DDs "trans phase" ending?

"You don't need to label yourself and I love you."

You've got this OP.

DD’s friends all went through this and at 17 one is still officially trans but the others aren’t. I’m not convinced the “boy” is convinced anymore as he wears girly things more and more and I wonder if he’ll rediscover himself as a she in uni.

we’ve generally gone down the “oh that’s nice/interesting” route but I did speak to her about names as all her friends were changing theirs. I said teens are naturally selfish and that’s normal but what they need to consider is that all babies are named with love. Parents choosing a name isn’t something you do flippantly and while I’d support her if she didn’t like her name, she does need to appreciate that we love her and chose that name while she was growing inside me, so changing it does have emotions attached. That wasn’t to say she couldn’t change it, she just needed to be aware it’s more that a name change and does impact others.

thankfully dd has come through. She’s gay and has a wonderful girlfriend but that’s not an issue for us. Dd2&3 think the whole trans thing is bonkers and it’s only the attention seekers in the year group doing it so I think we’re through the worst here. It’s so hard not to respond with “don’t be ridiculous, she’s a girl”. When dd1 wanted sleepovers we changed the no boys in the bedroom rule to no penis people and when she asked if David can come over if flippantly say “sure, penis or vagina?” And dd would role her eyes and say vagina. Felt like I was going insane.

Because she's 14 and called Moth.

The trans stuff is very rapidly going out of fashion in secondary schools at the moment. It’s becoming really not very cool at all amongst the younger kids. My DD is 13 and at her school the only self-proclaimed gender/trans/nb children left are in the sixth form. There are plenty of gender non-conforming girls in the lower school, but they no longer seem to label themselves in relation to gender terms — they are just girls who like short hair and a more boyish look and sports, but they don’t seem to think that makes them not girls. Refreshing!

Hold tight as you are, and I think the rapid going out of fashion of the whole business will be on your side.

My 14yo will occasionally hate me because I breathed wrong. Mostly she's fab and we get on great but in and of itself, it's not a massive problem.

OP I think you've dealt with this brilliantly. The pp who says she'll move out and disown you presumably thinks you should have immediately enrolled her at a facility like the Tavistock, signed up to Mermaids and supplied her with everything she needs to cement her (then) beliefs, making it far harder for her to voice future doubts or changes.

I wouldn’t say she’s coming out of it or that it’s just a stage. I think it’s pretty normal for a 14 year old to be confused when there are so many options given to them these days. I am a masculine female, I was a Tom boy growing up but we were not given all these labels and options, if we had been I think I would have been very confused and probably would have jumped on the non binary or trans wagon. I now have a DD who identifies as trans, I was hoping it was a stage but she’s now 21 and still wants to identify as male despite her not being masculine at all. I tell her that I love her how ever she identifies but I also tell her that I don’t understand why she has to label herself as anything.

My dd is very much like yours, my dd did move out when she was 18, she went to uni and went using her new name/identity, I think she thought it would be amazing as she could identify as male using her chosen name and everyone would except her. She made friends with other trans and non binary people but she still didn’t really feel she fit in (she has autism and a few other conditions). She’s now home and although I secretly hope she will drop the trans stuff, I don’t think it’s likely (not any time soon) but she has stopped wearing the binder.

OP, your doing a great job, raising teens isn’t easy.

Why do you say that??

That is really awful. However, that's not to say that this doesn't also happen the other way around. It could have gone down the same path had she not been validated and accepted.

It's a fine line to tread and I don't envy any parents who are dealing with this.

Then you have a shit imagination.

I sent you have handled it really well so far.

One of my closest friends has a daughter who came out as trans. My friend fully embraced it took her to special groups, organised a float at pride through her work put her child in and butterfly wings on the float, told everybody she was a boy Really really celebrated it. She kept telling her how proud she was.

At the beginning of this year two years into this I would say, the child attempted suicide and ended up in a psychiatric hospital after having her stomach pumped.

She felt that she could not tell her mother that she was not trans after all that she was a woman as her mother had been so proud of her for being so open about being trans and she felt that her mother. I would not be proud of her anymore if she was just an ordinary woman. Thought there was no going back, that she would have to tell everybody and nobody would be celebrating at this time. The whole thing was awful for everybody.

I increasingly think that this narrative that children only kick off in environments where they feel safe is trotted out to make grown ups feel better about the crap job they've done of parenting.

That was last year. Since then shes decided she hates me.

Why has she decided she hates you?

Are you also 14, by any chance?

You can’t possibly be a parent yourself.
OP you are doing a fantastic job, keep on as you are x

Ridiculous 🙄

I completely disagree with this. If your YP tells us they hate you, be proud that they feel safe enough in the relationship to say this. I think the poster is taking exactly the right stance

Forgive OP for what?

Stop weaponising fear to groom parents into affirming something which could be harmful to their child.

If you are not ashamed you bloody well should be.

She wouldn't be getting away with telling me she hates me for a start, in our house! She does sound like she needs firmer boundaries and a bit less indulgence, tbh - most of what she's coming out with is just this generation's fads.

Neither can I tbh
i am currently ttc aged 38 first child and with each miscarriage i cry thinking how lucky she was to have three lovely ( albeit we are not perfect humans) daughters and how awfully she treated us

i was a disappointment in her eyes graduating from an elite university due to the inconvience of the cost of my graduation gown - you get the picture

you sound lovely op and your daughter is lucky to have you

I’d massively affirm the Nic/Nicola choice, and tell her it’s very perceptive and forward thinking of her to choose a name that allows her the maximum freedom of expression in adulthood.

Make opportunities to mention ‘maximum freedom of choice’ in adulthood, planning for the future etc.

It’s what we do with their exam choices so there are lots of related opportunities to raise it.

You can do anything to your hair and clothes and still have options in the future.
Breasts and hormones less so (but don’t mention it!). Stick to the positives and well done.

Teens pushing you away is normal. You need to find a balance between giving them nothing to push against so they get ever more extreme, and clamping down so they again get ever more extreme!

It’s great that she’s telling you her new name etc.

One thing to be aware of is names on documents. It may be worth suggesting she stick with the birth name for official things so that her docs stay matched, but use ‘known as’ for day to day things. Just paint it as a way of avoiding hassle in future with banks/jobs etc.

My sister is gay and my mum told her she would rather she committed suicide than was gay - she was 18 at the time and disowned by her. She went to uni and done well (no support finacially) - got married last year nearly 40 mum turned up late and left early huffing and puffing saying she didnt like the pride flag. Mum said my sister was disgusting etc

and my mum wonders why none of us elect to talk to her or spend anytime with her now

so as long as you are not going on like that you are doing brilliantly !

For what?

My DD was very similar at that age although without the hate stuff, and I had a similar reaction to you, although I also refuse to use a new name. She's now about to turn 16 and very much using her actual name and wearing lots of very feminine clothing etc. So I think it is a bit of a phase at 14 and you sound like you are coming through it.