To think co-parenting is often just damage control for a bad decision?

No. It's 2 parents continuing to parent. As they should. What's the alternative? Dad just takes off and has nothing to do with the children?

Help us out OP, with how you think it should be acknowledged. My ex left when DS was a baby, following an affair. He was vile and behaved appallingly for a number of years. Notwithstanding this we have managed to find a way to co-parent DS and recently it's been pretty decent (largely because I keep my personal views on his inadequacies to myself). A colleague is mid divorce. Asked how I managed co-parenting. I said "we actually co-parent very well". How should I have phrased it?

@Insanityisnotastrategy😂😂exactly

Still waiting to hear where all of these people who are getting married but secretly thinking “I can’t wait for this to be over so my aspirational dream life can begin” are 🤷🏻‍♀️

Glad I'm not the only one who hasn't got a clue what OP is on about

From now on every co-parent must also remind everyone they meet that they have FAILED in their relationship and they wouldn't have this healthy co-parenting relationship if they could have managed to hold on to their partner 🤔

It’s a lot of words with no content 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely everyone who has ever separated from the other parent of their children will be acutely aware of the "loss". The grief of not being able to maintain the family unit they originally envisioned is felt by everyone involved well before steps are taken to split up. Nobody with children separates lightly.

Saying "we are co-parenting well" is simply a comment on the present situation. Many people don't manage to co-parent well, after all. Ackowledging successful co-parenting doesn't replace any reflection on what came before.

This is one of the weirdest threads I've ever read.

Presumably, they are saying "we co-parent well" in response to a question or at least an anticipated question, because when a couple breaks up it is natural for other people to automatically ask, "how are the kids?" and that's because anyone with half a brain cell knows that, usually, children are adversely affected by separation/divorce. So, what are you saying that these people should be saying instead?

Yes. This is a really good point. The only people who deserve that acknowledgement is the kids. And making a huge effort to co-parent harmoniously is exactly what acknowledging it's tough on the kids looks like.

But everyone knows that.

But sometimes that just isn't possible.

And my ex was abusive. He became abusive during my pregnancy.

When I found the courage to leave my son was happier. His nursery said the difference was profound - I wasn't just trying to convince myself he was happier.

I can be proud of the life I have built for him without taking anything away from nuclear families.

What is your relationship status? Why does this irk you so much? I wonder what subconscious battles you are fighting to have been triggered by this

Yes, exactly. OP, why would you think this reflection hasn't happened because it hasn't been shared with you? Do you want people to be put in the pillories with a scarlet D for divorce pinned to their chests for a bit of good, old-fashioned castigation or something?

It certainly sounds like it.

It’s the lack of acknowledgment that sometimes feels like a missing piece - as if saying “we’re co-parenting great!” replaces any reflection on what came before.

Why does anyone owe you that acknowledgment though? A good coparenting relationship is only possible after significant reflection on what came before, because there needs to be a way of setting the pain to one side to put the children at the centre. Such reflection doesn’t happen in public nor does it need to be shared publicly - the process is no one’s business but the couple involved.

I think the term co-parenting is usually just used in conversation as a way to clarify that the children don't have a dead beat dad, honestly.

Where are all of these people aspiring to co parent? Who walks down the aisle thinking I can’t wait to divorce him and share my kids?

Is that what you’re getting at? People want it so they can have free time while the kid is with the other parent? Otherwise I can’t understand why you think anyone would see any positives, romanticism or aspiration in it.

Exactly. It's such a perplexing viewpoint.

OP, was trying to have a dig at single parents and is now trying to backpedal

Well.exactly.

It’s not about blaming people for trying - it’s about being honest about the context.

Who's being dishonest?

I think, OP, you've fundamentally minunderstood the narrative around it and that's why you're finding it so difficult to make yourself understood on here and why you thought it was necessary to start a thread at all.

So what would this 'holding space' look like exactly? Anytime someone discusses their healthy co-parenting relationship they have to acknowledge that it's only come about because of a break up?! Why? EVERYONE knows that's why people are co-parenting? No disclaimer is necessary.

Hmmm.
For women who get pregnant by partners they never wanted to have a child with in the first place, or never wanted to be with long-term, coparenting might well be a more 'hoped for' outcome than a long-term committed romantic relationship with them.

Many people are much happier and better off as co-parents than as life partners. It can genuinely be the better outcome for everyone.

Yes, broadly speaking you are probably right that it's usually a sign that something difficult has happened, be that a divorce, breakup or unplanned pregnancy. These experiences can of course be very damaging and even traumatic. But not all breakups are damaging. And if positive views of coparenting are a positive narrative reframing, so what? What's so wrong with that? It might not be the situation most people would choose but it can still end up as a really good situation, or at least as a decent one, and I don't see anything false / dishonest about promoting that in a world still dominated by negative stereotypes of post-divorce parental conflict (after all, things only need to be reframed positively when they are being too harshly maligned!). It's a bit like someone saying 'that chocolate in the Celebrations tin that everyone says is shit is actually still fine and some people even like it' (for me that would be Bounty).

Phrases like “we’re great co-parents” or “we put the child first and it’s actually better this way” can sometimes gloss over the emotional complexity and very real impact of the split.

So you’d rather people said “of course we fucked our kids by separating but we’re doing the best we can in the circumstances”. Or “we obviously didn’t put the children first because we separated but we can at least make joint decisions”? I honestly don’t understand what it is you want people to say when talking about coparenting well together.

What do you want to call it? Shameful post divorce parenting?

Not necessarily a bad decision, some relationships breakdown despite the best of intentions and good decisions. But of course, "co-parenting" is just positive spin that means one parent hasn't decided to fuck off entirely. pretty low bar for civilised people imho.

It isn’t glossing over the damage of the split, though, @ThisSharpJadeDreamer - it is two people who, for whatever reason cannot stay together, making sure that this does as little damage as possible to the children involved. It is surely better than staying in a bad, unhappy marriage/relationship ‘for the sake of the children’ - because this can do as much damage (maybe much more damage) to the children involved than two separated parents who are co-parenting well.