Please talk me out of IVF!!

Personally if I had one child I wouldn’t go into debt to fund IVF or risk my heath due to a high risk pregnancy.

For background I had my only child via ICSI at 37. At that stage in our lives we were financially comfortable and had been trying for 3 years. Our case was idiopathic (all tests were normal) so I just skipped the IUI route and went straight for IVF. Pregnant from my 1st cycle (lucky me). Normal pregnancy but post labor I had placenta accreta and post-partum pre-eclampsia. Obgyn said I had a 50% chance of getting each condition again with another pregnancy. TBH if I had a normal delivery I would possibly have tried again (we had plenty of savings and 1 embryo left) but too me it wasn’t worth it and the three of us are such a close, little family. It wasn’t worth risking for me.

My sister had a prolactinoma which was treated successfully with tablets. She’s since had 3 children with no problems at all. These are one of the more treatable adenomas either with medication or surgery. Is none of these an option although if you are under NHS care maybe they’re not? My sister is in Ireland. She was diagnosed at 23 and had her first child at 25. Do you know that untreated prolactinomas can press on the optic nerve? Is yours being monitored even?

I’m not sure about point 3. Yes, not dying is the priority, but presumably OP doesn’t want to risk a stroke, brain damage, the need to have a high risk operation while pregnant or any other complication that may flow from a bleed on the brain.

I had my first via ivf. No issues. Second time it worked too, but pregnancy ended up extremely high risk and with implications for my health going forward. I love my second child obviously but if I could go back I think I would’ve just stopped at 1 and not had to go through what I did and the impact me being ill had on my first child too and now whether I will live as long for my children given my now health issues - this gives me huge anxiety and thinking what have I done why didn’t I just enjoy what I had with 1!

Another friend had one via ivf, went for second and ended up with a severely disabled child who will never know them or live independently. Their lives are now medical appointments and fighting for care and respite and the impact on eldest is obviously huge too - always being second to the other siblings huge needs.

sometimes we should be content with that we have. The grass isn’t always greener!

Have you been told you can’t have embryo transfer without the hormone therapy?

I feel for you OP - I can’t imagine being in your position. You cannot help how you feel, so don’t feel guilty about wanting a second child despite all the things you’ve said.

I think if it were me I’d consider my options in this order:

1. Try naturally knowing it’s unlikely but not completely impossible given you have conceived once naturally. If it happens, great - if it doesn’t maybe get therapy to help you with your feelings around this.

2. Look into fostering and/or adoption - it sounds like you have a lot of love to give, and I think people who foster or adopt are hero’s (obviously not the ones only doing it for money or for access to children to hurt them)

3. Talk through the risks of IVF with a qualified person and if the risks were low enough, I’d consider one round of it. But with an existing child to consider, I’d want the risk of death from the tumor bleeding into my brain to be on a similar level to the standard risk of death in childbirth. Many people gave multiple children despite knowing there’s a risk of death just from giving birth - we don’t advise people to stop at 1 because of that! So if they said there’s a 1% chance of the bleed happening, and if it doesn’t there’s a 1% chance of death as a result, I’d roll the dice so to speak and go for it. If they said there’s a 90% chance of it bleeding but only a 1% chance of death, I think I’d still be happy with those odds. But if the chance of death if it did bleed was over say 30% I’d likely decide it wasn’t worth the risk. I don’t know the odds of death in childbirth so I’ve picked done random numbers to try to illustrate what I mean. Obviously you’d choose your own max risks!

4. Actively choosing to stick with one child and getting therapy to help me with that.

Good luck, sadly there is no easy answer for anyone to give you.

IVF/ICSI is really, really tough even on a healthy body and is a long process. It is full of emotion - partly because of the experience and the pressure, and partly because you are full of drugs. Yes, it is amazing and it worked for me, but in your situation I would cherish your existing child and not put your health at risk. You are very precious to them.

You are allowed to be sad for what might have been, but being an only child can be fantastic - I'm one and so is my daughter!

Basically humans are animals and we’re the ones that survived because we were the ones hardwired to breed, in multiples, to ensure our survival.

The part of you that you think is a rational part of your brain persuading you that you would have a fuller life and less worry with more kids is not your rational brain. You’re being fuelled by an innate animal instinct driven by hormones, and that is why it’s so powerful.

But you don’t have to follow that instinct. And recognising what it is, rather than getting locked in a debate with yourself might help.

It would honestly just double the worry. You wouldn't feel any less distraught if something happened to one of your kids just because you have another.
I remember being pregnant with my second, I'm very close to my nana and asked her "what if I don't love this baby as much as the first" and she replied "they bring the love with them". You would always worry about both of them because that's what mothers do. It isn't a reason to try for a second baby. What if something happened to you and you died or you were left unable to care for your child?

I'd love to have more kids but another pregnancy and especially another labor would probably kill me. I could never risk leaving my kids without a mother.

I wouldn’t in your situation. The life you can give an only child is likely much better in the sense of time and money.

Having another child doesn’t make you worry less about the existing one, what is your logic there, that you don’t worry so much because if something happens, you’ve got a spare??

You have a child who needs you and risking your life to potentially have another is not wise.

But you don't need to feel silly for feeling the way you do. There may even be a period of grief that things haven' turned out how you imagined they would. Those feelings are completely valid.

We all worry about something happening to our children however many we have. I only have 1 but I imagine it's like love..,it grows to encompass all of them. With your conditions I wouldn't risk ivf. Losing you would be far worse for your child than your feelings around having a second child. I have sub fertility and it took me 4 years to have dd. I chose not to have a second as I didn't want to be thrown back into that dark place. Dd deserved the best me I could give her.

Maybe reach out to your GP for counselling? You need to make peace with yourself and your situation.

You are so blessed with one very loved child. Don't jeopardise that.

Don't do it.
Risking your life essentially. And a stable, trauma-free childhood for your little one.

You could still have more children through other means - have you considered adoption?

If you are the kind of person who worries a lot about something bad happening to a child a second child will not stop that. You aren't suddenly going to start thinking oh its fine I've got a spare now so it doesn't matter.

All that's going to happen is you're going to worry doubly in case something happens to both of them.

Don't do this. Focus on the child you have, not some hypothetical child who may never exist.
Plus, your risks are too high.

Just a couple of things:

You don’t need to ‘do it again’ as you are already a mother.

Believe me, the worry about children makes zero difference how many you have. They’re individuals, you don’t split the worry or love.

if 10k is a stretch and all your savings then it is irresponsible.

The worst thing that could happen to your child would be losing you.
Think about this with their interests at heart rather than your own urges.