Page 5 | To think co-parenting is often just damage control for a bad decision?

ThisSharpJadeDreamer · 2025-06-27T14:39:12+00:00

“We’re putting the child first” usually means “we’re trying to minimise the fallout.”

Sux2buthen · 27/06/2025 15:57

Don’t you think that when you drink water, you’re just trying to quench thirst or hydrate?

Fratolish · 27/06/2025 15:57

I'm another poster who's confused about what you're actually trying to get at. I don't think anyone disputes the fact that parents splitting up is going to be hard on the kids? Are you trying to say people should stay together 'for the sake of the kids'? People shouldn't even bother attempting to co-parent because their kids are fucked anyway?

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/06/2025 15:56

I meant co-parenting in the post-separation sense - when a relationship ends but the parents still have to coordinate around the child.

Well they need to coordinate around the child because they have joint rights and responsibilities to that child. And being able to manage that without anger, bitterness or competition is important for the wellbeing of that child.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/06/2025 15:55

ThisSharpJadeDreamer · 27/06/2025 15:50

That’s exactly my point, that a lot of the praise for “great co-parenting” is really praise for salvaging a tough situation. I’m not criticising the effort (it’s often necessary and admirable) but I do think we sometimes romanticise it without naming the fact that it’s damage control.

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Who is it you spend your time with? I don't know anyone who romanticises relationship breakdown with children. DH and I don't sit on the sofa and dream about one day co-parenting. Kids aren't being raised to think the happiest place for a child is between two houses.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 27/06/2025 15:54

What 'bad decision' are you referring to? The decision to have a relationship and children or the decision to end that relationship?

SummerInSun · 27/06/2025 15:53

Of course it is, but that’s a good thing, not a bad thing. Two parents trying to do the best for their children once separated is much better than (a) two miserable parents trapped in an unhappy marriage staying together “for the sake of the children” who then grow up in an environment of unhappiness, anger, etc; or (b) parents splitting up and one parent basically bowing out of parenting and leaving the other to bring the kids up.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/06/2025 15:53

ThisSharpJadeDreamer · 27/06/2025 15:47

I meant co-parenting in the post-separation sense - when a relationship ends but the parents still have to coordinate around the child. I’m not talking about married or together couples parenting jointly. More about how “we’re co-parenting well” is often code for trying to manage the aftermath of a relationship that didn’t work out.

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Surely all parenting after a break up is managing the aftermath of a relationship that didn't work out. What's your point? What is the bad decision? Getting together? Most people in a position to co-parent well wouldn't prefer to have never had the relationship or kids, so it isn't a bad decision.

IsThisLifeNow · 27/06/2025 15:52

I don't understand what you mean, should a divorced/separated couple say 'ah we've fucked it, just give up and give them heroin now?'

Of course they are salvaging a bad situation and minimising the fall out. What else should they do?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/06/2025 15:52

ThisSharpJadeDreamer · 27/06/2025 15:50

That’s exactly my point, that a lot of the praise for “great co-parenting” is really praise for salvaging a tough situation. I’m not criticising the effort (it’s often necessary and admirable) but I do think we sometimes romanticise it without naming the fact that it’s damage control.

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I've never heard any romanticise it 😂 I'm absolutely dreading it as my husband has fucked off with another woman, I'm managing the fall out while he's turning up occasionally to join in family life and the disappear back to his second 20s!

QueenoftheTambourine · 27/06/2025 15:51

ThisSharpJadeDreamer · 27/06/2025 15:50

That’s exactly my point, that a lot of the praise for “great co-parenting” is really praise for salvaging a tough situation. I’m not criticising the effort (it’s often necessary and admirable) but I do think we sometimes romanticise it without naming the fact that it’s damage control.

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I genuinely don't think anyone thinks otherwise.

QueenoftheTambourine · 27/06/2025 15:50

ThisSharpJadeDreamer · 27/06/2025 15:47

I meant co-parenting in the post-separation sense - when a relationship ends but the parents still have to coordinate around the child. I’m not talking about married or together couples parenting jointly. More about how “we’re co-parenting well” is often code for trying to manage the aftermath of a relationship that didn’t work out.

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I don't think it's code for anything other than 'the romantic/sexual/marital relationship is over, but obviously our responsibilities as parents aren't'? I admire people who manage to set aside the bitterness and complex feelings that can result from the end of a marriage and still parent effectively.

Original poster

ThisSharpJadeDreamer · 27/06/2025 15:50

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/06/2025 15:44

Well yes there is a huge element of minimising the fallout. What's your point though?

That’s exactly my point, that a lot of the praise for “great co-parenting” is really praise for salvaging a tough situation. I’m not criticising the effort (it’s often necessary and admirable) but I do think we sometimes romanticise it without naming the fact that it’s damage control.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisSharpJadeDreamer · 27/06/2025 15:47

QueenoftheTambourine · 27/06/2025 15:41

Well, most parenting is co-parenting, surely, unless you had a child solo via a donor, were widowed, or your child has a completely uninvolved non-resident other parent?

Or do you mean something entirely different and aren't being clear?

I meant co-parenting in the post-separation sense - when a relationship ends but the parents still have to coordinate around the child. I’m not talking about married or together couples parenting jointly. More about how “we’re co-parenting well” is often code for trying to manage the aftermath of a relationship that didn’t work out.

OP posts:

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/06/2025 15:44

Well yes there is a huge element of minimising the fallout. What's your point though?

QueenoftheTambourine · 27/06/2025 15:41

Well, most parenting is co-parenting, surely, unless you had a child solo via a donor, were widowed, or your child has a completely uninvolved non-resident other parent?

Or do you mean something entirely different and aren't being clear?