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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman on holiday? AIBU?

187 replies

Gogoea · 27/06/2025 18:58

We’re currently on holiday in Spain and got to know another family. Their daughter is the same age as my son - 9. We also have a 6 year old daughter.

Their other family’s 9 year old - I’ll call her Sarah - is visibly overweight/fat with breast growth. She’s an only child.

When were on a trip to another town yesterday the other mum got tipsy and said at lunch - all 7 of us were on the same table - and the mum pointed to an elephant in a book my daughter was reading and said “Sarah’s as fat as that”. -

My daughter giggled and repeated it and I could see Sarah’s face and she was very upset.

A bit later on Sarah still looked upset and wasn’t really interacting at all and her mum sharpiy snd curtly (about my daughter - let’s call her Maisie) said to Sarah;

”look she’s TRYING to make friends with you”.

As we all walked back to the bus stop - my 9 year old son said to Sarah -

“Don’t worry, Maisie (his sister) has called me fat as well”

in other words, my 9 year old DS failed to acknowledge Sarah’s mother’s fault in all this?

AIBU to now have realised that Sarah’s mum is a rancid toxic bitch?

How can someone be like that to their own 9 year old child?

OP posts:
newchapternewday · 29/06/2025 08:11

My mother did this to me when I was about 10, shamed me exactly like this at a family party. My lovely aunt stood up for me straight away. I was not fat in anyway but my mother was very controlling about food and appearances. Years of toxic abuse have followed. I am 56 now. Those with loving mothers have no idea the damage a vile parent can do, the amount of times I have been told I should forgive her because she is my mother is unbelievable.

nomas · 29/06/2025 07:50

Gogoea · 29/06/2025 07:31

Girls mum is in her 50s! - but then again some might say - it’s never too late to learn!

Show quote history

That includes you. Do better next time.

nomas · 29/06/2025 07:50

Toenailz · 28/06/2025 23:30

All the adults present at the table witnessing a child being emotionally, mentally and verbally abused and humiliated by her caregiver in front of a large group of people, and not one of them, not ONE adult, spoke up for this poor little child.

Utter disgrace. Shame on her mother, and shame on every other bystander to the abuse they witnessed.

This

Original poster
Gogoea · 29/06/2025 07:31

Brokeandold · 29/06/2025 07:26

Its awful that parents ridicule their children about their bodies, in front of others too, makes you wonder what they are saying behind closed doors. That poor girls self esteem must be rock bottom.
Children go through hormonal changes, go through puberty at different times. Their bodies change in preparation for growing taller, our children were all sorts of body sizes going through KS2 , ages 8-16, particularly our second DS, he did alot of dancing, swam alot, didnt like fizzy drinks , ate mainly a veggie diet, but he appeared to be “overweight” but when he reached age 14/15 he lost all the weight, shot up and now at age 22, towers above me and his dad.
I dont think your 6 year was being “mean” she was just reacting to an awkward atmosphere, shes a young child-they react to most things by laughing.
Your son is sensitive and kind, he's showing his new friend how people should be, that girls mum has a-lot to learn.

Girls mum is in her 50s! - but then again some might say - it’s never too late to learn!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gogoea · 29/06/2025 07:29

Brokeandold · 29/06/2025 07:26

Its awful that parents ridicule their children about their bodies, in front of others too, makes you wonder what they are saying behind closed doors. That poor girls self esteem must be rock bottom.
Children go through hormonal changes, go through puberty at different times. Their bodies change in preparation for growing taller, our children were all sorts of body sizes going through KS2 , ages 8-16, particularly our second DS, he did alot of dancing, swam alot, didnt like fizzy drinks , ate mainly a veggie diet, but he appeared to be “overweight” but when he reached age 14/15 he lost all the weight, shot up and now at age 22, towers above me and his dad.
I dont think your 6 year was being “mean” she was just reacting to an awkward atmosphere, shes a young child-they react to most things by laughing.
Your son is sensitive and kind, he's showing his new friend how people should be, that girls mum has a-lot to learn.

Thank you - that’s so kind ❤️

Glad things improved for your son - sounds like he was happier, thinner ❤️

OP posts:
Brokeandold · 29/06/2025 07:26

Its awful that parents ridicule their children about their bodies, in front of others too, makes you wonder what they are saying behind closed doors. That poor girls self esteem must be rock bottom.
Children go through hormonal changes, go through puberty at different times. Their bodies change in preparation for growing taller, our children were all sorts of body sizes going through KS2 , ages 8-16, particularly our second DS, he did alot of dancing, swam alot, didnt like fizzy drinks , ate mainly a veggie diet, but he appeared to be “overweight” but when he reached age 14/15 he lost all the weight, shot up and now at age 22, towers above me and his dad.
I dont think your 6 year was being “mean” she was just reacting to an awkward atmosphere, shes a young child-they react to most things by laughing.
Your son is sensitive and kind, he's showing his new friend how people should be, that girls mum has a-lot to learn.

DontReplyIWillLie · 29/06/2025 07:02

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 28/06/2025 23:16

What's worse than a mother abusing a child?
People who witness it and say/do nothing.

Well it’s clearly not worse, is it? Being a witness can’t be worse than the action. Come on, love - think that one through in your head.

