DDs "trans phase" ending?

OP I found my teen was really struggling at that age too. My teen had a group who was hyper focused on being transgender. Out of the 7 friends, 5 ended up with transgender identities. In the end, the severe mental health issues within the group meant my teen found it much better for their own mental health to leave the group. Now as a uni student, my teen looks back and now agrees with many of the issues that they fought us on.

But that period of 14/15 years was hard on the family dynamics.

"You don't need to label yourself and I love you."

This is great.

She’s doing no such thing.

tbh I think she’s behaving with admirable restraint, not so much in relation to her child’s ‘identity’ as to the general disrespect. Maybe a lot of teens are like this but I think it’s mistaken to say that this is normal! (The poster with the list including poking the cat’s eyes sounded a lot like the toddler ‘cutted up pear’ vibe tbh!)

If anything I think maybe the OP has been a bit too reasonable and not set quite firm enough boundaries earlier on - but they are where they are and it sounds like the child is maturing a bit so things will hopefully improve all round.

My goodness OP I don't think I would have navigated this so well. You are doing brilliantly. Makes me realise I had it pretty easy with my two DD's.

Does she know she can legally change her name at some point? Do you think knowing this may make her a bit happier regarding her given name?

You really should be ashamed of yourself

Sounds a bit like a friend’s Gdd, formerly very much into ‘girly’ things, who decided at around the same age that she was a boy, and chose some ‘way out’ name that isn’t usually even a name. According to friend she had always been a bit of ‘a little madam’ so assumed she was doing it because a) it was very fashionable, and b) it would really piss her parents off but they wouldn’t feel able to object.

So the parents were (apparently) fine with it (evidently not the desired reaction) and after a year or so the novelty eventually wore off and she reverted to more or less the former norm.

Firstly, you are doing really well, but you must feel extremely stressed. I have been through something similar and it can be overwhelming. It does sound like her 'trans identity' is not as fixed as she thought, and you should be applauded for giving her the space to row back.
You may indeed find that she comes out of it more once she changes schools. My son. who is a little older but had secretly got hormones, appears to have broken off contact with anyone he may of mentioned his new identity to. They can feel a bit embarrassed by it all.
I would second what someone else said about neurodiversity. Although I'm cautious about laying everything at the door of ND, my son has since had a diagnosis of ADHD.
Again you are doing so well. You are allowing her space, you aren't dictating, you aren't guilt tripping her, but you are reaching places together where you can move forward.

And yes, as everyone else says, she hates you because she's 14

Edited to add: on the name, I really hated mine for years. Mainly because people didn't get it quite right. She may even come to like hers, but it's no biggy if she doesn't

She went on to say that she is changing her name again. This time she wants a "professional female name" that has a masculine shortened version.

This seems sensible and sounds like a young woman who is navigating her own path through all the nonsense that is being thrown around

This is the trouble when adults aren’t adulting properly. I agree with other PP that it can be a difficult line to tread as one of the main tools used by trans activists is parental alienation.

OP, some of your daughters’ emotional conflict and declaring that she ‘hates’ you is likely a product of trans activist influence (as well as a dose of normal teenage angst).

As part of the grooming and indoctrination of vulnerable kids, they set impossible bars for parental behaviour (immediate and complete affirmation and celebration of the declaration of a trans identity) and insist that families who don’t comply should be punished with no contact or various coercive or manipulative behaviours (like threatening to commit suicide).

Some trans activists have been online advocating for ‘trans’ kids to use a loud whistle in reaction to failure to use demanded pronouns, they have advocated no contact with families, especially elderly relatives - even if dementia prevents any level of understanding of the grandchild’s new ‘identity’. I think there was even a teen tv drama that set this up as a scenario recently where the elderly relative not believing that her grandson was now ‘granddaughter’ made her the bad guy.

It is highlighted on a current thread in FWR that childhood gender dysphoria is most frequently a TEMPORARY mental health condition, mostly resolved by the child maturing through puberty. I’m so glad your child is maturing and resolving her growing up issues with minimal harm (hopefully no lasting damage from the binders?)

Trans ideology is being demonstrated for what it is - lies and abusive behaviour by men against women and girls.

Forgive OP for beign condescending and miffed the child is finding their own identity and is not yet sure who they are at the age of 14.

@Thismightbeouting I think a lot of this is the name thing though and even in your post there is a lot of sensible name and sadness and I think issues with the fact she changed her name and that you never called her it

sje doesn’t hate you she hates herself and a name change is a way of changing who we are - incredibly common in today’s society - the issue being that actually it can go further and then it can become much more problematic

Don't be silly.

