Surviving life with a strong willed daughter

Never suggest something as a punishment that is disproportionate and you won't follow through with. Find the things she cares about. Zero screen time for the night is much better than no day out with mummy for example.

Honestly if you have asked nicely and explained why she can't wear it and she's refusing to get changed at 6 I would just change her, ignore the tars and tantrums and take her into school( in her knickers if she refuses to put the correct clothes on)with the clothes in a bag.

I think in this situation, you need to reframe it. If you want to get £x, you need to tidy your room. If you don’t want £x, then don’t tidy it.

My daughter is six a very strong willed. We went though an awful stage last year when it was constant battles. I’ve started to let natural consequences happen- like your skirt situation. I’d tell her it’s too big and will slip down. She doesn’t listen? Okay, wear it then. It’s on you. I’m the same with my daughter and her coat- a few times of her not wearing it in the cold and she started to listen to me when I said she should really wear it.

Giving choices on things that don’t really matter helped to. So “ do you want peas or carrots with your dinner?”, “ do you want to wear this dress or that dress today?”. We used to butt heads on socks and knickers (I never picked the right ones according to her), so I just put them in a box and she picks them herself in the morning. It’s a small choice but gives control.

Also have you read Ross greene the explosive child?

I know how sort of shameful it can feel having an older child who hits ...people expect it from toddlers not 7 8 9 year olds.

But some children do not become emotionally regulated until an older age

Hard as it is...practice absolutely calm parenting ! When you change and she isn't getting a rise or getting further dysrgeulated she will calm down.

I practice low demand parenting...it's an autistic parenting technique but you could read about it

Would an more playful approach work ?

(My daughter has pda autistic profile and neither bribes or threats work with her)

So..really dont show your annoyed..jusr try and stay super calm and zen and laugh

I mean thr skirt thing is funny right ? Just laugh and say yeh nice try let's get the right one one. Go up and just stand over her whole she changes.be persistent

Or. Let her wear it and she might back down when she realises it's comfy
.with hitting. I just stay calm and say no we dont do that.

My daughter is 11 and until she was about 9 or 10 she hit (she is autistic).

She has actually massively calmed down recently and never hits anymore

If you think the mcdonalds trip would have benefited you and her. Don't use it as a threat.

Do these little.bits of defiance really matter?

My son is strong willed and so was I. I’d say firstly pick your battles and secondly, natural consequences.

Does it really matter if she wore her skirt (maybe if it was against uniform policy) but if not I’d have said - fine. However your skirt is too big, if it falls down at school I won’t be bringing in spares. I also second not adding it to her wardrobe unless it’s ready to be worn.

I also think what has her skirt got to do with McDs? My son is super switched on but a consequence which is too removed doesn’t work (he’s 6).

I feel for you though! We have bedtime battles, he looses all manner of things and it doesn’t make a darn bit of difference.

one of the options shouldn’t have been to keep the skirt on if it’s too big. I’d have told her to take it off, end of. Why negotiate with her?

One other brilliant bit of parenting advice I took on board for my strong willed child was "give me a reasoned argument".

Obviously not for every situation because who has time for that, but used sparingly for the more important things it's brilliant for getting you both out of a no win scenario with escalating frustration on both sides.

So child wants to do/have x and you've already said no. You don't want to flip flop and undermine yourself. Child thinks x is the most important thing on earth. You say "Give me a reasoned argument why I should agree." Tell them to go away and have a good think about it. They need to pursude you with facts and mitagations. You both get some breathing space, they come back an advocate for themselves. Hear them out and you might agree to x or you might not, but it's respectful and considered and there's often a compromise they find themselves which helps you agree. And they feel listened to and empowered.

OP
it sounds like you are raising my daughter! She is 13 and actually has ADHD but I have struggled with this with DD. I try to actually be a bit breezy with her and pick my battles but it’s so so hard and I expect my kids to behave a certain way and have tidy rooms and do homework as soon as they get it, but I really have to parent her differently, which in turn makes my 2 other children feel a bit like why should they bother and try as hard as they do.

“Because I said so” is not, in fact, an argument.

its really just the famous bit of novel writing “Shut up” he explained. And just as offputting.

I think this post shows a fundamental misunderstanding of how some children’s brains are wired.

For some reason “because I said so” is never going to work. And they’ll just end up miserable and resentful.

Agree with this, send her to her room when she hits and focus on the sister she's hurt. Then speak to her when she's calm

My daughter is like this (also 7), but sorry, OP, consequences like your's don't work. You're entering a battle of wills and you're never going to win this way. She's exerting control (often because of anxiety), and once they are in it they DO NOT have the tools to get out of it. It isn't just a case of 'doing what she's told'.

In the situation you give, I would have asked her once and if she refused, I would have smiled, taken her by the hand and chattered about lovely different clothes and lovely McDonalds and gone upstairs with her to change.

