To think no one is that busy

i agree except for arranging carers. OPs parents can do that for themselves.

If you have elderly parents though and you live too far away to physically pop in, I think every other day is pretty sensible to check all is well.

He has other priorities. Ultimately why this is, is none of your business. You can’t make him help. Whether he helps/visits or not, has nothing to do with what you agree to do/when you visit, etc. If you are resentful about doing too much, then choose to do less.

You can't make him do more. When your parents think the sunshines out of him for doing nothing. You do loads and get taken for granted. Ive been there.

He does what he wants to do. You need to do likewise and not look to him to act like you. If you want to do less for your parents, arrange for carers and so forth. You can moan about him to let off steam by all means but you're only going to wind yourself up by thinking there's some way you can change him. He does love your mum, in his own way, which doesn't involve showing up/doing stuff. He's busy with his own life and doesn't want to do any more than he does. Leave him to it and focus on what you can control - what you do or don't do.

Sounds like my brother when my mother was terminally ill, hardly ever visited, left all the funeral arrangements to me, etc. Mum thought he was the best and everything he did was wonderful.
I think with him, he couldn't cope with his parent ill and aging and took the head in the sand option, knowing that there was someone else (muggins) to do all the unpleasant stuff
YANBU op, your brother is either a lazy bustard or a big baby.

This.

i have friends who are a bit like this. They’re ALWAYS busy but when you drill into it they’re busy doing things that could be moved/shifted/not done for a couple of weeks.

I also have friends who both (husband and wife) attend kids parties together/go shopping together etc. I don’t get that but each to their own but I could start a thread on why on earth it takes two.

How far away do you all live from each other?

Busy and selfish.
There is no excuse with that behaviour.
I live in a different country to my parents and see them much more than just once per year at Christmas. He’s completely thinking about himself not your parents.

Yeah, it’s particularly bad as he only lives an hour away. Even 2 or 3 visits a year would probably make a big difference to your parents and would be no skin off his nose.

His version of busy isn't the same as yours.

I had cousins too busy to visit or do anything for our DGM and yet she thought they were wonderful. Very busy people with jobs, a wife and DC. Me though not at all busy with a demanding job and a single parent.

Drop the rope if you can and then maybe they will see everything you do.

An hour away? That’s pathetic.

Saying that, we had a similar situation in our family. When the brother used to visit, dh and I called it The Royal Visit’ .

This.

People generally find time to do what they want to do. He doesn't want to. Chances are you just don't know why.

Many people are extremely busy but it’s about priorities.

If he wanted to he would find the time but he isn’t bothered

i don't live in the same country as my sibling and i see my mum way way way more than they do. I speak to her weekly, and usually visit for a week at least 4 times a year (i use all my annual leave to do this)

Mum will say things on the phone like "oh my grass needs cutting, i'll get sibling to come up and do it" but we both know that the next time it gets cut either she'll have somehow managed it or i will be over and do it. She excuses sibling with "well, they have their mother-in-law there to look after" and i just want to scream. Sibling lives about an hour by car - a car that i suggested my mum give them when she was no longer able to drive it. For me it was a way of getting the car off her without making her feel bad. Does sibling visit more? No.

So i now just view it as though there is mum, her own siblings (who are... useless although one did drive over immediately when i couldn't reach her by phone) and me. And that is it. I have taken sibling out of the equation in my mind, and i do what i can from where i am. And that is it. It makes me really bloody angry but it is what it is.

Also sending solidarity - my brother never visits, didn't bother when both DM and DF were in hospital (separate hospitals),I work full-time, he does not, and in my case he doesn't even phone. He is still the golden child though and they would give him their last penny while taking money from me! I have poor boundaries.

It's up him how often he visits but your mum is the one who had put him on a pedestal and thinks the sun shines out of his backside while he does nothing to help her and you are providing all the support.

Have you ever raised this with her?

The more you do the less you will be thought of....less is more as they say...give him a call and tell him he needs to step up...my sibling lives 2 hours away , hardly visits, weekly call and you guessed it..can do no wrong. Nothing you do will ever be seen as enough. Best of luck.

Then she is trapped by her values isn't she!

People use ‘I’m busy’ as an excuse. It’s so obvious that what they’re too busy to do means it’s not a priority for them.

They'll never admit they need help so long as their adult children keep sacrificing their own lives, though. OP needs to start saying no.

Absolutely this and I agree. The problem: getting parents to admit they need help and pay for it.

He doesn't have to indulge that worry, though.

Honestly, it just sounds like you resent him for having boundaries.

This is when you need to cut back and say "I can't stay for days at a time because it's not healthy for me"

Don't take her on forgein holidays, take her away for a few days in this country

Yeah it sounds like he can't be arsed!
We only get one mother and one father! He will be sorry one day!