Am I that mum…?

I think it’s great the school have gone with the 2 best applicants rather than adding a m/f balance into the equation. I think this would make it easier to explain to the unsuccessful candidates surely? It’s brilliant your DS went for it and agree with other PPs if he wants to know why his application wasn’t strong enough you could encourage him to ask for feedback, it’s likely the teachers would praise where he said some great things and it might boost his confidence. Overall though it’s managing situations like this well which will avoid you becoming a lawnmower parent.

This would be a good opportunity to encourage your son to politely ask.

Although I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "it will come down to the individual applications, criteria, etc"

You say life is not always fair, but this might actually be fair depending on the answer.

I don't think you can contact the school - is it not selection by voting? Our schools captains and vice are all female except one for next session. Understand he will be disappointed but I would focus on the move to high school.and opportunities to lead there

Disappointment is something we all need to learn. He won't get every job/position he applies for or wants. Nobody does.

I appreciate he has his difficulties and I really wish him good luck in the future, but I fail to see what you want to achieve by raising it with the school .

The school have selected the candidates that they thought best for the job unfortunately he just wasn't one of them. Why does it matter that they are girls? He wasn't one of the two boys chosen. End of.

Certainly a bit later on in Secondary for prefects many of those who were chosen had Alpha Mum campaigners behind them think ‘Amanda for prefect! She helps’ banner in house window close to school :) Obvs not real name. The convo in our house was ‘it doesn’t matter’ but privately I was surprised at the subtle yet performative campaigns by Mums & some bullies getting key roles but that’s life.

I don’t get what your complaint is here, it’s not a gender thing by, they picked based on the best application.

OP, what exactly are you hoping to achieve here? The house captains have been picked, and for any one of a number of reasons, your son isn’t one of them. Unless only eight children applied, necessarily some will be disappointed. Don’t make it into a big deal for your son, or let him think that you’re disappointed. If usually they have an even split between boys and girls but this year they haven’t, I would assume there is a good reason for this. If you go in and complain, then you will assuredly be “that mother”.

but it’s been difficult to explain to him why the representation isn’t more balance

Good time to explain how for women it's usually the other way around. I don't mean this snarkily btw!

In previous years have captains been mostly boys?

. He used active examples in his application and interview on how he has progressed as well as demonstrated how he supports and cares for his non-verbal autistic sibling (guiding and supporting younger kids was a key area of focus for the application).

Perhaps they believed that Mum had submitted the application? Assuming you weren't present for the application you simply don't know how he performed.

I’ve obviously explained it will come down to the individual applications, criteria, etc and that this is good life lesson - life it’s not always fair.

You have contradicted yourself here. You say it comes down to individual applications thus indicating there was most likely better ones but then say life isn't fair. It would not be fair for someone who submitted a better application than your son to not get the position by virtue of their sex.

Obviously he is disappointed on this occasion but it sounds like you may be more so.

I'm a primary teacher.

I wouldn't mind being asked this. Especially if it differs from the norm.

Parents enquiring or seeking clarification never bothers me.

Complaining without the facts, that's a different matter so just don't frame it as a complaint 😊

Maybe the applications were anonymised? That’s what happened in my school. You applied but those selecting didn’t know name or gender etc.

so they’ve just chosen the best applications?

Ask how y you would feel if your ds was told he got the role, then because a parent complained, they took it away.

yes he's disappointed but it's a good chance to talk to him about the fact there will always disappointments in life and that he needs to learn to accept these, reflect on anything he could have done better and accept that sometimes he couldn't do any more but still couldn't f get what he wants. And to use the opportunity to show what a mature man he is by congratulating the people selected and for asking for feedback himself.

I don’t see why it’s a gender issue? They pick the two best candidates for the job, as in life, it doesn’t matter whether those are male or female. He did stand a fair chance, everybody who applied had the same chance, it just so happens that the girls were the better candidates.

Asking for feedback on where your son can improve to help him in future would be fine.

Complaining that the majority of positions went to girls and is unfair would absolutely make you 'that mum'.

I imagine it's not always possible to ensure it's equal. My son's year group only has a handful of girls so if they were selecting the 'best' child for a specific role they might end up selecting all boys because there are simply more to choose from.

I can hear the love you have for him in your post, but leadership isn't sex-based, so the fact that there were 6 girls isn't a comment on your son, more a comment on a turning tide towards focusing on skills rather than sex.

Yes you’re being “that Mum” - you’ve got no evidence at all that your son didn’t stand a fair chance or that selection was unfair, and I don’t think 3/4 of captains in just one year being girls is necessarily so unrepresentative you need to say anything.

Nor does it need to be a “crushing disappointment” - it is disappointing but he gave it a good go and it didn’t work out, that’s all. I’d encourage him to find other opportunities to demonstrate his responsibility and maturity. Could he take on responsibility for some other aspect of school life - at my DC school year six are in charge of the slides and sound deck for assemblies, furniture arrangements in the hall, monitoring the “buddy bench”, mentoring reception class, one of them has been in charge of KS1 fruit preparation and distribution etc etc. He sounds like he’s made a really good effort and you can be proud of him - don’t spoil it by picking an unwinnable argument with the school. For all you know they have him in mind for something else.

Surely it's just based on who is best for the position in any given year? Some years girls may out number boys and some years the boys may outnumber girls and some years more even. If there was a consistent pattern of one sex dominating over the other, year after year, then maybe there could be some sort of bias, but that doesn't seem to be the case from what you've said. In which case, I'd chalk it up to there just being more girls as strong contenders this year.

‘They selected the best two people for the roles’ is the explanation you give him.

It's natural to feel disappointed but I think you're right in trying to use it as a life lesson. You could speak to the school and ask them to provide some constructive feedback on his application - given the fact that this was in his report as a recommendation and he tried really hard on the application, maybe some specific praise on what he did well would motivate and encourage him even though he didn't get the position.