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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please talk me out of IVF!!

161 replies

wonderingthis · 27/06/2025 09:32

Trying to conceive DC2 since years, it's not working, husband got extremely bad sperm and my cycle is fairly unpredictable.

Having first DC was already a challenge but happened naturally after 2 years, we were immensely lucky and our child is our world.
It's not happening a second time now and we were told only chance is ICSI. There are many reasons not to do IVF:

  1. I have a prolactinoma (a benign brain tumour) that can react to IVF hormones and grow, and worst case, bleed into the brain (first pregnancy was closely monitored- natural conception is still risky but nowhere near as risky when doing IVF with the shots etc.)
  2. We would spend literally all of our savings doing IVF
  3. If I did do IVF abroad, I would have to leave my DC in the care of others for a while which I don't want to do
  4. DH is totally content with one child.

I am unable to put it out of my mind and think about it constantly. I am 37 and time is running out, and I keep thinking maybe it will only need one go and then I will be happy forever? My whole life will be "fuller" with two kids? I also think I might worry less about my existing DC if there was another one?

Or is that thinking not quite correct, for those of you who have several children?

Please, please give my head a wobble and tell me your thoughts!
AIBU- don't do it
YANBU- risk it all and do IVF

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderingthis · 27/06/2025 09:41

Melasma · 27/06/2025 09:37

I don’t know how to answer the poll- but I can say that I did the option and risked it all, and it did pay off. Similar to you I had a health condition (womb had previously ruptured) so pregnancy was very risky and I couldn’t have a norma Birth. But I was obsessed with having a second. I did get therapy to make myself feel happier if we had our son and he was an only child - but deep down I know I wanted another baby. We spent 80k 🙈 had around 8 rounds and eventually 6 years after starting ivf, we had our baby.

I think it depends on how badly you want another - logical reasons put aside and then go from there.

If it helps- a lot of people we know have 1 child and are extremely happy. I think half of my DC are only children.

Congratulations!

Yeah we cannot spend 80k, that's completely out of the question. Even 10k would be a serious stretch and diminish our savings.
Thank you for your kind words!

OP posts:
Mischance · 27/06/2025 09:41

Do not do it. Just do not do it.

You are playing Russian Roulette with your life and you child's happiness.

KimberleyClark · 27/06/2025 09:40

A prolactinoma isn’t a brain tumour but a tumour of the pituitary gland that sits underneath it. I would still not risk IVF though.

Original poster
wonderingthis · 27/06/2025 09:40

indoorplantqueen · 27/06/2025 09:38

100% no. Yous risk dying for this and leaving your child without a mother. I’d recommend therapy and start enjoying your current dc.

Thank you. I enjoy my child very much- I love every minute we spend together. That's teh thing- nothing has ever brought me so much enjoyment as being a mother, and I would just love to do it all again. And the risk of it actually happening (the tumour growing and rupturing) is low- but of course if that was to happen, I would never be able to forgive myself for not just being content. I think one big problem is that I worry so much about something bad happening to my child and thinking that having more would kind of make me more relaxed (though I don't know if this is actually how it works!)

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/06/2025 09:38

It's not silly, it's how you feel, but risking your life isn't the answer. You have to just have your feelings, but know that they can't be helped. This will pass, sometimes in life we can't have something we desperately want and eventually, that's ok. Keep focussing on what you're grateful for and being present for your child.

indoorplantqueen · 27/06/2025 09:38

100% no. Yous risk dying for this and leaving your child without a mother. I’d recommend therapy and start enjoying your current dc.

Swiftie1878 · 27/06/2025 09:37

wonderingthis · 27/06/2025 09:36

Thank you so much for your reply. I don't know why I am so desperate for a second- every pregnancy announcement leaves me in tears and I keep feeling guilty for not being able to have another (I know this is silly)!

Show quote history

That’s just your hormones - your body telling you to get a move on. It will pass and you’ll find contentment again.
Don't take such a risk. Your child needs you.

Melasma · 27/06/2025 09:37

I don’t know how to answer the poll- but I can say that I did the option and risked it all, and it did pay off. Similar to you I had a health condition (womb had previously ruptured) so pregnancy was very risky and I couldn’t have a norma Birth. But I was obsessed with having a second. I did get therapy to make myself feel happier if we had our son and he was an only child - but deep down I know I wanted another baby. We spent 80k 🙈 had around 8 rounds and eventually 6 years after starting ivf, we had our baby.

I think it depends on how badly you want another - logical reasons put aside and then go from there.

If it helps- a lot of people we know have 1 child and are extremely happy. I think half of my DC are only children.

Original poster
wonderingthis · 27/06/2025 09:36

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/06/2025 09:33

Jesus Christ OP, read back over what you've written. You're risking your health, your actual life, your child's mother, for the small potential of a second child. Absolutely, 100% do not do this.

Thank you so much for your reply. I don't know why I am so desperate for a second- every pregnancy announcement leaves me in tears and I keep feeling guilty for not being able to have another (I know this is silly)!

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 27/06/2025 09:36

With your tumour, I wouldn’t risk it. It’s more important that you are alive for your single child than that you have another.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/06/2025 09:33

Jesus Christ OP, read back over what you've written. You're risking your health, your actual life, your child's mother, for the small potential of a second child. Absolutely, 100% do not do this.