Surviving life with a strong willed daughter

I have two well-behaved, compliant children and one strong willed determined one (although mine is a boy and the youngest). They are close in age like yours.

I definitely found that I had to parent him differently. He "got away" with stuff that the other two wouldn't have, because otherwise I'd have been fighting with him all the time! I focused on the big things (eg hitting) and let the smaller stuff go. I guess it was still fair in the sense that for some reason he seemed to find it harder to follow rules which came naturally to his older brother and sister. So in a way I was rewarding the effort rather than the result. Lots of praise and telling him I loved him.

Could she have her own room and the other two share? Would that remove a source of conflict?

My DC are all teenagers now. The youngest is 15yo and he is genuinely amazing. Everyone loves him - adults and kids - he's a natural leader but also kind. All that tricky stuff has become a force for good. Hopefully it will be the same for your DD.

A natural consequence would be her sister hitting her back. Or her sister refusing to talk or play with her, or refusing to share any of her things.

It feels to me like she is on an 'any attention is good attention' track. By putting on the wrong thing, by hitting etc she is getting your attention in telling her off, threatening her with consequences, negotiating with her, whilst her better behaved siblings are getting less attention. What worked for us is when my daughter said something I knew she was trying to provoke a reaction, I just said 'ok' and walked away and engaged in an activity with a sibling. She was 'aren't you going to say anything' and I said 'no I'm not'. An argument takes 2 people and if you don't engage it generally stops much quicker

Hitting a sibling would be the area to focus on, and worry less about the other stuff. She’s 7, so still quite young. I’d probably talk to her at a quieter time and say when you hit someone it hurts. You wouldn’t like it if they did that to you. You mustn’t hurt other people.

Then in the moment you repeat that message, and separate them. Maybe the natural consequence is that they can’t play with their sibling until they have calmed down and must come and help you (or another adult) with some (possibly very boring) task that you’re doing.

💯 agree, then it becomes a slapping competition.
She'll get there OP, she just needs more understanding and direction.
It'll be worth it in the end. 💓

The McDonald's consequence didn't work because she got her own way in the immediate time. In a situation like this it becomes more of a bribe.

You need to match her up the stairs and stand there until she changes. If she refuses then you do it for her.

She's being physically violent and basically getting away with it because it's obvious she doesn't care about the consequences you are currently using.

Stop giving her the option to disobey you.

Absolutely this. I was one of those girls. I think I drove my very quiet Mum to distraction. But I have to give her credit. She told me she disagreed with my choices, warned me of consequences, but ultimately let me find my own path. And I learned many valuable lessons along the way, some good,some bad, but most of all I learnt to hold true to what is important to me and stand up for it despite others opinions.

My strong willed DD is an amazing performer so we have just diverted her energy into that and she gets to shine on a stage and her more sensitive siblings than feel proud of her. She basically needs a challenge other than challenging those around her.

Consequences work better than punishments. The consequence of her wearing a too big skirt is that she’ll be uncomfortable for the day and have to keep adjusting it etc. Explain that to her and if she makes that choice anyway then let her get on with unless it’s a choice that will cause actual harm to her. I’d remove the too big skirt though and make sure she has couple options of suitable clothes and that way she still feels that she has control of her clothes etc without it causing issues.

The skirt example you should have picked your battles. If it was ridiculously big it would have fell down before she left the house so if it didn't really what was the harm?
It sounds like you are both stubborn and stuck in a cycle. What you are doing isn't working it might work with your other kids but they are different people and the danger is she grows up thinking she's the 'bad one'. I'd praise the good behaviour and ignore anything minor where she just wants her own way. It's interesting you say the room has to be tidy because her sister likes it tidy (lets face it most of us would). But this child doesn't so in her eyes you are siding with her sibling I'd let her keep her half how she wants say nothing and she will probably tidy it herself out of embarrassment if they have friends over

I have a strong willed daughter (who would only wear what she wanted to wear as a toddler, and beyond, for example). I took the view that she would be a great and assertive adult and I didn’t want her to lose that by making her be a compliant child. I have tended to go with letting her live with the consequences of her own decisions (superhero costume in the winter = cold, but then less likely to do it again) plus we do lots of negotiation. Obviously, some things aren’t up for discussion but there often can be a compromise.

So in your example, if she wants to wear the skirt that’s too big she would find out for herself why that wasn’t a great idea if it fell down or whatever the issue was.

She’s now 14 and still great. She still tests boundaries from time to time (she recently took several inches off her school skirt and rehemmed it without telling or asking us) but is very independent and capable, with strong friendships.

as a follow on…bribing never worked with her either!

When my daughter was around 3, I was parked next to an expensive super car and my daughter was kicking off refusing one thing or another.

