To think that primary schools are sending a really shitty message to well behaved kids

Yup, I find this the case too.

So sad to read that from a teacher, tbh. What about the real sense of injustice that children feel in these situations. You are using reward systems to enable behaviour that other children are achieving and saying they should be fine from getting validation at home. Do you generally have no insite into how children feel when they see those not following rules get recognition in their peer group, but you think that can be reconciled by a child because they get recognition at home.

I doubt it will ever change. Same thing happened when I was in primary school 30 years ago. Although they did give out 100% and 99% attendance awards. Teachers quite frankly don’t care about average, they are great students who are well behaved but the smarter kids and ones with behaviour issues will always take the attention away from average. Nothing wrong in being average or well behaved, they probably make the best pupils but they are very easy to overlook and same goes on in the workplace.

Secondary teacher here. Education is about learning. For most, they can do what is asked, follow instructions etc, which is great as that is the expected. Reward as you would like at home for this and continue to encourage a good work ethic as this will have positive benefits for your child and their life outcomes. Many schools have Dojo points/ stickers/ verbal praise/ house points/ good comments etc to recognise this. There are; however, students who really struggle with these things. And as you said this is about equity. So these students do need more support, more praise etc for minor wins/ progress etc. Then there are those who are naturally high flyers and academically brilliant again there needs to be recognition of going 'beyond'. Not every kid can win a certificate otherwise it makes the certificate meaningless. Schools try to encourage everyone to succeed and often it may be those students who find school difficult who get certificates. But surely that can't make you rage or be upset? Be glad that your child doesn't have these difficulties and/ or the statistical potential outcomes that many of these children, who struggle, will face as adults.

I agree though that the disruption from others is really unfair on the children who just keep their heads down and want to learn. Inclusion is great in theory, but schools aren’t actually equipped to deal with some of the behaviours and special needs that get thrown into the mix.

It sounds like your daughter’s school needs more rewards in place than just certificates. In my classroom we use raffle tickets, team points, choosing time minutes, stickers, head teacher stickers (children sometimes take their books up to show the headteacher their work), golden time at the end of the week, extra playtime etc etc. These are all unlimited, so children can get multiple ‘rewards’ every week or even every day, rather than having to wait weeks or months for a certificate. Also means that the quiet, middle of the road children get loads of recognition, I would say the well behaved ones in my class do get more rewards than the ones with behaviour difficulties (of whom there are a few).

I often wish we could be like the US and move academically able kids up a grade, and let those that struggle stay-back/ retake.

It would make it far easier for kids to be taught at and rewarded for the level their learning is at. And make teaching and learning easier for everyone.

Is this not how society works. Those that follow the rules, work hard and to their abilities, don't cause anyone else any issues and pay what they owe and what they have to, get no recognition what so ever.

Ugg this has totally messed with my daughter’s sense of what is wrong and right. It pisses me off no end and is actually quite damaging for the well behaved ones that never get noticed.

This is a lovely, kind and generously honest message. I truly hope that you will be able to get over any fear of failure and enjoy your abilities and feel happy pursuing your interests. I know it can be hard being a high achiever and naturally able from a young age. My SIL had the very worst burn out for this reason. But she got over it with some support and is doing really well in her life now. You don't owe anyone your skills and certainly not perfection, just enjoy them and build on them for interesting and fulfilling experiences.

I was this child and it pretty much ruined my work ethic, self-worth and work/life balance.

In Y6, every child got an award - "best actress", "best footballer", etc. I was forgotten. Everyone went onto stage one-by-one to collect their award when their name was called and then sat on benches on the stage when we all were supposed to sing a song we'd been practising. I was forgotten. No one called me up and I was too "polite" to say anything so they sang the whole song without me too. My mum, who had come to watch (with all the other parents) snuck off and told the teacher and they rushed out a certificate for me at the end of the day for "best speller". It was on my birthday as well. It was genuinely one of the worst things I've experienced in life. I know how precious that sounds but I've never felt so completely irrelevant.

I've pretty much worked non-stop in life to try and matter - and it's fucking exhausting. I'm so sorry for your DD, it's not fair.

I think this is a bit silly. Surely as her mum you teach her to try and strive and do well for its own sake. We've been there and got the t-shirt. State primary with 30 kids to class, many with additional needs is inherently unfair for all the dc but if she is at a good school, where she learns well, she is doing well. Not getting a reward is a big deal for these young kids and it's true it's always the same children getting star of the week or head teacher's award. The way to deal with this is to build your dc up, tell her in your family you take pride in working hard and striving for it's own sake and sometimes we get recognised but often we don't.

