AIBU to expect more from my DDs private prep school ?

Honestly, as both a teacher and a mum, please relax.

Your daughter is 5 years old! You say she is advanced in reading and Maths - brilliant, there are some areas where she is emerging- also fine, she will get there. Children develop at different paces, the main thing at this stage is that she is happy.

School probably haven't said anything about emerging areas as they know she will get there, but, if going forward you would like to know sooner, ask them.

FWIW, my son is coming to the end of Y6 at our village (state) primary. He has absolutely thrived there - happy, made friends and had a great experience.
He too has always been advanced in reading and Maths. In reception and KS1, he struggled with writing- had the ideas but struggled to get it on paper.

He is now at greater depth in writing! It just took time. Flew through his SATS and passed the entrance exam for a local grammar school.

The point is, she will get there, but putting so much pressure on at such a young age will do nothing except destroy her confidence and love of learning.

That's great then. So why do you want her pushed up a year?

Your poor DD, she's 5yrs old and you want her pushed harder at school? Your not happy that the work isn't advanced enough or that she's not flying through the school years.

Are you aiming for her to do her GCSEs at 11yrs? It sounds like she has a lifetime ahead of you telling her how much you have paid and what a disappointment she is 🙁

Omg, your child is 5. The most important thing she can be doing right now, developmentally, is playing. I say this as a parent wuth two children at different prep schools. Get worried if things aren’t happening by year 2. They are so little in reception and frankly even in year 1. There is so much time for formal
learning! I find good prep schools are very conservative with academic reports in reception and year 1. I think they have the long game in mind and know that pushing from
day 1 can really have a negative impact on a child’s lifelong love of learning

She’s not being kept down a year. I just meant that she’s exceeding, she could be moved up sooner.

But the school says she's emerging!!-which is it?

Whilst I agree she sounds very pushy please don’t tar all private school parents with the same brush!

Cross post with @EnidSpyton. She is spot on in what she wrote.

Your daughter is young, but it sounds like she may struggle academically. The end of reception is absolutely the appropriate time to start making you aware of this. If the school had raised this any earlier, they would be accused of not even giving her a chance to settle in etc etc

Fwiw private school is still just school - it's not intensive individual tuition. If your daughter is not keeping up with the pace of the class then you may need to consider paying (even more) for individual support. It's an unusual and extreme step to keep a child back a year.

Ffs, you sound like a lunatic

I’m sorry you sound a nightmare pushy mum - you need to calm down or your child will really be in a mess by teenage years. If she’s really that brilliant you could push the school for more challenging stuff eg my boys’ prep had a maths club all years could go to if invited (ie if they were ahead in maths and needed stretching) but in terms of English stretch that cones with reading, of your doing museum trips etc at weekends. But frankly, I think your attitude will eventually be counter-productive.

😂😂

Private school teacher here, but much older kids. The report is probably bland and generic because the teacher(s) don't want to gave to deal with parental complaints. It happens all the time if a teacher is unwise enough to state that little Johnny is less than perfect 😐

I’m a teacher.

It’s perfectly normal that a child will be emerging in some areas. Some skills take longer to embed than others and particularly in younger children, physical development and emotional maturity have a huge role to play in their intellectual development. Neither of those things can be fast tracked or improved with extra work at home. You just have to let them grow and develop at the pace that their body and mind are growing and developing.

You also have to appreciate that the aim of school is not to get every child to ‘exceed’. That’s impossible. Most children will never reach that standard and so if teachers had to contact home every time a child didn’t get ‘exceeding’ then they’d never do anything other than email parents. I’m secondary rather than primary and that would be the equivalent of me emailing home every time a child didn’t get 8 or 9 (out of 9) in a GCSE assessment - and that would be most children in my class - for many children, a 5 or 6 is the aim and a huge achievement. Some children just can’t achieve beyond that no matter how hard they try - their brains are not wired that way - and no amount of excellent teaching would make a difference.

You need to manage your expectations of what your child ‘should’ be achieving and ‘should’ be able to do at this point in their life, and relax. School at the pre-prep age is as much about learning to socialise as it is to learn academic subjects, and if your daughter has friends, enjoys school and is cared for by her teachers, then there’s nothing to worry about.

Also, as a private school teacher myself, I do find that a lot of parents have unrealistic expectations about the ‘extras’ you get from teachers through paying fees. Your fees don’t pay for me to have more time in my day and they don’t entitle your child to special treatment. They also don’t mean you have access to me 24/7. My school has actually banned parents from emailing us after 6pm now, as the demands were getting ridiculous. I’m sure the reports you’re receiving are perfectly adequate - if you’re expecting an essay about how wonderful your child is, then you’re not going to get that anywhere. Many schools are insisting on more generic and data focused reports now - ours insists we take out anything emotive or too personal in case it causes offence.

Please relax and let your child enjoy being 5. Give her time to settle and grow. How your child is at home and how they are at school can often be very different and as long as you are doing lots of reading and creative play at home, she will be fine.

Private schools vary massively.

some are very pushy. Others are not.

they are usually very very clear which type they are at the open mornings.

if you wanted a pushy school you should have chosen one. If after a year you regret your decision of school you can try to move her.

