To think co-parenting is often just damage control for a bad decision?

Not every relationship that breaks up has huge fall-out though. Especially these days where you don't have to have a divorce with blame and accusations. More couples are willing to admit that they've just drifted apart, but want to remain just as close with their children, parenting equally and with no friction as before.

Healthy co-parenting is a good thing and is not a given in the context of a marriage breakup.

People probably think I have a civilised co-parenting relationship with my ex, because we can be civil and even appear friendly at social gatherings, have Christmas & kids’ birthdays together.

In reality I do all the parenting & he does the bare minimum (and what he does do is outsourced to his girlfriend). He’s an absolute cunt but I married him and he’s the father of my children so I choose to put them first as much as I can.

Parenting with a fuckwit while minimising the fallout on the children involved is a heroic feat and should be acknowledged as such.

Is that aimed at the OP, @Howldens? I’m worrying in case it’s addressed to me, since it follows my post.

And the final comment nails it.

Use all the big words you like op, the fact is your post is bullshit, only you know what your actual point is and the rest of us think you are talking shite.

"we can hold space for the fact that it’s a response to a hard situation, not an aspirational one. That nuance often gets lost in how it’s discussed"

Total bullshit. Sanctimonious twat.

This is such an unintelligent and mealy mouthed post.

I really hope I never have to meet you in real life.

Do you think that parents should never get divorced/split up, then, @Praying4Peace? Should people put up with abuse, neglect, infidelity, domestic violence? I don’t think seeing that would be good for children.

People do fall out of love, even when there is no abuse/DV etc - and I don’t think they should be forced to stay in an unhappy relationship - not only would that be tough for them, but I can’t see how it benefits children to be in an unhappy family.

I don’t think anyone is ‘romanticising’ relationship breakdown. They are being realists and saying that, until someone invents a crystal ball, so we can know, ahead of time, if a marriage/relationship will last, some relationships/marriages will break up - and when that happens, it is best if the two people involved can co-parent well.

This makes the point perfectly

This. OP thinks no one should ever be praised for their co parenting without first highlighting that they’re big fat failures who failed at their relationship and are consequently failing their children.

Realising this view is not going down well here, OP is now - in her own words - trying to make the best of a bad situation.

100pc agree with this

Me and my ex are coparenting well. It's not damage control of a bad situation (we went through that) it's putting our kids (and their needs) first and foremost.

Thank you for articulating the ridiculousness of the OP's assertions so clearly.

I was trying to think of a way of saying this exact thing!

It's not necessary to acknowledge the ideal outcome or set of circumstances everytime someone triumphs over adversity.

Usually, it's implicit. It's only you, OP, who feels the need for it to be spelt out. The reason you don't see it being acknowledged is because everyone else already gets it.

You are of course quite right. But either way, OP is completely wrong because her entire post is predicated on the split being a bad decision. Which, on many occasions, it really isn't.

Most people end a relationship and never see that person again- great!
Coparenting is having to see your ex and put the animosity to the side so your child comes first. Ridiculously hard.
Then there's two parents who parallel parent... that's the real problem. Unfortunately my situation.
Coparenting is ridiculously hard. I think it should be applauded!

Actually you missed option 3: one ex really wants to coparent well but the other parent continues to be abusive.
It takes both partners to behave well for successful co parenting to work

In the aftermath of a relationship breakup, there are two possible outcomes: 1) the ex partners continue to pour fuel on the fire, perpetuate the reasons that led to the breakup, badmouth each other and generally behave badly, or 2) they set aside the differences, they act like grownups and collaborate in the best interests of the children, they put the children's welfare first and they obesrve the rules of decency and courtesy,

Option 2 is harder, therefore it garners praise - especially because option 1 is so often the one the children end up with.

Your blathering about 'honesty' just sounds nonsensical in this situation.

Successful co-parent here.

I’m in no doubt it’s not plan A: I’ll be skint till the end of time and my daughter cries and says she wishes we all still lived together.

but my all means make sure I understand the nuance when people are trying to be polite and supportive towards my situation as clearly it’s totally lost on me and you know best.

Somehow I don’t think op will be back…

What terminology would you prefer?

Absolutely, like I said before, it's just stating the bleeding obvious.

Also, apply your reasoning to other areas of life.

‘I’m responding well to treatment’ becomes ‘I’m responding well to treatment but it would have been better to have remained healthy in the first place.’

‘I’m so fortunate to have survived the car accident with only minor injuries’ becomes ‘I’m lucky to have survived the car accident with only minor injuries but it would have been better to have not had a car accident at all.’

Of course it would, in both cases. But people don’t say that - they comment on the outcome of what’s been handed to them.

I really don't understand your point at all. So every time anyone talks about an amicable separation and the fact that they're raising their children well post separation, they should pause and reflect out loud "obviously it's not ideal and we know the best outcome would have been staying together happily".

That is ridiculous. People don't owe you an explanation or a justification and sometimes in life it is ok to focus on the positives of a situation.

What a bizarre post.

Of course when people say ‘we co-parent really well’, they aren’t saying ‘this is amazing and everything I have ever wanted for me and my children.’

They’re saying, ‘this has worked out much better than it could have done, we are ok and I’m thankful for that.’

It’s totally implicit and obvious in most situations that co-parenting after relationship breakdown is a Plan B. No one needs to say that. But healthy co-parenting is still something to be admired and aspired to, where it’s possible.

To your point about rebounding difficult situations:

I think staying together has been successfully branded as the gold standard for children, when actually its pretty weird when you think about it, that we teach kids that their emotional wellbeing relies on their parents being in a romantic relationship with each other, when the romantic relationship has nothing to do with the child, the co parenting and (most of the time) living in the same house does.
I think we have branded 'together' incorrectly and if society in general stopped acting like anything other than a traditional family setup is 'less than' then maybe children would be more accepting of it when it did happen. It would still be unsettling yes, as it comes with big changes, but ultimately children are not traumatised from their parents no longer being in a romantic relationship with each other, they end up traumatised due to how one or both parents handle the breakup/co parenting. And some kids ARENT traumatised for life and live much better lives in the long run for it!