Your dd needs to stop working hard in order to get award, but to be proud of having a brilliant work ethic.

She'll soon be at secondary and it's a completely different experience. Much better. But it's up to you and your dd's dad to foster that go get resilience in her. You might also like to encourage her to be more confident and put herself out there. It takes time and I agree many good kids that do well but aren't the shining stars or have behaviour issues do get overlooked in primary. There is a lot of bias, teachers generally like outgoing kids and they are too busy to lean into those who are more introverted. You can help your dd though and not by telling school to give her an award.

Some bright spark at my work decided to do praise at work, with stickers and a list of names for employee appreciation month. We were encouraged to hand out stickers as much as possible, I must have handed out at least 10 (would have been more if we weren't hybrid). I received one. Just like school really.

Dd2 was almost completely invisible at primary school. To the point where despite good SATs results, they told the secondary school that she was middle-low ability. She never got star of the week. Never got merit marks (if you got a certain number you got a badge. She never got a badge). Never got chosen for anything. Her y4 teacher in particular never had a nice thing to say about her. Her behaviour was exemplary.

She is thriving at secondary school. Gets loads of recognition when things go well and pushes herself out of her comfort zone because she knows that her efforts will never not go unnoticed. And turns out she’s actually pretty academic.

Although school isn’t her favourite thing to do, every single night before school in Key Stage 2 we had “stomach ache”. The only time that has happened in secondary was when she was genuinely ill.

Op I feel so bad for your dd. I hope that one day, soon, she gets something.

This is poor on the school's part. In my kids' primary everyone gets an award at some point. My kid was the polite, well-behaved kid that met but did not exceed expectations, and she did get awards for her behaviour and was often praised for it.

You sound like my mum who always had issues with anyone praising me ( also an academically bright dd1), in the end we grew up with me having mental health issues from all the pressure and expectations of doing excellent as I was naturally academic. No one is that naturally gifted, in the end we all need to work hard. In fact, parents neglect the naturally academic children and criticise them when they don’t do so well. Throughout my childhood, I tried my best to maintain my excellent academic performance. While my sister the had an average but more balanced and fun childhood, also extra praises from my mum. She turned out to be a more resilient adult and I became highly stressed with fear of failure.

Stop comparing your children. Being average is a positive thing.

I agree with you and thought most schools found a way to ensure every kid gets some kind of award (my 4 yo son finally got an award for good listening just today). I would raise it (fairly gently) with the teachers.

But a flip side is that most teaching is aimed at the middle. Super smart kids can be left bored / twiddling their thumbs, while struggling kids get left behind

Good lesson for life innit? People who work and are law abiding are currently finding that what they were told was the only path to wealth is actually the path to being a mug.

Yes it’s shit, at any age.

That's just grim isn't it 😒

In my daughters secondary the kids who get no bad behaviour points for the year get a trip to a theme park, I think it's a great idea and both of mine have got to go every year. It really helps to motivate them throughout the year.

That sitting the good girls with the naughty boys carries on into adulthood as well. I had to go to speed school a while ago, arrived in the class and went to sit at a table with some other women. Got told by the instructor that I needed to sir with the men . Objected but was told the class works better with mixed male/female tables as the women keep the men in line (I kid you not!) I didn't dare to argue because I needed my pass certificate.

My ds, who found education very easy, once expressed disappointment that he wasn’t going to get all of the points/stars he had hoped for by the end of term. I asked him how he could get more. He said he would have to be naughty , then good again, but he just couldn’t be bothered with all that effort!

Are there special programmes for girls?

When I was at school the difficult children got taken out for a day on a school trip when ofsted were coming. The rest of us just had to attend classes as normal. Most of the group who had the fun day out were white (mostly white school) average to lower ability boys.

It was the same with my DD at primary school, she got fed up with it. It’s a different story at secondary school though. They get positive behaviour points instead. last year in year 7 she got the most good behaviour points in her year and got a (not often given out), head teachers award. That was recognising her good behaviour over the year which is a much better way of rewarding the kids who just get on with it.

This used to REALLY annoy me when mine were in primary. My daughter was a great worker,good marks, progress etc. Hardly ever got recognition. The naughty ones did. Booked my piss 🙄😞