To think that primary schools are sending a really shitty message to well behaved kids

This was how it was for me when I was in primary school about 20 years ago, sad that nothing has changed! I was quiet, always did work during lessons, didn't bully anybody or cause any trouble, did all my homework and got nothing for it. Naughty kids got certificates, gold stars, stickers, chocolate, mentioned in the weekly newsletter and always got picked for things. Was the same in secondary school too. I think the lack of praise in school laid the foundations of my miserable, pessimistic personality. Just kidding, I'm over it, but it's horrible that your DD is not getting the recognition she deserves. It sends out a really bad message that being average/good gets you nothing in return, and if you play up enough then you get attention and bribes!

Sadly, this continues into the workplace. The drama llamas & loudmouths get all the praise & the consistently, hardworking go unnoticed. It’s crap.

Similar here with DS7 (age, not number of child!). Pretty average academically, pretty quiet and just gets his head down. Just goes really unnoticed. As has been said, all the attention is on the extroverted and/or high-achievers or those with SEN and behavioural difficulties.

The school have both star and reader of the week awards, so there's obviously enough weeks for everyone in the class to get (at least) one. He was very near the end of the list for getting both and all the star of the week one said it was for was "upholding the school's values". His teacher couldn't have found something more personal that he'd achieved that week?!

He's also never been cherry-picked for any of the extra-curricular enrichment stuff that a handful of kids from each class get to do each time, like police cadets, special sports coaching, science gala, visiting another school for athletics, etc.

We obviously give him lots of praise at home, but sometimes they do need some external validation. I know it's not the same, but what I've tried to do is find his 'thing' outside of school. He does a few clubs, eg Beavers, but after noticing an interest/aptitude in climbing, have signed him up for bouldering which he loves and gets singled out for praise in 🙂

My son did have a word. Younger child who was challenging was always coming home with stickers as a bribe really. When he did mature and shape up the stickers stopped. Son told the head the whole system was back to front because the older child who was always good rarely got a sticker unless he came top in class while his little brother just had to put his bum in a seat for a whole lesson, he came home with four stickers one day. 🙄

My well behaved DD was also ignored and in Y6 put on a table with some children who had persistent behaviour issues. One day their table was removed and they were made to sit at the back of the class on a crash mat - for 3 days - until I found out. Couldn’t see the board and nothing to lean on to write. This was 4 years ago, not in the 1950’s.

That teacher received an email. They phoned me attempting to justify it with the most nonsense explanation I’ve ever heard to justify an entirely ridiculous punishment (even for those misbehaving). He then pulled my DD to one side to tell her off she’d ’told her mum’ and he had to deal with me complaining. Too right I did - little did he know how much it was going to escalate after that stunt.

I’m a school governor (different school) and have enormous respect for teachers. Yet, the system is broken. We hear how lesson plans are designed for every level of capability in the class, yet they are so stretched there is often a failure to bother to do the same for rewards and recognition - which is infinitely easier to achieve.

Sorry your DD had to learn this lesson at such a young age like so many.

But the teachers really don't know how hard it is for some of the quiet kids to stay quiet, I was a well behaved child at school and it took a monumental effort on my part and I would often explode in anger or tears after school, it was the same story for one of my kids at primary, she held it together all day and would explode at home. So it can be hard for all kids, not just those who do act out.

Well behaved girls being sat next to troublemakers has been an ongoing problem in my daughter's school as well. We had to raise it with the school because she came home saying she was being disrupted from her work and was worried about getting in trouble, we raised it and the teacher said 'yes I had noticed she wasn't finishing her work'. She hadn't even questioned why that might be, hadn't spoken to my daughter about, just 'noticed' it. So twice we had to contact the school - both times their answer was to move her to a different seat but the second time we did ask why she was being moved when she wasn't the problem. God I do appreciate that schools and teachers are in a very difficult place but sometimes there doesn't seem to be any common sense. These quiet average children moved from pillar to post, buffering other children, trying to just get on with things.

And don't get me started on the Dojo points at my daughter's school, there's 16 in her class, each week they give out 2 certificates for Dojo winners so each child should get a few certificates each. My daughter has had it once all year despite the fact she's never put a foot wrong and tries really hard in all of her work, something the teacher was keen to tell me at parents evening but for some reason doesn't reward her in class.

This doesn’t apply to all primary schools- my sons primary school make every child in the class a superstar at some point over the year where they are celebrated for a day. He’s in yr 2 and they’ve done this every year so far. My son is very quiet stickler for the rules and easily unnoticed , he got a headteacher award recently for getting all his merits. Often comes home with random stickers or certificates which the whole class got for various reasons. It does seem like they try to praise and motivate all the children in the class equally. It’s sad to hear not all schools are like this. I’m not sure if it will all change in key stage 2 though

This is not a new thing by any means a new thing. I started teaching in 1970, a fairly middle of the road northern school, a dozen or so poorly behaved children were taken out weekly for an afternoon at a water sports centre. One bright lad said to me They get taken out to the water sports centre and we're left here to paddle our own canoes! The feeling was that if you worked hard you were rewarded with more work..
When I stopped teaching 20 years ago the was already an awareness that there was a group who totally missed out on any special programmes, white, average to lower ability boys

We do hot chocolate friday in my school for kids exactly like your dd op. Chosen children get to have a hot chocolat after assembly with the head. Support staff give out vouchers to the children who always make good choices which l think is great but l can totally see how your poor dd feels ignored.

