To think no one is that busy

Just wondering how you know in detail so much re call length, frequency, detail .. same with his visits.

Yeah, same. And I would make excuses to not answer. Tbf that would be true for anyone who called me every other day.

I thought you were going to say he lived in Australia. He definitely needs to make more of an effort.

Every other day, is overbearing. If my mother did that I would dread the sound of my phone.

OP... when my mother was alive I was the youngest of 9 siblings. One lived about 15 miles away from her, one lived about 8 miles away, all the rest including me lived within a 5 mile radius. And I alone did about 95% of whatever she needed done, shopping, medical appointments, going at 10 o'clock at night to put a new light bulb in her bedroom !!!! All the others were "too busy", like your brother. Several used the excuse "you do everything so she doesn't need us to do it". She would get a visit from some of them on birthdays, mother's day and Xmas and they all thought that was their duty done and dusted. So living far away doesn't really matter. Your brother clearly wouldn't bother regardless of location. And to be clear, my mother never appreciated a single thing I did. If I'd suggest she got one of the others to help sometimes she'd be furious and would remind me that they were much busier than me !!! I had a house, a husband, 2 kids and a full time job. I was sucked completely in by then though. And could be guilted. I've learned that lesson !!! I did come to realise that she knew full well they just couldn't be bothered and she didn't like to be reminded of the fact. It left me with huge resentment though, both towards her and all of them. So I'd advise you to pull back as much as you can. Help by all means, but think of yourself too.

He doesn't want to see your parents, it got nothing to do with him being busy.

Another one in a similar position here. I live 10 mins from my ailing DM and DF and provide a lot of practical and emotional support.
DB lives in Scotland ( we're in Ireland) and phones them about once every 4 weeks. His wife told me last year they couldn't afford the plane fare over here but a few months ago, the whole family were away on a long haul trip.
His lack of involvement has caused me and DF massive hurt over the years. But he remains DM's golden child who can do no wrong.
I like to think I've accepted it but don't deny, there are times still when it hurts.
Sending you solidarity. Thank you for starting this thread - it has helped me to realise Im not alone ❤️

Those were two separate posts and OP has not said that the frequent calls were due to the depression. You are reaching to link two facts together to justify condemning the brother for not doing more, when really OP should stop martyring herself and do less.

@Monknk He knows her condition but genuinely cannot be arsed. I'm here and our father is in good nick, so he cannot be bothered to lift a finger. no doubt he will make sure he is there for the will!!!

Yes, it's about prioritizing, but the OP has said that her mother used to call him every other day.

she went on to say that it was because he had been depressed (maybe suicidal?)

i don't think that's too much. And clearly she no longer does that, maybe as a result of a conversation with him?

I am going against the grain here.

Yes, it's about prioritizing, but the OP has said that her mother used to call him every other day. The Sunday call is a compromise, same with the visit once a year. OP's mother sounds very intense, suffocating and tries to be over involved in his life. This would drive most people crazy and make any sort of mutual loving relationship impossible.

In his shoes I would also keep it at maintenance calls and visits, because I would not want a relationship closer than that. The only alternative is to cut contact altogether. OP's mother is not giving the son any opportunity to want a relationship with her.

As for caring responsibilities, neither OP nor her brother are responsible for that and without a close relationship, there is no insensitive to do it except for FOG. This is not love.

He’s busy being an arse.

@Monknk an hour?? ye gods, my dh will travel more than that to do one 5 minute job then drive all over the rest of fife or up to the trossachs for jobs and he is 71!!! fuck all wrong with your bro! my dh drives regularly 300 miles per day! why dont you take a drive and catch him out one day when he is "too busy"???? he gets holidays and public holidays! we used to drive further than that on a pub crawl. (my dh never drank but I did)

as usual a lot of pp will come in with "well my parents were utter fuckers who neglected me so fuck 'em"

but that doesn't appear to be the case here.

Having said that: children didn't ask to be born, and they are not your old-age care plan. (although: when a lot of us who are now expected to step in for elderly parents were born, there was a much better structure in place for elderly people)

The only thing anyone can do is accept that siblings may not be prepared to (want to) support your parents. You do not have to step into that void.

But then how can she feel superior to him?

Put your foot down. Don't ask questions or listen to excuses. He needs to step up and help regardless of his 'busy' life. Why do we pander to these people? For every caring person there is another skiver. It needs to be reversed.

Just what I was thinking! Seen it many times sadly!

He'll not be 'too busy' when the time comes that there is inheritance involved, he'll leave skid marks on the tarmac!

He phones every Sunday because my mother used to phone him every other day and he was too busy to speak to him.

That is a lot and I would be interested to hear your brothers side of the story. Quite often there are reasons adult children have to draw boundaries with their parents. There’s a few threads on here by a lady who was harassing her son every day ringing him and expecting a lot from her son and I imagine he will go the same way as your brother and visit once a year if she carries on.

The irony is if you said you are too busy they'd call you out on it.

The hypocracy is startling.

Drives me mad when people say they love you and their actions say other wise

Ha - he's a lazy fecker isn't he. Taking the easy way.

My uncle is the same. Couldn't do any wrong and my mother went to 4 days a week so she could care for her parents despite living 2 hours away. He, as a man, couldn't possibly make the shorter journey to see them or take any time off from his job. Luckily my grandparents realised what a nasty piece of work he is before they died.
The whole family is now NC with him so he's lost out.

Is it possible that his wife is controlling and won't let him visit, or makes it difficult to do so? Is he possibly anxious about driving?

Well good for you. Everyone’s different.