to want to know more about OH's infidelity?

MelBrookesMyHero · 2025-06-28T22:43:24+00:00

I'm posting cos I just have to get this all off my chest somewhere, I don't have anyone else I can share it with, it's brewing up inside and I just need to vent. It's been 6 weeks since my OH of nearly 16 years confessed to having 3 (at least) ONS's in the past 5 years. She's sorry, so she says, but going about her life pretty much as normal, while I am just utterly dysfunctional, literally struggling to do the mundane but essential daily stuff. Beyond saying who and when I can't get any detail, I'm told it doesn't matter or she can't remember bullshit. It's driving me mad, quite literally circulating through my mind 24/7, is this what happens? Or is it just me? Is it unusual to want to know more? AIBU to think she should share the details?

MyMilchick · 11/07/2025 11:01

MelBrookesMyHero · 10/07/2025 21:54

Sorry to keep coming back on here, but still no one I can tell or talk to. Not shared it with anyone in person and don't know any other way of getting it off my chest. It's been nearly two months since OH confessed to at least 3 ONS in 5 years. Still she wont discuss it except on her terms, says she can't remember most of the details which is just bullshit. She's carrying on as if it's nothing. I'm bottling it up trying desperately to act normal, not least for the kids but just to seem normal to the outside world. They and she now saying how much we're all looking forward to going on holiday in a few weeks and the things we're going to do as a family, while I'm thinking is it me that's insane, the thought of driving for hours playing happy families but all the while thinking and visualising her shagging a stranger on the backseat of our car as she did.

I'm obsessing 24/7, I managed to work out who two of the three (at least) are (and after I did she admitted it was them), and I'm mortified when I realise I've been at her work and social events with one of them (her colleague), and around the time they were doing it as well and many times since, me sitting there having a drink and chat with this guy on more than one occasion. Now I feel like a total mug for not realising. She says yes she brought him back to our (old) house, but reckons they didn't do it there, just at his place. I struggle to believe that's true, but anyway, does it matter? She brought him back to our house, while I was away with work! And me calling and getting no answer or straight to voicemail and thinking nothing of it other than hoping she was okay. What am I meant to make of that, whether they did it there or not? Am I meant to say "how jolly decent of you dear"?

I don't know how much longer I can keep up the facade for the sake of the kids or otherwise. We're due to go on holiday soon and there is just no way I can face it.

Part of me wants to play the long game, plan ahead and f'ck off the minute the youngest is old enough, 18/21 maybe? But that's a few years away. In the meantime I don't want the kids to feel any hurt at all, by me, OH or towards either of us. They love their Mum quite rightly. So do I (maybe not quite so rightly), but this pain, grief, humiliation, confusion, devastation, when does it end?

So sorry, I know there's worse things in the world, but it doesn't feel like it right now.

OP, the cheating is bad enough but the way she's acting, imo is even worse, making you feel like you're going insane for thinking it's a big deal and carrying on with no remorse or acceptance of what she's done. Honestly I don't see away over this if she won't even take proper responsibility here for her actions. That is no way for you to live.

Devianinc · 10/07/2025 22:28

Jk987 · 10/07/2025 22:18

Never speak again? They have 2 kids together!

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Jk987 · 10/07/2025 22:18

Devianinc · 28/06/2025 23:53

It sounds a little insane to push off as something that doesn’t matter. That’s a big matter in a marriage. I think I’d leave and never speak to her again, ever.

Never speak again? They have 2 kids together!

PlainJaneBrain · 10/07/2025 22:03

Didimum · 10/07/2025 22:00

You need to get over to Surviving Infidelity website. Knowing the details is very often a crucial step to reconciliation. I doubt she’s ’sparing you’. More likely she is saving herself and also rug sweeping. If you are ever, ever to reconcile from this (and statistically it’s unlikely unfortunately) you need 100% integrity and commitment to the process – especially her.

Agree with this, knowing is everything, concealing is deceiving and every bit a part of the infidelity. Sadly I learned the hard way.

Didimum · 10/07/2025 22:00

You need to get over to Surviving Infidelity website. Knowing the details is very often a crucial step to reconciliation. I doubt she’s ’sparing you’. More likely she is saving herself and also rug sweeping. If you are ever, ever to reconcile from this (and statistically it’s unlikely unfortunately) you need 100% integrity and commitment to the process – especially her.

Original poster

MelBrookesMyHero · 10/07/2025 21:54

Sorry to keep coming back on here, but still no one I can tell or talk to. Not shared it with anyone in person and don't know any other way of getting it off my chest. It's been nearly two months since OH confessed to at least 3 ONS in 5 years. Still she wont discuss it except on her terms, says she can't remember most of the details which is just bullshit. She's carrying on as if it's nothing. I'm bottling it up trying desperately to act normal, not least for the kids but just to seem normal to the outside world. They and she now saying how much we're all looking forward to going on holiday in a few weeks and the things we're going to do as a family, while I'm thinking is it me that's insane, the thought of driving for hours playing happy families but all the while thinking and visualising her shagging a stranger on the backseat of our car as she did.