YANBU at all. Things haven't changed since the early 90s when I was at school, I remember coming home really upset and asking my Mam what the point of behaving well all the time was because the only kids who got rewarded were the naughty ones. I found it incredibly hard to sit still in class and be good, incredibly hard. But I did it every day and never got in to any trouble, my efforts went completely unnoticed and I still feel a bit bitter about it to be honest.

I could have written your entire post. I have a very quiet, academic year 5 who prides herself on her work and good behaviour who has been consistently overlooked for her entire primary education. She works very hard, LOVES school but she's in a very 'difficult' class full of right little shits and is often sat with to them to set a good example. Her table usually gets held back for talking/fighting/not listening and it REALLY upsets her, while it doesn't bother the misbehaving kids in the slightest. She's has come home several times in tears for being 'punished' alongside them. They only have one TA, whose time is entirely taken up with these children, and the teacher is often distracted too while trying to manage the bad behaviour during lessons. And these kids are consistently the ones getting the special awards each week ("well done for not punching someone this week Zak!"), getting to go on special trips outside of school, getting given 'special jobs' and being praised by the teacher for actually doing their homework for once/managing to sit still for half an hour/not fighting with their mates at lunch. I don't give a toss if they need the 'encouragement', I'm absolutely sick of my child being overlooked for quietly getting on with her work day after day.

DS coveted that award. He tried so hard. He got it once in Yr 3 for not making a fuss when another boy pulled his shorts and pants down in front of the class. I complained to the teacher and asked how she'd feel if she won an award for not making a fuss when someone stripped her naked in public for a laugh. her face was a picture. Silly cow.

You are not wrong @CathyBlowsBubbles .

We had a wonderful girl when my daughter was in Y2, who just started acting out...
Poor mom was crying in school one morning as she was at her wits end trying to figure out why her child had changed...
Transpired that only the children who acted up were noticed /rewarded, so she may as well too.
Teacher fixed that quickly.

I hear you. I have a very well behaved, quiet child. She’s extremely good at school academically but they don’t have awards for that. She is not sporty or artistic or good at drama. So she is just always in the background behaving and working hard and never gets a moment to shine.

I pointed all that out to the teacher nicely earlier this year and he made a real effort to highlight her project work ect… she is feeling a lot more confident.

I would get her to go to her teacher and say in a. really mature way 'Hi Mrs X, I am really pleased for (insert naughty classmate's name) for getting an award for his improved listening. Now I would also like to try for one of these awards. Please can you give me some pointers about what I need to do to work for one? Is there anything xtra I can do?

Teacher will be bowled over by her maturity and it will prove that she is different from the rest and doesn't hide behind mummy.
These awards tend to exist for the naughty kids so a well behaved average child goes unnoticed. And chances are it will make the teacher think.

My son had figured out before he left reception that the children who got the rewards were the ones who were pretty much relentlessly naughty but occasionally behaved a bit better.

It doesn't exactly fill you with respect for the teacher when you can see how flawed the system is.

And I once made the stupid (half awake ) mistake of saying that I guess some of the children have difficult lives at home and thats why they misbehave. At which point (aged 8 by then) he pointed out that he was having a jaw droppingly difficult year because of stuff happening at home that school knew about, yet still not once was he rewarded for being the consistently good (that's not just his view, his school reports and parents evenings were always glowing feedback).

Systems that essentially reward bad behaviour are so flawed

Yanbu.
I got so sick of this with my dd. I wrote to the school and asked them what exactly did she need to do to get an award as we couldn’t understand the criteria they were going off. She got an award the next term. Perhaps it was because I said something- don’t really care. Dd didn’t know I wrote in. I was just glad she finally was recognised.

As a parent of middle ability kids, who has felt this and works in a school, I always like to recognise those kids that are just getting on and doing the right thing day after day. They are lovely kids and deserve recognition too.

YANBU. It's such a terrible system & completely unfair.
id take her out for tea & let her know how proud you all are of her hard work. Let her know that you see the most amazing qualities in her & that she isn't unnoticed.

I think this is really unpleasant.

Kids who struggle at school don't deserve to be called names by a grown adult.

I work with kids who've experienced trauma, it's really common, and I think if you understood the types of experiences some dc have, you wouldn't be so quick to judge them.

They're just overwhelmed, OP. Like so so many services and it's not good enough you're right but it's noone in particulars fault. I actually don't like these awards anyway as they don't really show any long term impact overall.

I wouldnt mind if a parent sent me a quick message just to give me a heads up that she was upset.

My DDs school had a good system where each child has a strip of card and every time they do well (at anything) a sticker gets added..once the card is full they go to the HT and get a HT award sticker to bring home. Really simple and allows everyone to be recognised lots of times a term.