EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

Seek legal advice and Go to court and the children's views will be taken into account.

I’m so sorry you and your children are going through this. This is a classic example of a parent completely discounting the needs of their children. Unfortunately this will have an impact and will likely cause internalised trauma later on in life. Ensure you keep talking to your children and offering the emotional support that you seem to be doing already.

As for the new partner making threats to your children, that is definitely not okay; you are their father, you call the shots. You have every right to make that call if you need to involve police/, but hopefully it won’t come to that. Please keep us posted.

Firstly I am so sorry, and well done you as well for reaching out.

Blended Families can work, but I think a bigger house would have been better and to have waited until then, or at least a different arrangement to this. Also his kids must feel a bit weird. If they had all been bought up together they at least would know each other for a longer time.

Both girls at these tender ages when things are starting, to share with a kind of stranger does happen, but must be very difficult and personal areas now shared. I can understand why she wants to leave.
I cannot for one moment if I was this Mum of allowing her 7yr olds beloved bedroom altered in this way, that to me struck the hardest note.

I don’t know what the solution is, but this feels like the children were not listened to properly, it was more of a statement and could bear issues in the future.

How you play the next bit I think you have to be delicate or she may feel you’re capitalising on a moment. Ask for a meet up on neutral grounds, calmly discuss the children’s issues and mention daughter would like to move in with you. Calmly ask all to consider this is a viable option, maybe ask for a fortnight / month bedding in period at Mums and see how the daughter feels after this time (I purely mention this so all feel it’s not rash - although it could be said their move was in the first place).

I hope your post helps others understand the plight for some when moving families together. I know it can work ok, but as with any family it also can be very tricky.

This sounds so bizarre, I think it maybe a bit more complicated on the mums side.....for e.g is she no longer able to afford to pay for the house on her own?

She could have been manipulated into the situation but she could also have been struggling to make ends meet and made the decision as an economic one.

I am not defending her by the way, she could have moved into a smaller house and have the kids share a room if things were bad. I just think that generally we assume our ex partners are selfish when sometimes life forces them to make certain decisions

Good luck to his ex turning up to mediation or court and having photos of his amazing Spiderman room shown then having to say oh I threw it all out including the bedding because this older kid he met 2 months ago wouldn’t like it. Now you have to make him come back to my house to share his bedroom with this stranger!!

You need to get a solicitor and go to family court asap. Do not return the children if they do not want to go, because if they go back they may not be allowed to see you as they will want to stay.
your ex is awful and has lost the plot. She has allowed the children to lose their home and identity, and is now wondering what has happened because it’s not gone her way. What a stupid person.

So your ex dated a man for about 9 months before moving him in and 2 months later your kids stuff gets thrown out to accommodate his kids - that is pretty horrible behaviour. Is she is a strong person, it does sound a bit like she is being manipulated and her new partner is a bit of a cocklodger! It is very fast for kids to meet a new partner let alone move them in. Tell them if she wants the kids back 50:50 the guy can pitch in and pay towards them getting a bigger house with more bedrooms or pay for an extension - does he work? I would also enquire about what exactly they did with the light fittings etc… Maybe check ebay/vinted and see if you can pick him up some Spidey bits and pieces.

I'll echo the others. If you have full custody, it doesn't mean the kids wont see their mother. Similarly, joint custody does not mean that the kids are 50/50, it can be non-equal split aswell.

I feel for you and i feel for them. Weirdly for me, the messed up part is that he can't even have spiderman bedding. I can in theory understand the logic with taking the stuff away from joint places in the room (like the lamp). But the bedding was so unnecessary that it was done to send a message.

Let your ex calm down, start shopping for solicitors. Prepare yourself for potential mediation if she's not willing to have a calm conversation in private.

@David850 is your ex normally this selfish?

I just can't help wonder if the new man is a cocklodger who she hasn't been able to see through.
Has he bullied his way into her house.

Poor kids, mum has completely failed to listen to them.

You sound like a wonderful dad I hope you get sorted

Ive been through the family court system for a child arrangements order. My ex husband sought custody of our 9 year old child who was 11 by the time the process was completed (It cost me about £9k to defend my sons wishes to stay with me) - it was an expensive process. But I learnt a few things. The court and social workers take a child focussed approach - eg what does the child want? Its not about what the parents want. Plus courts generally dont get too involved with 13/14 year olds as they are teens and can simply say and do what they want. So if your daughter wants to live with you she can. Even if there was a court order in place saying she lived with her mum if she chose to stay with you as she was unhappy at her mums all that would happen is that your ex would have to take you to court (which takes time and money). Then the court would either kick the case out or ask your daughter who says she wants to live with you then its done. Unless one person is eligible for legal aid via being on low income and stating they are a victim of domestic abuse and gaining evidence through a DV charity etc. So if your daughter wants to live with you she can.

Your son is younger but still could have a say in where he lives if he is very unhappy and doing that to his room is not child focussed. Same situation next time he visited you if he didnt want to return he wouldnt have to, and she would need to take you to court to sort out a child arrangements order. But its time and money. Its also unpleasant for the child. Her partner coming over to pick up the children is just a threat - you wouldnt need to release your child to an unrelated man. Id call the police if he turned up and started being threatening. Your ex would need to pick up and then your child decide if he wanted to go with his mum.