I'm obsessing 24/7, I managed to work out who two of the three (at least) are (and after I did she admitted it was them), and I'm mortified when I realise I've been at her work and social events with one of them (her colleague), and around the time they were doing it as well and many times since, me sitting there having a drink and chat with this guy on more than one occasion. Now I feel like a total mug for not realising. She says yes she brought him back to our (old) house, but reckons they didn't do it there, just at his place. I struggle to believe that's true, but anyway, does it matter? She brought him back to our house, while I was away with work! And me calling and getting no answer or straight to voicemail and thinking nothing of it other than hoping she was okay. What am I meant to make of that, whether they did it there or not? Am I meant to say "how jolly decent of you dear"?

I don't know how much longer I can keep up the facade for the sake of the kids or otherwise. We're due to go on holiday soon and there is just no way I can face it.

Part of me wants to play the long game, plan ahead and f'ck off the minute the youngest is old enough, 18/21 maybe? But that's a few years away. In the meantime I don't want the kids to feel any hurt at all, by me, OH or towards either of us. They love their Mum quite rightly. So do I (maybe not quite so rightly), but this pain, grief, humiliation, confusion, devastation, when does it end?

So sorry, I know there's worse things in the world, but it doesn't feel like it right now.

OP posts:

TaborlinTheGreat · 05/07/2025 10:35

The reason you should leave is not just that she deceived you, it's that her lack of genuine remorse, and sympathy for you over what she's done, show how little she cares about you and demonstrate what kind of person she is underneath her nice, civilised exterior. She's not going to turn into a better person or a more caring partner - her attitude since her revelations shows that very clearly. Staying for the children, or because you still have feelings for her, is going to end badly. You can't avoid the messy fallout from this, you would only be delaying the inevitable.

Notreallyme27 · 05/07/2025 10:03

Don’t apologise for posting, keep talking! You’re in survival mode right now but it won’t last forever. You will get through this. Google ‘Betrayal trauma’, it’s a very real thing and it helps to know that your feelings aren’t unique or abnormal.

Your whole life has been turned upside down. Your DW isn’t who you thought she was. That is an enormous head fuck. At some point you will have to decide whether you want to continue with the person she actually is, but you don’t need to make that huge decision right now. There’s no rush.

Self-care is such a wishy washy phrase, but that’s what you need, however that looks to you. Take yourself off somewhere if you need to, reach out to family and friends, sort out some counselling, and go easy on yourself.

You will go through the trauma cycle of constant obsessing, it is absolutely shit but it won’t last forever. Therapy will help you come to terms with it. Keep checking in here to let us know how you’re doing. I hope you start to feel better very soon.

Original poster

MelBrookesMyHero · 05/07/2025 09:51

Thanks for all the comments, even some of the ones that are a bit nasty looking, they\re all helpful in a way to understand common thinking about these things. I'm sorry for keeping coming back to MN, but I literally have no one I can tell or talk to about it so I am probably just venting or thinking out loud on here.

I just wonder will I ever get over the shock of it all, I feel in shock pretty much all of the time. The circumstances (which I'm just too embarrassed to share right now), I just find really shocking, particularly two of them. Quite aside from being unfaithful I just never imagined she had it in her.

To all appearances she's a middle class, well brought up, stable, educated professional, sociable, polite, likeable normal person. Kind, interesting, empathetic, compassionate, a terrific parent etc. I do still really love her for all of that among other attributes. But the circumstances of her infidelity are like complete Jekyll and Hyde. Seedy, devious, extreme, dangerous.

I now think the person I thought I knew all these years, I just don't know her.

I think back to good times in our relationship, shared experiences etc, but now they're all at least tinged, if not ruined by thinking what was she really up to, concealing or even just thinking about without revealing.

Yes there's a big part of me just wants to leave and break all ties, but I'm not convinced it'll stop me thinking about it obsessively like I am. And, at the moment at least, I just can't get my head around the practicalities. Added to that our eldest will be going into GCSE year and I can't imagine the effect on them.

For now, how do I cope with the shock?

OP posts:

MuckFusk · 01/07/2025 00:45

MySweetMaggie · 30/06/2025 12:43

Is it possible she has a sex addiction? That's a lot of times to cheat, and she's possibly not told you of all the times she's cheated. I'm sorry this happened to you and that you're suffering. I remember when my husband was writing to other women, when I'd just had my baby and he was telling them I wouldn't have sex with him, and asking to meet up with them. I was devastated and felt so isolated, like I couldn't talk to anyone. Infidelity really hurts.

