to want to know more about OH's infidelity?

I'm so sorry to need to say you should get yourself checked for STD's - she and her sexual partners sound rough as a badgers arse. I hope you get an all-clear but please get checked ASAP.

Sounds like you're going to stay with her - you know she'll cheat again don't you.

Leave her.

I don't think you can get over it, it's not like she's done anything at all to make herself be a bare minimum good person. You know you can't trust her and her choices are not actions of a loving girlfriend.

You get to choose if you want more in life. Who owns the property?

I think knowing the details will just cause more pain. However, I think your partner is completely invalidating your feelings by shutting you down any time you want to know more. It doesn’t sound like she is holding herself accountable or trying to talk things through with you. She has dropped this bombshell, and then left you with that while she carries on with life. That’s cruel!
I don’t know how you can ever move past this, especially with her lack of compassion or accountability in this. She cannot just draw a line and move on. And neither should you allow that.
Sadly it doesn’t sound like she loves or respects you, because you wouldn’t treat someone you love that way.
Sorry you’re going through this.
I don’t know what to suggest, because you mentioned your partner is a woman, I don’t know if you’re a man or woman but if your partner is the primary caregiver of the children, I know this is what makes it even harder for you. If you were the primary caregiver I would 100% say leave that selfish prick! But when you’re not the primary caregiver, I would never tell you to leave your children. So it’s hard. If that’s the situation you’re in, I’m very sorry. I hope she can wake up and do the work that’s needed to repair this heartbreak she’s caused you.

Why did she decide to tell you??? Does she want the relationship to end?

I think it's natural to want to know the details - as you mind tries to process the pain. It is unlikely that knowing more will help with how you feel - but her openness and desire to help you make sense is something that can show you that she is willing to work on the relationship.

Mind you - there are probably questions she will not be able to answer. She might not know why she acted that way - it often requires a level of self awareness that people generally lack.

What do YOU want to do? People do not always breakup after infidelity - many work through it, but it takes time and effort on both sides.

I suppose if they were all really one night stands then it is possible she does not remember all the details. But of course you have every right to ask, to put her on the spot, and to make her explain why it meant so little to her that she cannot remember.

And then you need to discuss whether or not the two of you apparently have very different ideas about what sex means and what fidelity in a marriage means.

A start might be why is she telling you this now?

These sudden confessions out of the blue can happen because an affair partner (or somebody else who knew about the cheating) has threatened to tell.

Knowing the details probably won't help.

If you want to stay together, she needs to figure out why she did this so she won't do it again. You probably need individual and couples' therapy.

Some people need the detail. Sorry but not buying that she doesn’t remember. She does, maybe she is trying to spare you.

Dead easy to say 'dump her' or leave, I suspect it's not that easy with kids, and if you've been together 16 years. I know the details are important to you even though they might seem insignificant to her or even she might feel they're more damaging and she might just be trying to protect your feelings. If there's any chance of your relationship surviving though you'll want not just honesty, but openness and candour and that will be uncomfortable for both of you. It might take counselling, and probably many sessions of it before she opens up. She might never open up, but it's promising what she's told you already, it must mean she wants you to know, maybe just doesn't want to hurt you any more.

But I don't underestimate how hurt you are. My now ex OH eventually ended our relationship of a quarter century many many years, and two grown up kids after my infidelity because he just never got over it, largely because I couldn't give him the details he wanted and the trust was destroyed.

Put yourself and your feelings first though for now, if it means being away from her for the time being then do it, but try (as hard as is) to be rational, take counselling for yourself first, then maybe as a couple. Good luck.

What details do you need?
3x times tells you everything. She will do it again, btw!

Either you leave or you accept to live like that🤷‍♂️

She would just lie. You need to take some power back and see a lawyer. This is not a nice person. I’m sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like she is a Lying Liar Who Lies.

She’s lied for years, why would you trust that she is being honest now? Even if she does give details, could you believe what she says?
Why has she confessed now? Did you catch her or did she confess to you out of nowhere? I would be wary about her motives. It seems odd that she’s gotten away with this multiple times for numerous years and then suddenly decided to tell you… and she’s going about her life just fine so it’s clearly not guilt or remorse that got her to confess.

Kick her out. She has betrayed you and doesn't deserve to be in the house with you and the children. Tell her that when she gets somewhere stable to live you'll share custody. Don't make excuses - just put your foot down and get rid.

What do you see as your end goal in all this?

Are you the type to forgive and forget or is cheating the end of the line?

Because depending on what your stance is - depends on your next step.

In all honesty of she is brushing you off, living her best life, it doesn't really sound like your high on her priority list.

Personally id be out the door as soon as she had told me. Relationship is done, dead. Im gone, and its all about your personal healing from there on out.

Have you posted about this recently? Whether ONS are worse than a sustained affair? I think you both need counselling, not MN.

Really feel for you OP. I’d be livid if this happened and especially if DH was just cracking on with his life as if nothing had happened.

If the details matter to you on order to move on then you need to discuss those with her. If you want the details only to torture yourself further or go after the third party then maybe they’re best avoided. I personally would not want further details. What I would want is to know why they confessed now, and why they did it at the time. The who doesn’t really matter.

What Id want to know would also depend on what I hope happens next. Apology, counselling, some repentance? Do you both agree you want to work on the relationship? Do you as an individual think you can get past it?

The details won't help, of anything they will give you more to obsess about.

It's a simple as she has wrecked your marraige, there's no trust or respect in it anymore. Splitting up and trying to co-parebt the best you can is really the only option that will help you.

Please get some counselling to help you with this.

Leave her - she doesn't deserve you.

It's normal to want to know the details (I did) but actually it doesn't help at all. You know all you need to know - your OH is regularly unfaithful.

Would you not rather dump her and be happy? You can parent your kids 50% of the time and enjoy life without some repeatedly cheating girlfriend draining you.

Jesus, why did she tell you? You say OH, are you married or not? This is going to drive you mad, she’s shat on everything you share and the life you thought you had together. Split up, now, and start your new life.

How will details help? If she told you she’d slept with (insert random names here) all on nights out, she just nipped back to their place, would that make the hurt go away or make it easier for you to get over?

It isn’t going to help you in the slightest to know the details. All that matters is that she cheated on you three times. You need to separate. She’s treated you like absolute shit and she’ll continue to do so.

What details do you want to know? If my DH confessed to having at least 3 ONS that would be enough detail for me to know that I need to leave.