I would probably get some legal advice at this stage. Many solicitors you can call up with a view to engaging them and they will give you some free advice and talk over your situation and give you the legal perspective (very important).

You could also contact a family mediation service - its an alternative to court. There are online and in person ones. It may seem expensive but its a whole lot cheaper than family court. If you reach agreement through the mediation service they have the agreement approved by the court. If no agreement then you get a MIAM certificate allowing you to go to court. Eg you cant ordinarily go to court without having tried mediation first. But if the kids want to live with you then it would be your ex who would need to take you to court and not the other way round. Unless she was witholding access from you.

CAFCASS suggest this template of parenting plan if you can reach agreement with the mum - https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/parent-carer-or-family-member/my-family-involved-private-law-proceedings/resources-help-you-make-arrangements-are-your-childs-best-interests/how-parenting-plan-can-help

Its not easy and I wish you luck, but definately get some legal advice and get your head around the processes - then you will know your rights and your kids rights (which they do have) which will help you all feel more empowered.

Mate, you share responsibilty for their welfare, children are not possessions, they are people. Part of your responsibilty is that any major decisions regarding arrangements for your children have to be agreed with you. If they weren't and your children's voices are not being listened to, you have valid welfare concerns, I would definately not be returning my children. My advice is to keep them with you, allow the mother access to the childrn at your home, don't get into a row about it, stay calm and peaceful and record your interactions. There are other children involved and their welfare is also a concern. They should not be sharing a room with your children if there is a room available for your children at your house.She's made the bed, let her lie in it. Audio record your interactions for later reference. You don't need a solicitor, they dont work for you, they work for the court. Get a mackenzie friend.

It’s truly heartbreaking to read this. 😢
Is this the first time your ex has done this? It feels like she is being coerced as well, but I may be wrong.

You need to tell ex she has put her own kids wellbeing 2nd so you are now applying for full custody. Tell her partner had no right to get rid of your ds birthday gift and your ex is an absolute disgrace to do this to her children. I would get them home safe to you then she can just bring up his kids. It winds me up when women do this for a new man. How she put them so far down the pecking line for a bloke is irresponsible. Put your issues in writing to your ex explain your kids are basically living with 3 strangers and there not happy so unless she puts everything back to what is was your going to fight for them as they will always be your priority. How would she like it to be in a bedroom with a complete stranger also if the house wasn’t big enough they should have thought about that before doing this to your kids. She a selfish bitch don’t take them if they don’t want to go home.

Agree with the PP saying this is full of red flags. What I haven't seen anyone mention is that it also sounds like he's done a massive power play. The boys bedroom could have been half and half, gaming and spiderman. All of it's awful, including painting over the spiderman mural, but if you're a cunt you could try to jutify it with the redecorating. The bedding is really personal, did not need to be removed and the only possible motive seems like a massive "fuck you I can do what I want and you dont matter" ditto the shit excuse for trespassing into the girls room when she's in bed / PJs. Absolutely horrible, I hope those kids aren't too damaged and get to choose where they live

Could you, their mother and the kids meet up somewhere neutral together and talk about it?

Maybe try to see things from the other kids point of view. They’ve had a big move too, all their old spaces taken away from them and maybe having to share is new to them too.
Kids always get the fall out when parents move on.
wishing you all peace, calm and understanding.

the younger child has rights too and should be listened to. If he wants to stay with his sister and you just now then he should be allowed to. Mother should come round to talk to them and try to persuade them (not tell them!) that they should come home. the new partner has got nothing to do with it. If he turns up just tell him that only their mother can see them and that she is welcome to come round to try to persuade the children to live in the conditions they have imposed on them

You should advise her mother to come round herself to try to persuade her daughter to return to her house.She can not force your daughter to return if you have shared parental rights and responsibilities and there is no order re residence. She above all can't "send her partner" to force her. A 13 year old is entitled to have her view taken seriously by her mother and by you, and by the courts if it comes to that but better to work this out if you can without resort to law. Your daughter can get legal aid and be represented if it is the case that her mother tries to force her.

My daughter is a social worker and says you are perfectly within your rights to keep the children with you if that’s what they want. If the partner or your ex comes to your home and tries to take the children, call the police.
SS will then do an assessment and the wishes of the children will be front and center to that, if you have a safe and secure environment for them and your happy to keep them, end of. They are old enough to know what they want and mum cannot force her will on them.

I would say that what they have done to your son is abusive and your ex doesn't deserve to have your DC. SS and court is your only option.
Good luck and please let us know how this situation is resolved.

My husband's kids had this. I. The stepmom on the other side and have no kids of my own . It was actually 3 kids moved in and the relationship with the mum never really recovered. Oldest moved in with us full time and the relationship with both kids is still strained because they felt conned into agreeing to it.

I would contact social services if I was you, and explain the situation and how you children feel. They might help you get custody of them. It's definitely worth a try.

I think you misunderstood. She has always gone to her dad's on weekends long before we moved in together. We have been together for 8 years and have children together so not strangers 😂 We didn't move in together until 3 years into the relationship and even then it was gradual. She lives with us full time and only spends one night a week at her dad's. To add the home wasn't the home I shared with her dad its a home that we brought together as a fresh start. It's not just her home. Very different to OPs situation where that was his children's home first.