True sex addiction is quite rare and much more extreme than that. It would more likely be three times a day. That's how bad it is.
The pop-psych version of "sex addiction" is a con used to sell books, therapy and expensive therapeutic retreats for couples. There's no reliable evidence that any of it works.

MuckFusk · 01/07/2025 00:39

As for what to tell the kids if you do decide to leave, do it in an age appropriate way. If they're little you can just say your feelings are so hurt by something she did that you can't forgive her. Don't lie to them, but they don't need to know the gory details. As the get older they may want to know more. It's up to you to decide to protect her from them knowing or not to, but even if you do, don't lie. Your kids have to be able to trust you. You could just say you'd rather not discuss it.

MuckFusk · 01/07/2025 00:31

OP, I'll tell you how you get over it, but it's the same answer as you've already gotten about what to do. You leave and give yourself the peace you need to recover. Otherwise you will never regain that trust, especially considering she refuses to even make an effort and seems to be callously ignoring your pain, which is a solid indicator she'll do it again. You'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop the rest of your marriage.
It may be hard and you may still have feelings, but those feelings with dissipate when you have been away from her long enough. I know it isn't easy but trust me your life with a remorseless serial cheater will be harder. Take the time now to improve your financial situation if you can. You can still have your kids 50% of the time if you break up.

Btw, it's a safe bet she fucked that guy in the marital bed on that occasion. It's something remorseless cheaters get a thrill from doing. Sometimes they don't even change the sheets and get caught that way. Oh, the stories I've heard.
But you don't need to believe me about all this, just check out the thousands of posts in the archives of chumplady.com, which is probably the world's largest dataset on what living with a cheater is like, what life is like after leaving and the vile things cheaters do (like sex in the marital bed, and I've seen stories where they did it on the couch while the spouse was sleeping upstairs and even in the children's beds.) The folks there will help you, they're very experienced and empathetic.

Hatty65 · 30/06/2025 16:23

Although she asked if I was okay, not once did she offer to discuss, or offer and reasoning or anything. It was like, "where's the car keys", "what did you have for your tea" etc.
I just don't know what to do or say, where to go.

I would say to her bluntly, 'No. I'm not ok. I'm trying to process the fact that you have been repeatedly unfaithful to me and whether I still wish to have any kind of relationship with you. I'm working through things in my head, but it's likely that we are done. You've fucked it. I'm trying to focus on the practicalities of who leaves, how we share 50/50 custody, etc. You've made no attempt to fix it and I assume, having told me, that it's something you'll do again'.

Then walk away. Leave her with that thought. Leave it that you are considering your future alone. And please take time to do so.

Original poster

MelBrookesMyHero · 30/06/2025 16:22

omz · 30/06/2025 16:05

Stop boiling your head about who she's slept with and concentrate on your out - because she'll do it again. Three times isnt a silly mistake, it's a pattern.

She's shown you who she is - believe her. Focus on getting your shit together and leaving / getting her out

I also question why she's suddenly confessed

Believe me I'm trying to get my shit together, I wish I could.

Re the confession, it came about when she'd been out, came home pretty drunk, tried to make love and asked if I'd ever kissed anyone else or been tempted, she said she had and when I pressed I realised that on a weekend before she must have at least got off with someone. She confessed but said initially it was only kissing. I pressed some more and she just said sorry. I stayed up all night and asked her how many times, and she told me 3 in 5 years.

OP posts:

omz · 30/06/2025 16:05

Stop boiling your head about who she's slept with and concentrate on your out - because she'll do it again. Three times isnt a silly mistake, it's a pattern.

She's shown you who she is - believe her. Focus on getting your shit together and leaving / getting her out

I also question why she's suddenly confessed

Original poster

MelBrookesMyHero · 30/06/2025 16:00

MySweetMaggie · 30/06/2025 12:43

Is it possible she has a sex addiction? That's a lot of times to cheat, and she's possibly not told you of all the times she's cheated. I'm sorry this happened to you and that you're suffering. I remember when my husband was writing to other women, when I'd just had my baby and he was telling them I wouldn't have sex with him, and asking to meet up with them. I was devastated and felt so isolated, like I couldn't talk to anyone. Infidelity really hurts.

This occurred to me but I've dismissed it. If it was every week, or if she was on Tinder or something I would think it possible. But it's 3 times in 5 years so she says, so it think the 'thrill' or dare might be something but not an addiction. The more I learn/discover or work out, the worse it gets, but that doesn't stop me wanting the truth. I feel so bloody stupid for not seeing it. Her colleagues must know, her friends, some of who know me. The implausible excuses for not coming home I just believed, and even sympathised and waited on her as if she'd had some sort of terrible overnight experience. I don't want to be scrutinising her every move, now or in the past. But then I think when she was away on this date or that and didn't answer her phone or even let me know she was okay or just text to say goodnight...etc.