I then saw the owner of the car walking towards me and I thought ‘that’s all I need…him joining in worried about his car’. He came up to me calmly and said ‘her attitude that makes you frustrated today, will make you proud tomorrow…just try not to scratch my car in the meantime’ he then stepped back and waited for me to sort things out and waved me off when I finally got in the car.

my daughter is now nearly 14 and he was right. Raising a strong willed daughter is not easy but as others have mentioned, pick your battles and let them fail safely. Giving her responsibility and independence helped massively.

looking back, I was a strong willed child and was always made ‘playground supervisor’ or ‘anti bullying ambassador’ which I thrived on. My daughter was given similar responsibilities. I often wonder if teachers do that deliberately as they know how best handle the strong willed ones.

...she loses out on play dates

That's a bit worrying. She loses out on opportunities to be herself with friends, who don't have the baggage of relationships with her 2 sisters and their behaviour. Those opportunities are really valuable and will be something she cares about, so could develop more cooperation.

My third daughter was like this when she was younger, it was absolutely exhausting because sometimes you just want to say something and they do it rather than every single little thing being a battle. No bribe or threat ever worked with her, it was just "no, no, NO" to everything.

She's now 13 and much easier because she now realises why I ask her to do things for the most part. She is much more reasonable and even if she doesn't want to do something she usually just moans but then does it anyway. She has a very strong sense of justice/right and wrong and will absolutely stand up for anyone if she thinks they are being wronged. She'll go far I'm sure!

As a parent of a “strong-willed” daughter I get the frustration. It took me many years to realise that:

• natural, intended consequences are the best way for a child to learn
• pick your battles
• you cannot control your child, only guide them
• the only person you can control is yourself
• always talk about the behaviour you’re unhappy with, not the child (one child is not good and the other bad for example).
• nobody wins in a battle of wills
• make time to bond with them 1:1 (this should not be a reward, this should be a given)
• say yes more than no

you have two ‘compliant’ children (let’s not use good and bad) so it’s easier with them.

but that ability to stand their ground and speak their mind will stand them in good stead when they’re an adult.

take time out for yourself, look at parenting and anger management classes.

mine is now a successful and kind adult and we have a close relationship after several fraught years.

My strong-willed dd would argue the hind leg off a donkey if I let her. But you have to walk away and not let that happen. You will only engage if your dd expresses herself respectfully.

What she really wanted though, and why she was defiant in the first place, was that she wanted more autonomy and choice in decision-making and independence that it would be appropriate for a child of seven, or ten or 12 to have. They are usually bright these dc. Frustration drives the boundary-pushing. So what you have to do is keep giving them activities that are just slightly above their competence level and give them responsibility and choices but within the confines of home, a sport or activity. And choose your battles carefully.

You have to have a strong boundary and clamp down on anything life threatening, but other than that, it’s often not necessary to make them compliant for compliance’s sake.

Talk through the issues with them. Is that a good idea? If so why? Give them the power to make the decision once they are aware of the pros and cons. Say things like “I trust you to make an intelligent decision”. Let them suffer the consequences though when it goes wrong and don’t rescue them from that.

And most important of all, it’s very easy to take their non-compliance very personally and feel that they are doing it deliberately to cause you grief. And yes there may be an element of seeking power and one upmanship by winding you up, but usually their outside behaviour is a reflection of what’s going on internally. So step back slightly, pause, breathe, tell her you will get back to her if you have to, rather than make instant responses, slow it all down and be very objective in how you respond. Don’t stoke the fire by allowing yourself to feel hurt. Try and look at this dispassionately as a normal albeit demanding parenting phase that will improve with time. And get up every day wiping the slate clean and expecting positive things from them. Regular one on one interaction will help.

Honestly a child like this would probably hit back anyway if someone slaps her

So even if that was right (which I don't think it is) it wouldn't work

Sounds like you are both defiant.
Raising a strong willed child isn't easy, I have one. Breaking their spirit doesn't win any prizes.
I use the choice theory method, now DS 10, still strong willed, is a pleasure most of the time.
Pick your battles, you're the adult.
We need strong willed people in the world, someone has to raise them.

So daughter refuses to change and you just walk up to her and slap her? Awful, can’t wait until this soon becomes illegal.

So if you have a disagreement with your DH, you do something he doesn't agree with or you refuse to do something .... you're ok with him giving you a slap or two?

I’m not saying it is this, but might be worth a read about PDA pathological demand avoidance. Our daughter is being assessed soon so I’m not an expert but some of your comments ring true with us. Rewards and consequences have never worked with her. Low demand parenting, declarative language can help.

I'm going to get into a big disagreement on here but I would use smacking after repeated refusal to do as she's told. I myself used it when parenting my children in England. Now they are all grown adults who have smashed school and uni and are having thriving careers.