 12:59

greencartbluecart · 29/06/2025 12:30

He is busy
just doing things he wants to do

This. I have 2 like this and they don't even work.

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