I know there's a lot more serious things going on in the world, and many many people with bigger issues and hardship than this. My mind's a tangled mess, I can't even get my head around leaving/separating. My family love her too, my parents, siblings. I can't begin to imagine what they'd think, and then the kids, what on earth would we tell them? They love their Mum, our home, our family life. I can't hold it in for ever and just keep taking to MN to vent.

I took a weekend out last weekend, booked into a hotel for thinking space but it was awful. Although she asked if I was okay, not once did she offer to discuss, or offer and reasoning or anything. It was like, "where's the car keys", "what did you have for your tea" etc.

I just don't know what to do or say, where to go.

OP posts:

Kubricklayer · 30/06/2025 13:01

MySweetMaggie · 30/06/2025 12:43

Is it possible she has a sex addiction? That's a lot of times to cheat, and she's possibly not told you of all the times she's cheated. I'm sorry this happened to you and that you're suffering. I remember when my husband was writing to other women, when I'd just had my baby and he was telling them I wouldn't have sex with him, and asking to meet up with them. I was devastated and felt so isolated, like I couldn't talk to anyone. Infidelity really hurts.

Sex addiction? Don't create excuses for her. Nobody suggests sex addiction when the roles are reversed. She's a cheat plain and simple.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 30/06/2025 13:00

I'd want to know why confess now? What has changed?

MyMilchick · 30/06/2025 12:49

Endofyear · 29/06/2025 08:48

What details do you want to know? If my DH confessed to having at least 3 ONS that would be enough detail for me to know that I need to leave.

Yeah this. What details are you looking for? Better off asking yourself why are you still with her, not only has she cheated on you multiple time but she's acting like nothing happened!

Magicpaintbrush · 30/06/2025 12:43

I'm so sorry OP. I know from personal experience how awful this is to live through, it absolutely consumes you - some people end up with PTSD after being cheated on, I honestly think it's the worst thing you can do to someone you love (or say you love).

It's completely normal to be wondering constantly what the details are, I think most people would. It turns reality on it's head, like your life is a lie and now you don't know what's real anymore. And it messes with all your happy memories, taints them and ruins them. You are only 6 weeks in, that is super raw. But I think knowing the details in many ways only tortures you more. Once you know you can never stop seeing it. It will eat you alive.

The fact that she is being so cavalier about this tells me she's isn't really sorry at all, and has zero comprehension of how much pain she has caused you. Which makes me think she's got very little conscience and has had an empathy bypass. It also makes me think she'd do it again.

To get through something like this as a couple the cheater has be genuinely and deeply remorseful - without that I honestly don't think you can ever move forward. You will always be sleeping with one eye open. You will never be able to trust her, and your life will be miserable. You deserve better than this. She should be begging for forgiveness and really soul searching why she has done this, working on your relationship and pulling out every stop to make you feel safe in the relationship. But she isn't. I'm so sorry. She isn't a good person.

MySweetMaggie · 30/06/2025 12:43

Is it possible she has a sex addiction? That's a lot of times to cheat, and she's possibly not told you of all the times she's cheated. I'm sorry this happened to you and that you're suffering. I remember when my husband was writing to other women, when I'd just had my baby and he was telling them I wouldn't have sex with him, and asking to meet up with them. I was devastated and felt so isolated, like I couldn't talk to anyone. Infidelity really hurts.

Zempy · 30/06/2025 12:34

Well she wants you to shut the fuck up and let her crack on with her duplicitous life.

Most people wouldn’t continue in a relationship in the circumstances you have described. Once the trust is gone, the relationship is over.

Original poster

MelBrookesMyHero · 30/06/2025 12:31

BMW6 · 30/06/2025 12:06

I'm so sorry to need to say you should get yourself checked for STD's - she and her sexual partners sound rough as a badgers arse. I hope you get an all-clear but please get checked ASAP.

Sounds like you're going to stay with her - you know she'll cheat again don't you.

Done all the STD tests etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

MelBrookesMyHero · 30/06/2025 12:30

Everything is in joint names.

OP posts:

HelloCheekyCat · 30/06/2025 12:29

Did you have a previous thread about her? If it was you I think she works away, in which case you will drive yourself mad every time she is away wondering whether she's cheating again
I (luckily) haven't been cheated on but I know from reading lots of threads on here that if it is truly going to be worked through/out you need honesty and true remorse. She sadly doesn't care that you are in turmoil, she just wants you to forget about it so she can carry on doing what she wants.
Splitting up isn't easy but staying together will damage your DC because of the resentment between you two