Please talk me out of IVF!!

No one goes into it planning on spending £80k, @wonderingthis
Loans loans loans.
Once you've spent the first £10k it would seem a waste not to try just once more, then just once more again. Like gambling, but for a baby.
There's are millions of women who always yearn for a/another child, the sadness lessens with time.
Enjoy the child you have.

I think OP meant that only having one means she is hyper focussed on their safety and well-being and if she had another that concern might be diluted as it were since she would be distracted by a second child and her over anxiety would naturally settle down in a more balanced way - although she herself admits she’s not sure if that would actually happen since it might just mean two lots of hyper anxiety. I didn’t read wanting a second child at all for the purposes of a ‘spare’.

Have you considered fostering or adopting?

I haven’t read all of the replies, however from what I have read it sounds that it’s the maternal loving you have to offer and companionship for your existing child which is swaying you towards another child.

I think with your situation the risks outweigh the benefits with having IVF.

I find this really a really strange way to think and it's absolutely not a reason to risk your life to have that second child.

A second child is not a replacement if something happens to the first. I have 2 and if something happened to either of them I don't think that would be made any easier by the fact I have another one, they are their own individual people and the pain would be the same whether I had one or 20 if the worst were to happen.

@wonderingthis I have one dc and always imagined having 3. I have genuinely found having one an absolute joy and as time has gone on I’ve been glad I stuck with one! There’s always part of me that wonders what if, but I would have been so much older with a second and I actually don’t think I would have been as good a mum as I am now. I hope you’re ok.

I hope this doesn't come across to bluntly. (I can't have children myself so I get it).

You are seeking 3 miracles in life.

You already have one - your child.

Now you are looking for 2 more:

1- to have a second child which will be extremely challenging, if even possible

2- for you to do so without any negative impact on your health- even though you have been advised that there's a high risk

You've been very lucky once. I would bank that and not gamble further as the risks are too high.

I had counselling, just 4 sessions but it helped hugely. I no longer struggle with it.

Also are you sure you would even be allowed IVF? I've been ruled out as risks to both me and any potential baby are deemed too high.

Age has taught me to be blessed with what I have.

Don't risk leaving your DC without their mum, you never know how their thoughts will go once grown up if anything happened to you.

God forbid they grew up thinking they weren't enough.

Everyone makes really good points especially regarding your health.
but another to consider is that if your first child is a delight, your second is likely to be the devil and incredibly hard work!

2 children does not mean double the work, in the early years it’s more than that!

if you have concerns about your health, just enjoy what you’ve got.
(Or consider adoption … what are you trying to actually achieve? … but suspect they will have feelings about your health).

I would say don’t risk leaving your child without a mum. You have a beautiful, much wanted child. Embrace that and enjoy every moment.

I most definitely don’t think you are being silly to be upset at pregnancy announcements, please be kinder to your self.
Have you ever thought about becoming a childminder?
I had 2 children but would have loved to have had a larger family, but circumstances made it impossible.
When my children were 4 and 7 I started childminding and last August after 30 (mostly) wonderful years I had to give up due to ill health.
In that time I had cared for over 300 children and I know I paid a big part in their lives and helped shape the people they had become.
I was able to give them the love and care I would have given any more children I would have had of my own (without the financial burden!!)
I would recommend it to anyone who loves spending time with children 🙂

I'll admit I don't understand why you are so desperate for a second child, but your first post makes it very clear that it would not be a good idea! Think about what you'd say to a friend in your situation - you'd be begging them not to go ahead.
Just enjoy the family you have, and be grateful.

As nice as it sounds to have two, mine have spent most of their lives actively hating each other. Most of my time with them is dealing with them arguing. Do the sensible thing and stop at the one you have. Its not worth it.

OP I have some insight into what you’re going through. I have one DS and we tried to have a second but endured a number of losses, one of which was a very traumatic TFMR. After this I decided to draw a line to protect my mental health and not keep trying.

My DS is now 9 and an absolute joy. I do occasionally still get pangs of regret that we didn’t have a second, but the jealousy of other people’s pregnancies faded significantly as DS got older, none of my close friends are having babies anymore as most had a 2-4 year age gap. Life gets so much easier as they get older and I wouldn’t go back to the baby stage now if you paid me. And there are so many advantages to only having one - DS wants for nothing and we can manage all the extracurricular activities he wants to do etc with much greater ease than my friends who have 2 or more children. He’s never been bothered about being an only either.

I do completely identify with the feeling of what if something happens to him, he’s my only one ... but you can’t go through life worrying about losing your child, so I just try to put those thoughts to the back of my mind when they do arise.

