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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House trashed whilst I was at work

135 replies

Monkey987 · 28/06/2025 20:37

Just want to know what you would do in my situation.
A relative of mine (with mental health concerns) came to my house uninvited and smashed my window in an attempt to get in.
He also destroyed lots of other items in my garden and house.

He's done at least £1000 worth of damage.
I'm torn.
Am I being unreasonable to report them to the police for criminal damage so I can go through my insurance and claim?

Or do I pretend I have no idea how the damage happened.

The relative doesn't have a pot to p**s in. So no point asking them to fix it.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 28/06/2025 22:21

Monkey987 · 28/06/2025 21:53

We've lived here over 10 years so my neighbour fully knew it was our relative and asked them wtf they were doing.

He slept on our sofa for over 6 months about 7 years ago so he's no stranger.

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In which case, you can’t say to the police that you don’t know who did it. As they would most probably ask the neighbour. Unless you are absolutely certain that the police won’t come out, and just give you a crime number. In which case, you will take the cost hit, or your insurance premiums will go up.

Assuming it is DP’s brother, would the in laws pay for the damage if you overlooked it?
i actually think the best thing for everyone would be for BIL to get some help.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/06/2025 22:21

Elsvieta · 28/06/2025 22:19

No victim can insist on charges - the police decide that (based on whether they think they have sufficient evidence etc). But police, definitely.

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You can absolutely insist and pressure the police.

Elsvieta · 28/06/2025 22:19

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/06/2025 22:14

Police. Insist on charges. If family don't support you, try to undermine you, want you to feel sorry for him etc then tell them you are not going to enable him and to shut it or piss off. End of. It's your home ffs.

Edited

No victim can insist on charges - the police decide that (based on whether they think they have sufficient evidence etc). But police, definitely.

BMW6 · 28/06/2025 22:18

Monkey987 · 28/06/2025 21:46

Thanks, sorry I did miss your previous reply.
My neighbours got a ring door camera. Which is how she intervened.
I'm thinking of getting the same. What else would you recommend?

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A ring doorbell won't save your life if he pours petrol through your letter box and throws a match in, for example.

Sorry to be so dramatic but that's why you would be wise to get professional advice on home security. You ought to be taking steps to prevent him gaining any access, not just filming him.

I'd take this very seriously indeed - he isn't sane and your home - or you - are his target.

Elsvieta · 28/06/2025 22:17

Yes, report. Whatever follows will at least be enough to stop him attacking your house again, probably. I mean, maybe not everybody else's house. But probably yours.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/06/2025 22:14

Police. Insist on charges. If family don't support you, try to undermine you, want you to feel sorry for him etc then tell them you are not going to enable him and to shut it or piss off. End of. It's your home ffs.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/06/2025 22:13

You definitely need to call the police.

If the rest of the family are decent people they will be horrified at what they did, sad that it got so bad you had to involve the police but understanding as to why you had to.

If they are enabling excuse makers then whatever happens from now on will all be because you called the police and nothing to do with this relatives behaviour (I am guessing your DP's brother?). Not because they truly believe that it is your fault but because it is a really handy hook to hang all the blame on so that the blame is on you and not him or them.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/06/2025 22:11

Monkey987 · 28/06/2025 22:00

Of course not. I said the same thing to my partner. They can give me £1000 or I call the police.
Obviously then I was made out to be the bad guy 🙄

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By your partner?

Original poster
Monkey987 · 28/06/2025 22:00

saraclara · 28/06/2025 21:58

And how would they feel if it was their house that he'd caused £1,000 of damage to? Have any of them offered to help with the cost of putting it right?

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Of course not. I said the same thing to my partner. They can give me £1000 or I call the police.
Obviously then I was made out to be the bad guy 🙄

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 28/06/2025 21:59

Maybe the family member who think you shouldn’t report it would like to pay for the damage he’s caused.

Definitely report it. It’s not just about this incident, it’s about getting the bigger picture on record.

saraclara · 28/06/2025 21:58

Monkey987 · 28/06/2025 21:44

It's frustrating that we havnt even got some of my partners family members on side.

I can't understand how they still think he's innocent and we should be all forgiving and understanding. 🙄

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And how would they feel if it was their house that he'd caused £1,000 of damage to? Have any of them offered to help with the cost of putting it right?

