Please talk me out of IVF!!

I know adoption isn't the answer to infertility, but would you consider it for a second? I know several who struggled with secondary infertility and ended up adopting and are very happy with their family.

Personally, I want three kids - have two - but I have health conditions that make my entire pregnancies excruciatingly painful for nine months. I'm likely going to adopt our third child

I was told at 21 I couldn’t conceive naturally because I had severe polycystic ovaries. I was happy to adopt but exactly 1 year and 1 day later I gave birth to my 20 year old son. Sometimes when you stop trying and thinking about it it happens.

You'd be taking a massive risk with your health and finances for something that may not even work.

There are IVF options which are low dose which may not have an effect on your brain tumour and more closely minim natural conception - it’s also a lot cheaper

the emotional toll is significant though and it can become addictive always telling yourself the next cycle will be the one that works

I ended up spending £40k for a second child. Had twins. Marriage imploded

would I do it all again ….yes

my eldest child would likely not have the same opinion though

Every single adult knows about adoption, none more so than those who have experienced fertility issues. This is such an unhelpful response when the topic of ivf is raised.

I only have 1 child. I was nowhere near your situation but didn't have a great pregnancy and a terrible birth. The hormones kicked in when she was about 2 years old and I desperately wanted another child. But it was a head over heart decision. I was in my late 30s, had health issues and in financial strain. 15 years later, we are a very happy family of 3 and whilst I sometimes wonder what life would have been like with another child, I am incredibly grateful to have the one I've got.

Oh sweetie.

Been there. Had 6 miscarriages before having DD but was being monitored for early stage Cervical Cancer while carrying her. She wasn’t breathing at birth & I flatlined (and if anyone I know is on MN I just outed myself). We desperately wanted a sibling but we were told in no uncertain terms that it would be v v dangerous for me. It took me a couple of years ok nearly a decade to come to terms with it but we took the dr’s advice. DD is an only but she has cousins and friends that she treats like siblings.

It really, really isn’t worth risking your life for this. If you can’t settle on one child, would you consider adoption?

And also consider counselling to help you overcome any feelings of guilt.

Good luck.

Try IUI

I had 2 very close together based on the theory that they would be close in age, have loads in common and would be best friends. They are the same sex and for the last 5 years have not got on very well at all… they are very different in temperament, interests etc One of them gets on ok with their youngest sibling, the other has always said he would have preferred to be an only child.
Once they leave home I would be very surprised if my older ones stay in much contact with each other.
My nieces and nephews that are only children are perfectly happy and sociable and don’t miss having a sibling at all, possibly because they have cousins which all of mine get on well with.
With your health complications, DH contentment at one child, your age and the cost I wouldn’t try fertility treatment, maybe another child will fill the void you are feeling but there is a fair chance it won’t and then where will you go from there?
I had my last child at your age, pregnancy was a lot more tiring then it had been with my oldest children.

We have an only. Two subsequent rounds of ivf after our only failed and then I went into early menopause so that was the end of that.

For what it’s worth, our lives are very full of love and joy with one. We have the time, money and energy to devote to him and don’t have the stresses I see in so many families with multiple kids. We’re also extremely close (he’s pre teen age) and love our family time together.

i still get sad that I didn’t ultimately have the family I set out to have, but I’m very grateful for what I do have. In your situation I absolutely would not risk IVF, but would suggest counselling to help you come to terms with the decision. Fertility issues are so difficult - best of luck to you.

I was 37 when I had my last child…. Don’t do it

I clicked into your post to write go for it, but have a set number of cycle agreements as when a cycle fails, it’s easy to want to sign away more and more funds. I say this from experience and we only ended up with 1 DC

However your point number 1. totally u turned that view. Do you want to risk your health and future of seeing your DC grow for something that has extremely low odds?

Take time to grieve the child and larger family you won’t have. This is an important step. 5 years ago I couldn’t see my life without 2 DC but now I’m thankful for one.

You will then learn to accept, love and cherish being a triangle family. I wouldn’t switch it for the world now. I found looking for the positives of having an only really helped move my mindset. I couldn’t do all the adventures we go on now or give my DD the experiences she so truly loves if we had more than one. I haven’t seen you mention whether you have a DD or DS and their age, but there are so many incredible opportunities you can do with them from extra curriculars to big family trips to trips and adventures just the two of you. Having an only can be absolutely awesome

Are you generally a risk taker OP? Do you invest in risky shares, do you do extreme sports, do you gamble?
This is what you would be doing here but, potentially, leaving your child without his mother, or two children even, or what if the tumour develops in a way that you become severely brain damaged and practically no help to your existing child or two children ? What about your husband?
This is a huge, huge risk.

As regards worrying about your little one, all I can say is that the bigger they get, the bigger the worries become. And you'd worry double if you have two children. Try and ignore the worries about what ifs.

You have so much. Cherish your health and enjoy your family.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you only the very best of everything.

You're putting so much pressure on yourself. Enjoy the child you have and enjoy life. You never know, once you step back from needing a second, another miracle might just pop along when you least expect it to.

I'd thoroughly recommend a puppy. Now I'm I hitting the teen stage, the dog is often my favourite child 😊

Be kind to yourself.

Your existing child needs you alive as long as possible

Do not risk it

It’s natural to want another child but I think you have to make your peace with that grief. You cannot risk your child’s mother. It would very selfish to do that.

I meant to add my DS is my world and I can't imagine life without him or even if I could have loved a different child as much as I love and adore him .

I wish you all the very best

With your health history no I wouldn't and I say this as someone who had ICSI many years ago and had no health issues (and obviously Icsi has moved on since my day) but I was lucky enough to get pregnant by ICSI and by FET and then miscarried all babies. After a long time away we then adopted our DS.

As someone who lost their mother at a young age think of your poor child

You could end up worrying the same or more about the next child, hoping you'll relax more is not a good reason to proceed

That seems a bit mean. Lots of people want/ have two children or more for lots of reasons.

I don't see why people with infertility have to justify their desire for more children more than other people. And that goes for the "why don't you adopt" comments that go on to every fertility thread as well.

Not saying OP should risk her health doing ivf but she's allowed to want another child.

OP there is always a chance you might conceive naturally if you just keep going?