The point is, the larger skirt was for the autumn, when she will have grown into it. Mum wants to keep it looking smart for then, not have her running round a playground in it now. She has plenty of uniform for now that she can wear. Ok, perhaps putting it in a drawer out of sight would have been a better idea with hindsight, but an 8 year old needs to understand sometimes that 'because I said so' is an argument in itself.
There is a fine line between 'strong willed = knows her own mind and strong willed = bratty, and I think you know which one she is more right now.

I had one!!! She had a meltdown one day because she couldn’t wear jeans as a top - it wasn’t physically possible but hey, she wanted to.

As others have said, you want your DDs to be strong willed but it is hard, always battling. Mine is now 25 and doing well in a challenging profession.

The best advice I ever got was “you have to work with the child you’ve been given” (Also - never ground them as then you’re stuck r we both them!). So you know what she’s like, what might set her off etc so you can possibly predict some of the battles and head them off at the pass.

I used to let DD do stuff I knew would turn pear shaped rather than talk her out of it. Eg, she once wanted to wear a Halloween outfit to to a Christmas party when she was about 7. I said “ok” and ran with it despite my sensible head wanting to talk her out of it. She came back from the party all annoyed because the other kids kept telling her it was Christmas not Halloween, why was she dressed like that. So that never happened again - but rather than just forcing conformity, I would ask her “what is the most important thing about this party to you?” then go from there.

on the plus side - she was strong willed as a teen and didn’t do the underage drinking, smoking etc as she was happy to say “nah, not for me” rather than buckle to peer pressure.

You are trying to over power her and it doesn’t work so you need to change it. Keep consequences for the big stuff and make it something that will hit - loss of screen time?

The day to day you have to manage her environment, try to prempt situations and manage it before it happens. The skirt is an easy one - don’t leave it in her wardrobe. Won’t tidy up make it a competition or stick music on and dance while tidying together. Won’t eat her veg keep offering it and promoting healthy choices but blend it in to sauce/smoothies so she’s still getting nutrients. Won’t put her coat on she gets cold. Focus on positives , lots of praise, help her feel in control by having a routine and boundaries and letting her make some choices on her life.
There’s a great book called The explosive child that might help.

Asking yourself the question “is she actually doing something wrong/harmful or is she just not doing what I want her to” is helpful. Sometimes my annoyance is because I don’t have time to discuss or negotiate rather than because my DD is doing anything wrong, she’s just not doing it my way.

My ex MIL (who was a social worker before retirement) used to say of my exh that she worried about other children like him who grew up in families where there was potential for abuse.

She said that if he decided he wasn’t going to do something he absolutely would not ever do it, and that an abusive parent could literally have killed him and he wouldn’t have backed down.

Now this made for a very annoying quality in a husband - and we ended up divorced- but I do think there’s something in the idea that some people just don’t have it in them to back down - or at least the parents’ job to coach them into a situation where they learn to be able to work together with others. Not to try to break them, but to help them with coping mechanisms.

So not saying ex MIL did things perfectly but it was an interesting observation on her part!

Can you see how saying “they are good” - with the implication that she isn’t inherently good - is going to do unbelievable damage to her.

She isn’t “not good” she’s just wired differently to her compliant sisters.

Have you thought of changing so that the eldest and youngest share a room?

Sometimes the middle child is the last one thought of as needing their own space but they are equally in need of it.

I think thus is setting all your children up for failure. The two goody-two-shoes won’t do right (chores/cleaning) unless they are paid and she won’t do it at all.

I agree with pp. I would expect teamwork, chores, good behavior as a family style and keep money separate.

Also take a look at “the explosive child” by ross green. He has useful advice about conflict between parent and child.

Why can't the eldest and youngest share and Miss Dynamic gets her own room?

Hitting is 100% not on I agree - very different to just not wanting to put a skirt on or these kind of “ordinary” refusals though.

Oh god, this situation needs to change very quickly.

The job of a parent is not to break a child’s will, it is to help them grow into a responsible adult, who will be able to take their own decisions sensibly.

She doesn’t need to blindly obey you.

She may or may not have something called pathological demand avoidance (it’s common with ADHD for example) but whether she does or not, Google low demand parenting. This involves making collaborative decisions with your child - guiding them to appropriate ones obviously - and working with rather than against your child. It works pretty well for all children tbh!

The world needs more strong willed women. Don’t try to break your daughter’s spirit with punishments - she will need it!

Edited some typos!

I was a very strong willed child. My mum would have let me wear the too big skirt. I never listened and had to learn/decide things for myself - and my mum let me. My first born daughter is the same.

I think you're being unnecessarily controlling and a bit harsh to take away a treat because of her wearing a too big skirt. Why does it matter? Did you just not really want to take her to McDonald's?

Incidentally I'm the most successful career wise out of all of my siblings (who were less strong willed) so there's a definite advantage in life to being a leader. I'm proud of my strong willed daughter.

Are you expecting her to grow that much in the next few months?!😆 what happens when you talk to her about her decisions? Can she explain why she wants to do x or is she just contrary eg. Wants to do everything that you say she can't do?