Please talk me out of IVF!!

The IVF route doesn't sound sensible to me with the health risks you've described. I have two and it can be wonderful but it is also really really hard sometimes to balance both of their needs. I regularly feel extremely frazzled and struggle to get any time to myself. Now and again I have weird random thoughts about a third (likely some sort of hormonal thing) but rationally I know having another one would be a terrible idea in our circumstances (no local or really any family who can help, elderly relatives at a distance starting to need support, both of us with a few health niggles, both children with some specific support needs etc etc). So although I occasionally have those thoughts I have no intention whatsoever of acting on them.

I voted unreasonable. I gave birth in my late 30s to my only birth child. There was no chance of me having another child

They are not my only child. I was already mother to two children through adoption of older children from foster care. That isn't a path for everyone, but there are other paths to additional children, and one child is enough.

I wouldn't do anything that would risk my existing child losing their mum.

Honestly, I think you should thank your God/lucky stars for your DC and spend your money making family memories with them rather than chasing a dream you might never realise.

If you chase this you could die and leave your DH alone with 2 DC, 1 who'd never know you and 1 who mightnt remember you. This isnt worth what it could cost you, I'm so sorry thats the case but tbh id be dubious of any Dr being OK with treating you for IVF based on the above.

This must hurt but maybe just keep trying naturally and seeing if anything happens and if not try and count your blessings anyway. You'd be nuts to do this

This does not make sense. Your thought process is absolutely unhinged.

We have one child, conceived IVF/ICSI. I was 37 when he was born. We decided not to do IVF again because we refused to get into debt to do it. Instead, we've showered our only child with love. Do I wish I'd had another? Yes. Would I have risked my health and got into debt to try (and there is only a 30% chance of it working)? No.
My son is a miracle, he is loved and cherished and I will always be grateful for him.

Wowz this thread is sub fertility bingo. Surrogacy! Adoption! Just relax!

I am in a near identical situation to you OP, although the complications on husband's side are a bit different and my endocrine issue isn't as well understood.

We have been to the IVF clinic and got a full outline of cost etc. cost even for starter would be around 12k, so may not fit your budget. They are also (rightly) unwilling to offer any treatment until my health is better understood. I think for both you and I , the call is likely better to have an only child but I appreciate the sadness and anger in that. Welcome to pm if you'd like

Hey,
I'm 36 with one dd (3). Conceived naturally after ttc 2 years and after failed IVF.
Been ttc a sibling since May 2023. Had one miscarriage and a failed embryo transfer.
We are planning another transfer. But I just don't know if I can be bothered. I'm trying to focus on the big positives of staying a 3 person family: dd gets all our attention, we can give her more experiences, more financial security, we won't need to move house as quickly. Also, I don't want a huge age gap and starting over as dd goes to school. BUT my heart aches for a sibling.
IVF is brutal. I also had a C Section and my embryo transfers are horrific because of this. I have cervical scarring from the op and it takes them forever to get the embryo through the cervix. There is no guarantee of ivf working. It's more likely to fail than succeed. I would not use all my savings for it - you could have nothing to show for it

Tumour
Brain bleeding
Already have a child that is your world.
Give your head a wobble and consider a puppy (seriously)

Could you adopt or use a surrogate if you must have another child? It sounds far too risky to carry it yourself, worst case scenario is you leave two small children without a mother.

I’m really glad you had your baby, but telling people they’re trying too hard, they just need to relax etc is really not helpful to people struggling ttc.

I would think an IVF clinic may not do it anyway If it’s so risky for you.

Absolutely this! You just can’t take the risk.

@ContraryNoodle yes this is more common than we think.
Sadly I know of two such cases resulting in 5 motherless children.
I don't know if this is happening in the UK, but clinics test for risk of, for example, breast cancer, before deciding to go ahead with IVF treatment.

Don’t do it OP. Please don’t put your health at risk and possibly leave your child without a mother.I only have one and I worry all the time about it for the same reasons you do. But ultimately there are plenty of only children out there who do just fine. You make plans for them, you build a support system. You can’t do all that if you aren’t here!

Well you might not be in a position to forgive yourself…….if it kills you

I'm sorry, but that's not how it works.
You won't worry less, you will worry more. And G-d forbid, something bad happens to either of the kids, it will take your whole heart, not half of it. If anything, having more than one child increases the odds of something negative happening to one of them (things like developmental delays, complex medical procedures, or other issues).

If you are still undecided, please, please do not consider it. My best friend opted for several gruelling rounds of IVF. She was so done with it but her husband pleaded and emotionally blackmailed her into giving it one more go. She did get pregnant that last time. Within 9 weeks following the birth, she was very unwell and had a routine check-up when she was diagnosed with an extremely aggressive and fast growing cancer. During her chemo sessions, she met several other women who also were diagnosed with cancer following IVF treatment and pregnancies.

It seems this was really not discussed at great deal during a lot of the consultations, unless you have a preexisting condition. Neither my friend or multiple women she spoke to subsequently were made aware that if you had successful IVF this could greatly increase the prevalence of cancer.

My friend ended up with multiple cancers in virtually all her organs facing a horrendous fight. She died just her daughter turned 2.

In your situation I wouldn’t, given the health risks. We conceived naturally after 2 long years and then did two rounds of IVF, none of which were successful. Two years on from that I feel mainly content with our lovely family of 3. I still get moments of sadness that there won’t ever be a second child, but I also recognise how much love, energy, time and resources we can give our only. And I’m so grateful to have her. I know people who would have loved kids and been wonderful parents who haven’t been able to have children.

I’d bet with some time and possibly some therapy you’ll get to a more content/accepting place.

What would happen if you died? What would happen if having a second didn’t work for your family? What happens if your child has a limiting illness that negatively impacts time with your first child?

I know that’s confronting but those are the worst case scenarios and you said you wanted people to talk you out of it. I get it, but it’s one hell of a roll of the dice

My daughter has a couple of friends wh9 are only children and i think their familea seem much less stressed than ours. The children get a huge benefit of money time and calm parents

Absolutely not true that you worry less. Each child brings new worries stress and exhaustion!!

Have you considered looking into surrogacy? Xx

Not quite the same as I do have 2 children but both my pregnancies were dangerous and risked my life. After my first pregnancy the advice I was given was it probably won't happen again and if it did I would be able to get treatment sooner and it wouldn't be as severe. My second pregnancy was actually worse as I didn't respond to medical treatment.
I have been strongly advised not to get pregnant again so I can't have anymore. For years I found it really hard, I think it's difficult having the choice taken from you, especially when people constantly ask if your having another one and say things like well you might change your mind when you tell them no and you didn't reply want to go into your medical history with them. At the end of the day I had children to be responsible for and couldn't knowingly risk my life but that doesn't mean I didn't need to morn for children that I couldn't have.
At some point I really wanted another and used to dream about being one of the people that didn't know they were pregnant until given birth but as time has gone on I have made peace with it and I wouldn't want another now my youngest is 15.
I don't think you worry less when you have 2, except in the very early baby days when you feel more like you know what your doing a bit more.

@wonderingthis People are quite correct that if you have more than one child, you worry about them individually and would be equally devastated if something happened to either/any of them, so I think it's from that point of view that many people are responding to your post

But I do think many people would also agree with your thoughts above. I do know a couple of people who lost their one and only child and that is very much what happened to them, in addition to losing their much loved child.

It's not skewered thinking at all - but given the reasons you have for not having any more, it wouldn't be the best reason for you to have another child, given all the risks - to your current DC as well as to yourself if something goes badly wrong?