To treat younger sibling differently to older sibling was at same age?

YANBU. I have definitely been more relaxed with our youngest, and she’s done things earlier than our eldest. I see this as a positive. I think it’s impossible to parent subsequent children exactly as we did as first time Mums when everything felt brand new and anxiety inducing. Don’t beat yourself up over it 😊

Yes me too - and I still think it’s very unfair now!

I treat my two (there’s a five year gaps would be difficult to do otherwise) as individuals. Happy to explain to youngest “you’ll get this freedom when you’re older/ ready for it”, and to the eldest “he’s youngest than you, not yet ready for this responsibility you didn’t have at his age”.

Also factor in very different personalities etc where needed and appropriate.

I’m the eldest of three, and my youngest brother is four years younger, so actually a very similar gap to my two, but treated all exactly the same once past babyhood. For example “oh I’ll just cook this simpler dish for ‘the children’ whilst we have adult food” - I didn’t want a children’s option but I was thought of as the difficult one for wanting the what was really the default food because brothers were fussy.

We were all put to bed at the same time throughout childhood which meant I lay in bed for hours awake - and I have difficulty with sleep now as I have a dread of not being properly tired when I lie down. I’m also naturally a night owl.

We were allowed to have girl/ boyfriends to sleep over all when the middle brother started to want it (we were also over 18 by this time but I went to a Uni with super long holidays so inevitably wanted boyfriend to stay).

I'm the opposite, my youngest dc is 11, he's not doing things his older brother (now 13) was going at 11. I think it depends on the child. My 11 year old isn't as mature as my 13 year old was at the age. He's not immature as such, he just doesn't seem that he wants to grow up. For example, all the other year 6s walk home, or to the car, my son still wants me to meet him at the school door. I do it because in September he has no choice but to go on the school bus to secondary school, so I'll make the most of it whilst I can and if it makes him happy then that's fine. Myself do, and my older son went for a walk around the village, ds 11 didn't want to come. We were gone an hour and he rang 6 times to see how long we'd be.

I was raised with my sister despite a 2 year gap. If anything i was the more precocious, I would talk for her sometimes. When we got to teens we really became aware of the gap. My parents enforced stricter rules about going to discos etc. Just because you treat them the same now doesn't mean you need to continue to adulthood. They will become acutely aware of the gap especially in secondary school. I think what you are doing is fine. I do however think one to one time is vital, regardless of age. I have twins and organise separate outings all the time, even just going to a cafe

Well it makes absolute sense that if DS2 is at the same maturity level as DS1 you would give them similar responsibilities. Both of mine seem to delight in being as irresponsible and uncooperative as possible 80% of the time, particularly when they know we're in a rush, so I think you should class it as a win.

It's quite universal that parents are anxious with their first child and then relax and are more lenient with the youngest.

Oh, totally. I have a four-year gap. The younger ones play much more independently in the local park, go to school discos and fairs (often found under a table with a candy floss etc - eldest would've been at home with half a peeled apple after a long nap), watching Disney films or random cartoons, wandering around in a tutu and wellies because I am past making a thing of who is wearing what day to day.

I don't think I've ever met a child who didn't feel able to complain!

Ime children are extraordinary good at pointing out when something isn't fair.

You should try not to, but it's inevitable.

The oldest one is always a bit useless/slow to get going. Younger ones are always a bit more on the ball.

There's a 10 year age gap between our 2 so we don't treat them similarly at all and neither of them object to that.

I think you have to parent each child for who they are and not get bogged down in "fairness". If DS is safe to be left alone at 8 then that's fine. If one needs more sleep than another then that one needs an earlier bedtime, regardless of their age.

Based on what you've said, you've never felt the need to bring 11yo down to 8yo level, and 8yo has been fine at being brought up to 11yo level, so maybe your expectations of your first born were/are too low.

Kids grown up at different rates and I think younger ones do tend to grow up faster, as they will be trying to keep up with their older siblings to some degree.

And leaving a sensible 8 year old in the house for 5 minutes is absolutely fine.

Is your elder child starting Secondary this year? They may naturally start separating more after that.

OP I agree with you completely. Leaving a sensible 8 year old in house for 5 minutes sounds completely fine to me.
Our local library has a sign up saying "Please don't leave children here unaccompanied who are younger than 8." So my 8 year old was allowed to walk there and back (very safe route) - this was only 10 years ago.

Your logic is flawed. There are a number of things that you can’t do because of an arbitrary age.
That 3 year gap is huge if you think of things like sex, vaping, smoking, drugs - and yes - being left home alone.
Age is important in many ways and if you bring them up to not understand that actually sometimes you can’t do X purely because you are not old enough, youngest will really struggle when oldest reaches the age to be experimenting with all/some of the above (and they will, no matter what you try to tell yourself).
When siblings are raised closely and are reasonably close in age, you tend to find the oldest ‘acts down’ a little and the youngest ‘acts up’ a little, and they meet each other in the middle. A child with an older sibling usually will appear more mature/older because of this. However, it’s important to remember they are actually not the same age, and not treat them as such.

And also, 8 is far too young to be left alone.

It's pretty much impossible to be completely fair and not sensible to treat them exactly the same!

When my eldest was 11, my youngest was 6. When the youngest was 11, the eldest was 16. The youngest had lots of access to tech at a much younger age.

I made sure my elder one never had to be responsible for her younger sister... we didn't leave them together until DD2 had been left alone first.

However... just across the road is very different. I've been further to put the bins out!

Many parents want to believe this. How can you distinguish it from children just accepting that things are like that "for ease and harmony" and don't feel able to complain.

In some sense it it natural, because it is you who is learning, learning how to give independence, and you are using your skill on the younger one.

So yes, don't make them into twins. Try to find at least some activities when they will get the opposite experience (the older one being the youngest somewhere and the younger one being the oldest somewhere), it will help them long term.