Posting to try and understand where the problem lies. Been with my partner 10 yrs, not married, DD is 1.5yr old.
The issue is 2 fold - 1st issue since Dd's arrival I really don't feel like he has stepped up. I BF so did all the night wakings, and he moved himself into the spare room when she was a few days old, doesn't ever offer to look after her alone to give me a nap, baby still waking multiple times a night, and I'm back in full time work. He does some housework and all the DIY but I do all the food prep, majority housework, all the life admin, appointments, childcare, holiday arranging etc. Recently he has started to look after her independently for me to work occasional weekend shifts and around nursery hours for me to return to long shifts (I'm the higher earner if that's relevant) but this is basically the only time I'm not with DD. We have no family so I found being primary parent with no time for hobbies, or even a quiet bath (he would bring her to me crying and had absolutely no patience for her upset which I couldn't stand to witness) absolutely battered my mental health, whilst he managed to continue a 3x a week hobby, now fortunately about 2x a week but sometimes out all day on a hobby day. I asked, cried, shouted for more help from him, and things improved a little but often felt some intentional incompetence followed (eg left the 5m old unaccompanied baby in the playpen with a screwdriver to entertain herself whilst he 'watched' her whilst I showered) leaving me feeling like I couldn't switch off, this leads to problem 2...
Whenever I raise an issue, I try to be calm and patient initially, asking for what I need. Sometimes this is responded to fairly, but he will lose interest in looking after the baby or leave the task incomplete and wander away. If I get frustrated or upset he goes super cold, won't look at me, often won't respond to me asking questions, certainly will never apologise (which would de-escalate my growing rage on most occasions) or correct the behaviour that has upset me initially. Sometimes he will later (next day kind of time frame) recognise some fault but then will make similar choices or behaviours again quite soon. I suspect he may have ADHD, he went for some counselling when I asked him to move out after a really big upset, but this has dried up and never really seemed to improve things. It's the communication cold shoulder that I really can't bear and I'm just trying to gauge insight of whether I'm being precious and need to just buckle down and accept this is him, or whether most people wouldn't accept this?!
Sorry this is LONG