To think co-parenting is often just damage control for a bad decision?

No, no it doesn’t. Nothing is getting lost. Nobody is ever going to try to be a co-parent pre-breakup. It will never be a goal for aspiring lovers and parents to one day be in a co-parent relationship.

None of those things will be true.

You are seeing a problem where there is none.

Also this ⬆️

I don’t think anyone, on their wedding day is quietly aspiring to have children, then get divorced and coparent. So, I don’t think aspirational is in any sense true.

But a successful coparenting relationship has pluses as well as minuses for children. In my case they get more and different types of holidays, different foods (as we both cook slightly differently) and two sets of rooms and places to keep things (admittedly a downside too).

Of course, divorce is traumatic, and it affects children and, at the beginning, it is about coping. But it can evolve into a positive experience for all concerned.

I have never seen co parenting presented as aspirational

Apart from for people who are already divorced or or split

Sounds like you are saying co parenting is being presented as an ideal family set up, better than two parents in the same home.

I am confused also about your point! Please give examples! Was your post triggered by someone you know IRL?

This is all so glaringly obvious I don’t think it needs lengthy paragraphs or a thread at all though.

Ok I think I’m catching the thread….

What I’m questioning is how often co-parenting gets presented as inherently ideal or aspirational rather than what it often is: a thoughtful and necessary response to a painful shift.

@ThisSharpJadeDreamer

You are conflating the pre breakup and post breakup.

Here’s my take. Co-parenting is the ideal and aspiration post breakup. There is not a better scenario for post break up child rearing. At the same time it’s also not the ‘ideal’ situation of a healthy/loving pre breakup 2 parent home.

In other words a phrase I use often… (in this case co-parenting) is the best case of the worst case scenario.

I think most people realise that the need for co parenting has arisen from a less than ideal situation, nobody has to preface it with a statement saying so.

I always presumed it was damage limitation and nothing else. I don't believe its romanticised. In the same way a blended family is another word for a few broken families trying to struggle along. I think most people would agree it would be much better for children to be raised in a nuclear family with two loving parents who also love each other. Sadly that's not always the case. People who are co parenting or starting blended families are just doing their best with the circumstances they have found themselves in.

But you haven't answered the question several posters have asked -- where exactly are you hearing this 'narrative framing' of co-parenting in 'glowing terms'? Because no one else is hearing it.

“We’re putting the child first” usually means “we’re trying to minimise the fallout.”

Well yes. That's exactly what trying to co-parent well is.

What would you rather people said?

What I’m questioning is how often co-parenting gets presented as inherently ideal or aspirational rather than what it often is: a thoughtful and necessary response to a painful shift

I have never seen this, co parenting is quite obviously making the best of a bad situation , I've never seen it presented as aspirational or ideal.

But nobody ever admits it. What's that about? Possibly shame over becoming dehydrated makes people act like they're just drinking for no reason.

But in public discourse, especially online, there’s often a tendency to praise ‘healthy co-parenting’ as though it’s a win in itself, without acknowledging the loss or harm that made it necessary.

Healthy coparenting is a win in itself, it’s not easy, takes intentional action on the part of parents who are also navigating an often painful breakup. Do you think every conversation about coparenting should have a caveat attached? Should parents beat their breasts in shame while talking about coparenting? What is it you want here.

Ffs this is making me want to scream 😂

What I’m questioning is how often co-parenting gets presented as inherently ideal or aspirational?

It doesn't!!!!!! Literally NOBODY thinks this!!!! Argggghhh!!! 😭

What's the point of this thread?? Really??

So like
"Yeah we're co parenting well thanks, kids have adjusted and seemed settled again. But every day I look myself in the mirror and recite out loud the lost of my sins. Failing to be a wife who sticks to her marriage. Failing to be a mother who keeps the family together. Failing to be a woman who put themselves last for decades in order to do the former. I remind myself that this settled situation now is only because I fucked up the lives of myself and my children. I let them down, I let our families down, I let the world down. I'm a fuck up and my children will be er know true happiness. So yes, the co-parenting is going well now I've solidified the expected selves hatred I shall carry as my burden every day.

Maybe it is presented as aspirational because there are too many people out there who aren’t making the effort to co-parent well (or indeed, at all) after the break-up of a relationship, @ThisSharpJadeDreamer?

If everyone whose relationship had split up was co-parenting well, it would be the norm - sadly my impression is that, all to often, it isn’t.

It's a completely pointless point, though.

Yes, co-parenting generally refers to the parenting done by both parents following separation or divorce.

What's the alternative? One person is excluded from parenting permanently?

My exh and I co-parented well. The relationship had completely broken down. He was hiding debt by the end, my dad was 'terminally' ill for the duration of our 12 year relationship, which was stressful, we had to go nc with my mother due to serious safeguarding concerns (police and SS involvement), his parents became alcoholics. We both had stressful professional careers and the relationship wasn't anywhere either of us wanted to be anymore and to top it all.of, we grew apart rather than together through our 30s. Home was a horrible place for us all.

Our children say themselves that they were happier after we separated. Of course, they'd have rather had two together happy parents but, sadly, that was far from being an option by then.

But we we both fundamentally love our children and so we put aside our personal feelings and co-parented well, were supportive of each other, never ran each other down to the children and presented a united front.

Like I say, what was the alternative?

I would say it's fact that good co-parenting is minimising fall out, almost by definition. If good co-parenting is romanticised at all its in relation to poor co-parenting...not in comparison to 'normal' parenting. Many people co-parent incredibly poorly so I don't mind giving kudos to people who do it well.

Slightly different, but I do think there is something around people justifying break ups with comments about children being happier after the break up (better atmosphere, happy parents means happy kids etc). This may be true, but there is never any acknowledgement that actually these children would be happiest with both parents being together in a successful and loving relationship. Is that what you mean? I think it goes without saying though.

This post is bizarre op and nobody seems to understand your point. Of course it’s not ideal to have a relationship breakdown when there are dc involved. Or to get pregnant from a one night stand or causal relationship or whatever. But it happens and people deal with it the best they can. Nothing romantic about it, you just have to crack on and try and do best by the kids. It’s very hard especially when values and parenting styles differ or the separation was acrimonious. So when people ‘do it well’ I think that’s positive. Obviously.

I don't think I have ever seen this suggested anywhere. Can you give some examples?

Putting aside that I entirely disagree that co-parenting is romanticised at all (everyone knows it's as a result of a failed relationship), how exactly would you like people to acknowledge that it wasn't their first choice any time that it comes up?

"We're co-parenting because our relationship didn't work out, it wasn't our plan". What a weird thing to say.

I need to go back to work now, because my plan to win the lottery didn't work out. Just to acknowledge that working is the result of not being absolutely minted, which is what I wanted...