Fannyy · 29/06/2025 00:53

Why are they all not in school ?

DontReplyIWillLie · 29/06/2025 00:29

Grow the fuck up.

Toenailz · 28/06/2025 23:30

All the adults present at the table witnessing a child being emotionally, mentally and verbally abused and humiliated by her caregiver in front of a large group of people, and not one of them, not ONE adult, spoke up for this poor little child.

Utter disgrace. Shame on her mother, and shame on every other bystander to the abuse they witnessed.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 28/06/2025 23:16

What's worse than a mother abusing a child?
People who witness it and say/do nothing.

murasaki · 28/06/2025 23:07

Hedgehogbrown · 28/06/2025 22:48

Her daughter is 6!

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She was still rude and the OP did agree that she should have said something to her. Yes, she copied, she's 6, but she was still rude.

But not as bad as the awful mother of poor Sarah, by any means. Maisie will grow out of it, the mother won't.

Hedgehogbrown · 28/06/2025 22:56

It's strange how all the adults expect Sarah to be friends with Maisy, who is 6, and not the boy, who is her age.

Hedgehogbrown · 28/06/2025 22:48

murasaki · 27/06/2025 19:00

Well to be fair your daughter was very rude too. And clearly has a history of it. So while the woman sounds awful, you need to look at your own family too.

Her daughter is 6!

Original poster
Gogoea · 28/06/2025 22:28

murasaki · 28/06/2025 22:09

Sarah was probably not engaging with Maisie not just because of the elephant comment that she copied, but because every time she tries to engage, her mother shoots her down. So it's self preservation by not trying.

Yes, agreed

OP posts:
murasaki · 28/06/2025 22:09

Sarah was probably not engaging with Maisie not just because of the elephant comment that she copied, but because every time she tries to engage, her mother shoots her down. So it's self preservation by not trying.

Original poster
Gogoea · 28/06/2025 21:48

murasaki · 28/06/2025 21:45

Yes, emotionally abused rather than spoiled. Poor kid.

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Yes spot on

OP posts:
murasaki · 28/06/2025 21:45

Gogoea · 28/06/2025 21:11

Yes and this goes to show she’s the opposite of spoilt, surely?

The cold harsh way she said “look Maisie (my daughter) WANTS to be friends with you” when Sarah was upset and not engaging. That was said in such a bitter, cold tone of voice to her with no eye contact

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Yes, emotionally abused rather than spoiled. Poor kid.

Original poster
Gogoea · 28/06/2025 21:11

murasaki · 28/06/2025 21:04

Well if she believes what she's said, she's responsible for any spoiling, along with the dad. She's a horrible person. Definitely keep your distance.

Edited

Yes and this goes to show she’s the opposite of spoilt, surely?

The cold harsh way she said “look Maisie (my daughter) WANTS to be friends with you” when Sarah was upset and not engaging. That was said in such a bitter, cold tone of voice to her with no eye contact

OP posts:
murasaki · 28/06/2025 21:04

Well if she believes what she's said, she's responsible for any spoiling, along with the dad. She's a horrible person. Definitely keep your distance.

Original poster
Gogoea · 28/06/2025 21:02

Ohnobackagain · 28/06/2025 20:32

@Gogoea have you asked your son what Sarah’s Mum said to him, just casually? You can use it as an opening to talk about what happened and it may help you see the bigger picture.

Yes. I’ve distanced myself from the mum and asked my son. He said the mum said Sarah had been very spoilt due to being an only child and to make allowances for her behaviour sometimes.

My instincts on this were correct. And to say the very unnecessary

“remember what we talked about, Simon?” In front of Sarah was meant to make Sarah feel excluded. It’s bitchy schoolgirl behaviour

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 28/06/2025 20:52

Gogoea · 27/06/2025 20:17

Not wanting to cause a scene

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Better a scene than to stay quiet and let a 9-year-old think that you all agree with her mother. After all, none of the grown-ups said ANYTHING!

That poor child! And her DF didn't call out his wife either?

I'd be proud of your son. You need to make your daughter aware that she's being unkind, though. You let her say that to her brother, too? Do you pull her up on that? Where has she learned that saying mean things is okay?

Also, I don't know if you have a problem with people that are overweight, but the way you speak makes it seem that you do. Please be more neutral in your language; your children are taking in everything you say and do.

Ohnobackagain · 28/06/2025 20:32

@Gogoea have you asked your son what Sarah’s Mum said to him, just casually? You can use it as an opening to talk about what happened and it may help you see the bigger picture.

AlexStocks · 28/06/2025 20:00

Your son was great. He was trying to assuage her feelings and tend to her emotions to make her feel better (job well done!).

It sounds like DS was out of line. You can't control adults, but you can, in front of other adults, tell your daughter the family standards are that we do NOT call people fat and diminish them.

You could pull the mom aside when she's sober and ask if she's OK and say you're wondering due yo her behavior when she was drinking. That's a hard call though.

Wildefish · 28/06/2025 19:55

murasaki · 27/06/2025 19:00

Well to be fair your daughter was very rude too. And clearly has a history of it. So while the woman sounds awful, you need to look at your own family too.

The child was 7. The mother was the only one at fault.