Sounds like you're really torn! It must be so difficult for you to have these feelingsorry you've got so much going on! I think the answer is already within your reasons as to why it's not a good idea. Perhaps try some therapy instead, to get some help with managing the feelings you're having instead. Xx

I feel for you OP, I really do, but I wouldn’t do this.
I think people are entitled to grieve not having children, grieve the last child they have being last or even when people imagine they were going to have a boy/girl and get the other, to grieve what you envisioned is okay (as long as you quickly make peace with it and never let it impact the love you have for your child) I think when it comes to creating your family we aren’t told enough we don’t always get what we want and life isn't fair. But that is reality. I have the privilege of having exactly the amount of children I wanted and have a mixture of sexes, although I didn’t care truthfully what flavour baby I got. I did however go through dreadful pregnancies and baby loss to get there, but I was very aware that my happiness couldn’t depend on how many dc I got to experience motherhood with and I wouldn’t have put my desire for more babies above my health had there been serious risks or financial consequences that would have impacted on the children I already had.

I am genuinely sad for you that you don’t get to experience motherhood a second time over, Im also so happy for you that you’re enjoying being a mum so much already, what a wonderful thing!

I see so many people struggle with fertility who deserve the family of their dreams and equally I see couples have endless kids that keep being taken into care, it’s soul crushing and terribly unfair, but it’s life.
Most of my friends and child free by choice and some things said to them are disgusting and shockingly rude. Often by their family. Society needs to consider how they treat women and stop asking them daft and intrusive questions about their fertility. The amount of women who can’t conceive without help and some uncle dickhead keeps asking when they’re having a baby is just so shit for them. We see it a lot on here and maybe Im stretching but perhaps women wouldn’t feel as disappointed as they do when they don’t get a boy/girl if they weren’t constantly asked “don’t you want a son/daughter/sibling for your dc” when the person could be perfectly content, they’re just being asked so frequently their then having it play in their mind.

OP, I mean this kindly but I'll be blunt because you've asked. Why on earth would you risk your life and potentially leave your child without a mother? I'm currently battling infertility and would give everything and more to have just one child. You've got your child, you've got everything you wanted when you were trying the first time. I understand that you'll be feeling like you want another child but honestly, it could be the biggest mistake you'll ever make.

OP - you wouldn’t necessarily be wrong to try IVF again hoping you’ll be lucky but why would you worry more about 1 DC rather than 2?

So - nothing wrong with trying IVF again and I hope you’re successful BUT I do think you’re thinking is incorrect re 1 and 2 DC

But if you try IVF again I personally wish you all the luck in the world! ❤️

I had some sympathy until you essentially said that you want another child in case something happens to the first?? I have thankfully never lost a child but I’m pretty sure that’s now how it works.

I actually thought you were going to write something about not wanting your child to be alone if something were to happen to you, but the idea of risking your life to have a “spare” actually just sounds incredibly selfish.

We had the same problem. DH's fertility was so badly damaged though that we had ten years of trying naturally with nothing at all. 0% motilre sperm, almost 99% were deformed. The 1% that weren't were dead.

If one more person suggested we just relax.... Grrrr.

Also adoption isn't an easy alternative to infertility and people need to stop suggesting it. You don't tell someone who is grieving to "just" go out and aquire a new family member as a means to managing their grief.

Different situation, but I feel you OP.

I have fertility issues and have suffered recurrent miscarriages. Split with my ex after having DD and thought that was it, no more. Then met DP and the possibility opened up again. Just had our second loss and he thinks he wants to stop trying. Even if we tried it might not happen, but the fact he thinks he wants to stop will be a firm door closed regardless, and gosh I am struggling with that. Mostly because I think he will regret it in years to come. And I wouldn’t split with him to have a chance of having a child with anyone else.

I am looking into therapy to try and come to terms with things. We went from maybe this is happening to suddenly bam nope that’s it for good, and I am struggling with it.

We chose not to do IVF. I am childless.

The low odds (under 10% likelihood of success for me), the need for donor sperm (husband has 0% viable sperm), the time, the emotional cost, the sheer financial cost....

It's OK not to put yourselves through it.

It's OK to enjoy your child. To enjoy your life. To carry on without sacrificing everything else.

If you really love the child you have then doing anything at all to risk them growing up without their mother. They might like a sibling, but they NEED their mum.

This is almost identical to my DH… the private urologist prescribed his tamoxifen. Really increased sperm production for natural conception after many years of infertility.