OP this sounds awful for you and it sounds like you've behaved admirably. It must be heartbreaking having her speak to you like that.

OP I have a FTM 22 year old who is still banging the drum since the age of fourteen.
Initially she wanted full surgery and a name change. Nothing has happened.
She has her paperwork and money.
However from being called TERF, bigot, transphobe we can now talk about trans rights. My DD is neither gay or bisexual. So I still don't get it. She has a boyfriend and wants chikdren.
We had a fabulous talk last night about glam rock. She asked me what people use to say about these pop stars and I said 'nothing' we just accepted people as people.
She is at university and that can be a hotbed of transactivists but they're mostly non binary or A sexual in her friendship group. The uni vicar is a bit too confirming for my liking! She has made one friend who is MTF but seems very helpful to my dd re PhD studies and goes about their business quietly. No strippers kit!
The difficult bits were the American TRA who push surgery and abandoning your family for 'glitter families' if you didn't agree to everything the DC came out with. The pushing of suicide threats and stats is very real.
I did a lot of 'yes sweetie' I'm the first few years but I have slowly refused to agree with the ideology.
The Supreme Court ruling had her up in arms but she now understands the reasons. She didn't talk to me for days.
I see a change in my daughter.
Be careful around names. My daughter can't get a part time job. Her birth name doesn't match her application name and it confuses people. Easier to employ someone else without potential drama.

Exactly. That post was ridiculous. OP has done nothing wrong.

I'm surprised your child has gotten away with repeatedly telling you she hates you, OP. That's ridiculous, too.

At the Globe? We saw that a couple of weeks ago, there seemed to be a lot of parallels didnt there?

Oh Christ OP, ignore the dickhead, they've got nothing useful to add.

You sound like you're handling this brilliantly, even though I understand the constant teen hate is wearing. The 'that's nice dear' approach is sensible and you also sound like you have given her enough space that she can change her mind and come back out of it, without losing face. You stand a very good chance of ending up with a daughter that loves and respects you, and looks back on her teenage 'Kevin' years, of being so hurtful and rude, with regret and embarrassment (in the face of your continued obvious love and support). She might even apologise one day in the very distant future.

My personal experience (limited, admittedly, to 2 kids - one mine, one the daughter of a friend) would lead me to ask you to consider if there's any neurodiversity going on. Sometimes when a kid feels they're different and feels they don't quite fit, gender is something they can latch on to as a reason for how they're feeling. There's a lot of messaging around that supports them in this.

Your dd changed her name and label but it didn't fit. She might go through several more. If being the wrong gender isn't whats causing her to feel different then changing it won't fix how she's feeling.

Do a bit of reading around adhd and asd and see if you think there's anything there that might ring a bell.

I took the same 'that's nice dear' approach as you. After the ADHD diagnosis there was never another word about gender.

So true 😂😂

What on earth was she doing in your bed? 😂

My best friends daughter has just come out the other side of this. She was ‘Meghan’ (not real name) until 13 when she ‘came out as a trans boy’ for around 2 years and we all had to call her ‘Mike’ (again not real name) which we dutifully did.

It was quietly dropped without fanfare from anyone and I happily dropped of ‘Meghan’ and my daughter to prom this week, both very much girls in their lovely prom dresses.

Jawd'uhn is terrible, Jordan is perfectly fine and I know male and female Jordans living good lives.

It's nothing to do with it being unisex and everything to do with it being an atrocious misspelling of a normal name in a poor attempt to be yooneek.

Thanks @DisappearingGirl

I have 3 teen girls so I’m in the thick of it. I’ve also learned never feed the drama (sometimes fail on this one). If they scream “I hate you” I’ll walk off and make a cup of tea then sit in the garden or on my bed ignoring the abuse. I’m not being verbally abused in my own home so I ignore. They honestly hate being ignored more than they hate being shouted at! If you want me to answer, you have to speak to me civilly. We don’t have much anger thankfully. Dh gets caught out by hormonal outbursts occasionally which he tries to manage with his very logical male brain (that’s not to be advised imo).

Taylor swift did ok with her unisex name

I saw The Crucible (brilliant by the way and so current). In it an old lady called Rebecca Nurse says if the girls "I have seen them all in their silly seasons... I think she'll wake when she tires of it." and I thought ‘spot on’.