Why would you want her moved up sooner instead of with her peers? She’s 5, she doesn’t need to be pushed at this age. I also wonder why you think she should be ahead of other schools because you’re paying? It depends on ability, plenty of children do very well at state school. My dd is in reception at our local primary and she’s doing brilliantly, she learns phonics and maths in small groups at her ability level, the teachers are brilliant and know each child and their strengths and parents evenings are detailed and informative. She’s progressed loads this year. Move schools if you’re not happy.

Your overbearing attitude sounds like you’re best suited to the private school system where your concerns will be taken seriously and any request for a meeting will be taken, and you’ll probably be given tea and refreshments to nibble on while you moan. Does it matter what your daughter needs? Given the focus and tone of your post, it sounds like it probably doesn’t to you.

In state schools they won’t be moved up a year. Unless things have recently changed, they are quite strict on that.
in any case i suggest you speak to the head about your concerns and unless you are happy with the explanation, move her

I think you need to take a breath and remember this is about a FIVE YEAR OLD not an older child. At this stage the reports are deliberately vague. They will get more detailed as you go on - if there are still things she is struggling with at end of Y1 then yes, take a look. This is hothouse mania - sorry to speak frankly. Both my kids did private btw by way of context.

They have informed you how she is doing, they say she is 'emerging'. Why do you think she is very advanced? Emerging isn't advanced, it's working towards the expectations.
How can you say she is very advanced and at the same time say you want to know if she is struggling?
How can you say they have said she is emerging then say you want them to tell you how she is doing?
Your contradicting yourself.

Very few schools move children up. The current thinking is it is best to stretch them where they are and explore existing topics at greater depth.

I have a very bright child finishing year 1 at a state school. Before he started school he had read Enid Blyton and the Hobbit to himself (understood Blyton and a fair bit of the Hobbit!). He could add multiple 4 digit numbers, multiply, tell the time etc. They didn't really get how advanced he was in Reception as it was out of what they were looking for. However he was very much a 4yo in other ways. He learnt plenty in Reception about making friends, navigating social situations, getting himself dressed properly, different topics e.g. life cycle of a butterfly. We stretched his maths and reading at home (because he wanted to). He has been challenged a bit more in year 1. Not as much as he probably could be especially in maths, but I don't worry too much, as I know his maths will easily keep improving as he loves it so much. Feedback became more specific at parents' evening, as they were doing more academic work.

I understand your frustration that you are paying lots and not getting much from the school. It's also confusing for you that you feel she is doing well but is getting emerging. Sometimes it can be hard to mark as expected until the end of the year. There may be a difference in ethos between your expectations and their approach. As others have said, try speaking with parents of older kids. Schooling is a marathon, not a sprint. If she is enjoying learning that will go a long way.

There are so many reasons why this doesn't happen. It certainly doesn't happen in state schools.

I had parents suggest their child should skip reception and go straight to year 1 because they were so ahead. They didn't see the whole class picture like I did.

If your child is emerging in some categories she needs to be in her proper year group and develop those areas. She's clearly not all round ahead of her peers.

I think you need to reset your whole attitude TBH. Poor child is only 5 and you have very high expectations of her and the school, which are counter productive

With my DC, later in school, the mantra has always been "take it seriously and do your best". This has paid off in spades. Focus on effort not results

But for now, focus on "listen to the teachers, learn how to make friends and enjoy learning". And perhaps trust the school staff to do their job?

It’s better for her social wellbeing for her to be educated with her peers, surely?

You’re the sort of parent who will end up making your child hate you and end up with mental health problems or an eating disorder as they are constantly trying to live up to your expectations and never feel good enough.
She is FIVE.
Many countries don’t start full time schooling until 7+ and those children are at the same level, if not higher than the UK, at 18.
At 5 you should be asking yourself if your child is happy at school, if she has made friends, if she has new interests. You should be looking at some hobbies outside school, swimming and maybe another sport. Possibly a musically instrument. Also play dates with friends.
Your “job” as a parent is to nurture your child to become an independent adult who can handle what life throws at her and make her own way in the world. Not just academically but socially and with confidence, kindness and self belief.
Reception is about learning to work alongside and get on with others. It’s not about being pushed at English and maths.
Children mature at different ages and levels, especially in the first few years at school.
My daughter’s friend struggled in reception. She was June born so the school suggested another year in reception. Her parents, also teachers, agreed straight away and didn’t push her at home (obviously they could have done easily). She achieved straight As at A level and is going to a top university to study medicine in September.
If you want to do anything to help then read to your child at home and get her interested in books. Help her with basic maths without her realising - eg get her to share out sweets by counting them and saying how many everyone has, get her to help with a recipe and ask how may teaspoons you need if you are doubling the recipe etc
Get her to help you write a to do list or shopping list “feed cat” “go to park” “milk” , nothing tricky
But above all stop worrying and let her be a child. If you still have the same concerns by the end of year 2 then look to change school but not now. Reception is meant to be play based. You won’t have an accurate idea of the academic standard yet.