Original poster
Monkey987 · 28/06/2025 21:53

Leeds2 · 28/06/2025 21:49

Did your neighbour tell you it was your relative, or did you guess from the description? If the latter, did you tell the neighbour that you knew who it was?

We've lived here over 10 years so my neighbour fully knew it was our relative and asked them wtf they were doing.

He slept on our sofa for over 6 months about 7 years ago so he's no stranger.

OP posts:
Summersunshinebliss · 28/06/2025 21:52

Definitely call the police. They didn't stop to think about you when creating the damage.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 28/06/2025 21:52

Call the police. Get a crime number. Claim on the insurance.

Vegandiva · 28/06/2025 21:49

Monkey987 · 28/06/2025 21:44

It's frustrating that we havnt even got some of my partners family members on side.

I can't understand how they still think he's innocent and we should be all forgiving and understanding. 🙄

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Yes, but those other relatives aren’t the ones who got their property trashed so I wouldn’t worry too much about what they think!

Leeds2 · 28/06/2025 21:49

Did your neighbour tell you it was your relative, or did you guess from the description? If the latter, did you tell the neighbour that you knew who it was?

Floatlikeafeather2 · 28/06/2025 21:47

Givenupshopping · 28/06/2025 21:00

If you report it to the police and they bother to come round, they may just speak to your neighbour to see if they saw or heard anything, so I think you should be honest, otherwise you might end up getting yourself in trouble OP.

I was just about to say something very similar to this. Don't lie by omission; it won't go down well if they do decide to investigate.

Original poster
Monkey987 · 28/06/2025 21:46

BMW6 · 28/06/2025 21:43

I don't know if you missed my earlier post, but whether or not you involve the police please do get a professional security company to visit and make your home and safety secure.

Thanks, sorry I did miss your previous reply.
My neighbours got a ring door camera. Which is how she intervened.
I'm thinking of getting the same. What else would you recommend?

OP posts:
FlowerUser · 28/06/2025 21:44

Monkey987 · 28/06/2025 21:38

This was my worry. Like you say there's no point going through insurance.
It's frustrating I'm going to be left paying for some idiots damage either way.

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I think you should report it so the police can get a psychiatric evaluation and probably have the relative sectioned. This might be the best thing for their mental health and a respite for the family.

Original poster
Monkey987 · 28/06/2025 21:44

MyDeftDuck · 28/06/2025 21:41

To make a claim you’ll need a crime number and to get that you need to report this to the police. In addition, this person really does need to learn that destroying someone else’s property is not acceptable, hopefully he’ll get community service and have to help fix the mess he made

It's frustrating that we havnt even got some of my partners family members on side.

I can't understand how they still think he's innocent and we should be all forgiving and understanding. 🙄

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 28/06/2025 21:44

user1473878824 · 28/06/2025 20:38

If your relative is unwell enough to smash windows and cause that much damage yes I would be calling the police.

This.

as usual first reply nails it.

BMW6 · 28/06/2025 21:43

I don't know if you missed my earlier post, but whether or not you involve the police please do get a professional security company to visit and make your home and safety secure.

mindutopia · 28/06/2025 21:43

Absolutely call the police. You need to fix your house and you need a crime reference number, so get it. But secondly, this is someone clearly in crisis. You are not ‘ruining his life’. If he’s gotten to the point of smashing up houses of random people he knows, his life is pretty screwed. He is a danger to people and he is very likely a danger to himself. What if he self harmed or hurt someone next? This is really quite serious and it sounds like you have been conditioned to downplay this stuff and take the hit for everyone else. This is one of those times you really need to find your balls and act.

Away2000 · 28/06/2025 21:42

If they had no logical reason why they might break in then surely their mental health has deteriorated to a point that they are a danger. I would get the police involved as you could potentially be stopping their behaviour escalating to something more serious.

JustSawJohnny · 28/06/2025 21:42

Monkey987 · 28/06/2025 21:13

It's a very he said she said situation tho surely?
Maybe your police are better than in my area but from previous experience the police round here won't even come out unfortunately.
My car was vandalised previously and they wouldn't come out just gave me a crime reference number

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It's not though, is it, because your neighbour confronted them!

You have a witness so you cannot lie to Police and say you don't know who it was.